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Milkweed Poison
by Feech
Shortly after their posting, Captain Webster
gave me permission to attempt a sequel to his
stories "Justice" and "Justice II", which are
available to read on Thomas's Transformation
Story Archive under the single heading "Justice."
I think that I may have been asleep for many,
many years. It is the only way I can explain how
everything would have changed so much. The walls
used to be tall, and almost smooth, and white, and
now there is this rolling clothlike substance all
around me and some of the ceiling falls almost to
my height. I try to stand, and find that already
I am standing. Something is touching a part of me
that does not want to be touched. I try to look
at the plain whiteness, and find that I can make
out its contours and shadows from many directions
without turning my head. I try turning my head,
and find that it does not turn very far. My
awakening is interrupted by voices.
"Insects do dream. Since the whole process
of engaging in dream sleep involves shutting down
learning and memory functions, it stands to reason
that in waking they are capable of learning and
remembering. I do not want to make a judgement
concerning how much she may remember of you. I do
not want to make such a judgement either way."
The replying voice jolts me on my strangely
sharp, hard legs; I must not have eaten for the
time I was asleep. I try to listen hard to the
second voice, but I don't know precisely what I'm
listening with. "No, Doctor, I _understand_, but
don't you have any way of telling..."
There is a sigh. Both voices are up high,
distant, desperate, but one is a more restrained
desperation. "We have no way of knowing unless
she chooses to attempt to communicate in some way,
whether it be a way appropriate to her former body
or not. She has undeniably changed completely
from one species to another. How much of her
original mind has been retained is currently
impossible to say."
The electric voice again. "But you said
she's an insect. Isn't there a measure you can
make, some certainty, some _degree_ of Nancy that
is left? I need to know. I need--"
Again a sigh. "SCABS does not seem to have
any predictable pattern of memory loss in any
transformation, not even such an extreme one as
your wife's. Her entire past may have been wiped
out, or only pieces. Her ability to communicate
may be intact or may be severely impaired. I'm
sorry, but it's equivalent to being in a coma
after an accident, only in her case she may or may
not exercise choice in the 'waking', if you would
call it that. We can't tell until she 'wakes.'"
The one with the _voice_, the years-past
rushing in on my throbbing, hungry and dizzy body,
curses under his breath. There follows a long
pause.
"Bring her out from under there."
There is enough time for the other man to
shake his head. I attempt to imitate the motion,
and find I can do so with some concentration. I
begin imagining the body of the less-desperate
voice to be clad in white. "She went under there
of her own volition. It's the only thing she's
done voluntarily since the SCABS affected her. We
_tried_ to communicate, to detect damage beyond
the degree of change, and as I did explain, we
found her to be abnormally unresponsive for a
butterfly. That was _during the tests_, and--
believe me-- I cannot stress that enough. She
could be recovering some of her awareness, of
either human or butterfly, right now. That she
chose to go under her nightgown when returned to
her room is something I consider to show some form
of self-protective behavior."
"But you don't know."
"I do _not know_."
There is a deep, short-ringing vibration as
though someone had punched someone. Could David
have-- David. David. Struck the wall. These are
not walls around me, and I am not the size I was.
Fear climbs up with sickening speed over the
back folds of this safe whiteness, trickling down
over my new and terrible head and into what I
presume is my heart and groping at a large part of
the back of my body that feels very soft and open
and deadly exposed. Recalling recalling recalling
I black out, am conscious of doing so. I
feel a weird presence of darkness over my wide
vision and then become aware again. I do not know
how long I was out, but there is a grayer tinge to
the rounded cloth I hide in. Lights. Ten o'
clock, lights out, Nancy. Good night, Nancy. I
never answered. I never... I begin to try to
count out my age. Assuming I was only here for...
for... I can't figure it out. I remember the
police, I remember rocking and not answering.
Everything in between then and now was rocking and
not answering. That was David, talking with a
doctor about me. So they took me some place, and
stimulated me, and I did not respond. I cannot
recall that time. I can recall everything before.
God help me, I can recall everything before.
I begin to explore my body, somehow
miraculously staying just ahead of the
recollections and the fear. It has to be serious,
if David came here. Hardly ever did he come here.
I remember a Christmas, so I know I was here at
least over one winter. Pressing away the thoughts
that come rushing to attach themselves in strings
back from that Christmas, I hold out what comes
closest to feeling like my hand. I feel it bump
something in front of it, and find I have a row of
limbs. Six, three on each side, with the
fingerlike thing I lifted being in the middle on
the right side. Far above my center of weight and
motion is the part that brushes the nightgown, the
part that does not like to be touched. I get some
of my particled eyesight to register to me that it
is my wings, their black-bordered orange height
visible to some of my eye. I have antennae, as
well. I sigh, a blessedly familiar sensation, to
find that I _recognize_ most of the parts I am
seeing. They are large in my sight, and all out
of order from the way I used to see them in
passing flight, but they all belong on a monarch
butterfly. So far so good. Now to find my
husband. I must trust that he can realize it is
me. I need somebody, before the memories return
in their painful force.
I crawl slowly, painstakingly from one fold
to another of what I now recognize as my white
nightgown, bringing myself closer to the light at
the edges, light seeping in from the one window to
the perpetually lit hallways. When I am out, I
shake a little and my wings move, feeling like
stretching and checking themselves. Now to get to
the button. I should be able to reach it by
climbing.
I never used the button, but I always knew it
was there. Now I drag my new body up the textured
paint of the wall, never having known before that
it was textured at all. I can see the whole room,
and it doesn't look much different from before,
except that I was always looking at it from lidded
eyes. There is a doll lying half-on, half-off the
plain bed. Hands, arms and swaying come back to
me. I lose my grip, but panic, gain it again and
move on. I am grateful for the nearness of the
physical danger. Some things were getting too
close.
At last I reach the button, and climb around
it, trying to find a way to press it with my
limbs.
It may be hours later when I finally give up.
I don't feel all that light to me, but I can't
make enough vibration to get the call to sound for
the nurses. I have to wait all night for David.
I fear sleep, remembering what the doctor said
about dreams. I would rather black out. I don't
want any dreams, no dreams.
I am swaying oddly on my six legs on the
string of the nightgown, staring in all directions
at the walls, when morning comes the next day and
someone comes to turn my lights on. They see that
I am awake.
"Honestly, I don't see how it applies to her
anymore. She obviously is not capable of hurting
anyone--"
"Unless she is a polymorph. I've been to a
bar, and I've seen. What if she is a polymorph?
What then? Anything could happen."
The doctor sighs, and I think it is not
imagining too much to envision him putting a hand
on my husband's shoulder. I can hear them; they
are outside the door, discussing me. David wanted
to speak to him in private. I don't care. I
don't even know what's going to happen.
"David. I am not aware of any way to tell
whether or not your wife is a polymorph.
Truthfully, that does not apply right now. We are
not a facility for SCABS cases, especially not
cases which appear to be functioning normally,
which aside from some dehydration your wife seems
to be doing. I highly suggest you take her home.
If you feel that she needs psychiatric treatment
concerning her initial commitment, then you must
go through the usual channels. This is,
essentially, not the same woman who was admitted
to this facility. She is now awake, social, and
drinking well enough to be taken home. Again, I
_highly_ suggest you do so."
"But you don't know that's her. It could be
a butterfly with nothing left of Nancy in it."
"That, Sir, is what I have just been saying.
This is not our patient any longer. It is time to
take her home, or find some other way to further
her recall process. She will not improve when
locked away from you."
"I don't think you underst--"
"No. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I do
not understand, I cannot understand, but I can
tell you this: the social and communicative
disordered behavior for which Nancy was admitted
to this facility is no longer an issue, given her
current behavior. It is my belief that she
recognizes and seeks out individuals, and is
normal for a butterfly. There is nothing-- I am
sorry, but nothing-- I can do for her at this
stage."
David does not swear nor punch walls, this
time. I remember his coming in and looking at me
this morning, and looking away. The thought
occurred to me then that at least you can tell,
looking at me. I'm a butterfly, who was his human
wife. At least you can tell I am a SCAB.
I would rather not bring anything from the
hospital home with me, and as it turns out I am
not certain of all David does decide to bring,
because he asks them to put me in a cup from the
cafeteria and tape a paper dessert plate on top of
it. I sit in it and feel it carried around by a
nurse, sensing her intense hand lotion, and feel
it set down and wheeled out the front door in a
wheelchair. I feel at that moment as though I
might remember humor, but there is something else
that goes with that which is forbidden by my safe
mind.
David drives home, but I do not see the car,
so cannot use its make and model as a way to tell
how long I have been hunched and closed in the
hospital. I try to see if I can recognize the
motor, to see if it's the one he drove when-- but
I can't. David's voice and other sounds are
recognizable, but not the same. He slams a hand
on the steering wheel and says "Fuck" a couple of
times on the way home. Lights filter in through
the sides of the paper cup. The car brakes and
shuts down. We are home. He gets an armful of
other things out of the trunk, I guess, because
there is some slamming and latching before he
retrieves me from the front seat. I want to
reprimand him for making me wait, but right now
I'm listening and trying to piece things together
safely. I try a tentative message with my mind,
willing him to open the top of the cup and look at
my face, but he does not.
I hear his shoe-soles on the concrete front
steps. I hear the squeak, just a little one and
still almost the same, of the front door. I hear
sirens and see massive lawns of light, roofs of
light, in three bright colors, but these
sensations are in the back of my mind, and a
still, quiet house is at the front. I identify
the memories as memories, but that is as far as I
go.
David putters in the kitchen for almost two
hours, judging by the way I feel and the light
from the sliding windows at the back of the eating
area. Then he messes around with magazines and
the television in the recessed living room. I
scratch at the sides of the cup, but it doesn't
seem to get a glance or a response of any kind
from him, although I am just guessing. Then he
steps on the kitchen tile again, untapes the plate
from the cup and tips me out onto our veneer
table. I shudder, stretching a little like I did
when I emerged from the nightgown, but fearful of
David's towering height. He is stony, holding the
cup on its side, gazing at me.
I take a few short steps on the slippery
surface, and hold out my wings in a little bit
bolder stretch. David watches me, and watches
some more as I take some more steps. Then he
turns and heads back for the dim living room. I
can see the light from the television wash over
the back wall, which still needs painting. I
imagine David is sobbing, but I have no evidence
of this. I stand on the table the rest of the
night. There is nothing else to do.
The next morning my husband feeds me, and
after that he is fairly good about it. When he's
not, I scratch and flutter near the plastic lid he
has used for my fluid diet. I imagine I can read
his expression, but it seems so grim that I must
be wrong, or at least hope that I possibly could
be.
I know he blames me for something. The whole
world blames me for something. If the doctors
think it is over, then it really is over, but it
has been done. I did it. I know what I did. I
make it easier on myself, saving my life from the
crawling fear that moves on over me faster when I
open up to the house and what is in it, and what
was in it. I tell myself that I killed a man.
That makes it easier. I do not know what he
looked like, then.
The house is the same as it used to be. When
I realized how small I am now, I thought the house
would appear larger by comparison. It does not.
It appears all strangely angled and shaded, but
although I can see more of it and with smaller
eyes, it just doesn't seem bigger at all. I walk
around it at first, seeing chairs from the floor
up like a crawling-stage baby, clinging to edges
of furniture and moving from there to the wall and
the next piece of furniture. I try to cook
something, once, to warm up the kitchen and get
David's attention, but I am not strong enough
compared to the containers of dry goods. I also
cannot open the refrigerator door. He barely ever
turns on the lights anywhere, but he doesn't close
the curtains, either, so I spend the afternoons in
the sun from the kitchen windows. He sleeps in
our bedroom, but I have not gone in there, nor
down the hall to the smaller one. David closes
our bedroom door when he goes to work, wherever he
works now. He doesn't have to lock it. I cannot
get in.
One day I try to make a phone call. I have a
hard time pushing the buttons; I cannot do it in
fast enough order to keep the operator from
interrupting the call. I panic. I need an
emergency speed-dial, in case I need it sometime
when I am alone. I try to scratch at David, walk
him to the phone, show my trouble, but he pays no
attention.
I decide I don't need it anyway. I might not
live long. If I do, and something happens, the
police will get here. They did once.
David's clothes are not the same as when I
went in to the hospital; at least he or someone
else got him some new ones. I watch his face, how
he shaves it, when he shaves it, when he takes off
his shoes at night, when he washes his hair and
when he doesn't bother to comb it, when he has
something to drink at home or when he goes out. I
can't predict a schedule with him, but this makes
him more interesting to watch. I wish to know him
again. It's been a long time. Back before we
decided we weren't enough of a family on our own.
I guess we're not. Sometimes I get something of a
sidelong glance out of him, but other times not.
He talks to the television, but only when he
thinks I'm not listening.
"David." I say it in my head, dreaming. I
am aware that I am dreaming, dreaming a late dream
in the beginnings of sun through the kitchen
windows in a sort of waking state since I slept
all night and more. "Oh, David." I am joyful.
The perfect addition to our family. I just know
he'll make everything better. And look, he has
butterfly wings. Just like an angel. Isn't that
cute. I know I am dreaming.
I hear David laughing, and it seems to
lightly jump its way into another dream. My
husband is laughing, and watching me being clumsy
with the baby, not with wings now but cheerful as
his Daddy, and somehow my hands look very human.
I have so much to learn before I can handle him so
David won't laugh at me. He always used to laugh
before we were married. I can barely do this, or
am so clumsy with that. I admit it. But I can
cook, and handle a car all right, and anyway the
little boy just loves me. Just look at him.
I awake and unroll the streamerlike black
thing with which I drink my water and sugar
formula. I feel like I yawn, and for the moment
in between waking and being aware of dreaming, I
feel whole and safe. The recalls are not there;
they are in my sleeping head. No baby ever had
wings.
But I have wings, Nancy. I am you, Nancy.
No, the man did not have wings. That man who came
into your home and made you so afraid. David was
scared straight out of the house. The neighbors
never came. SCAB. A SCAB man in the house. A
butterfly. Nancy. And David. David and Nancy.
Someone else. I picked him up and held him.
I decide to try flying.
The drunken, crazy wheeling I do when I'm
first exercising my wings drives David to
distraction. He plucks at the upholstery on the
back of the sofa, sometimes slitting his eyes at
me as if he's almost believing I am a fly that
must be eliminated. If he grabbed me, put his
hands together and crushed me into pressed
butterfly between them, at least he would be
touching me. I flit around as best I can, until I
flutter in one barely-weaving line from the coffee
table all the way to the top shallow step by the
kitchen. I cheer myself, that day. David watches
the glow from whatever electronics he has turned
on, but he also watches me. I wave my wings at
him. He tries to crush his beer can in his palm
and ends in cutting himself. He rushes off to the
bathroom for some peroxide.
I am still panting, catching my breath,
fanning my wings slightly and feeling an
uncomfortable draft from where the weather
stripping has worn away underneath the kitchen
door-windows, when David comes back, holding his
hand and frowning. He is wearing a plaid shirt
and slacks that don't quite match it. I start to
take off, but he steps just over me as I begin,
and I bump into his cuff and have to allow myself
to tumble and start over.
He pauses. Instead of going down to the
sofa, he weaves heavily over to one of the chairs
and squeaks it loudly out from the table. He's
not drunk, just weaving anyway. He clumps when he
walks, and falls weightily into the chair. He is
still holding his hand, but I no longer sense any
blood. I fly a little ways, but then land and
climb up the side of another chair by foot, to
hang onto the backrest of it.
"I can't say your name."
He has spoken to me. I freeze. It is a
defeated sound, and harsh, but it is David. He is
looking at the table, as I used to look at my
sheets.
"You bitch. No-- I don't mean that."
Yes you do, David, yes you do.
"TALK TO ME!" The thunder and his upturning
gaze is unexpected, and I shudder as if in an
earthquake. I feel the loss of control of the
shaking, not safe like the rocking-- losing
control on an edge of being me in my body. This
is my self. I must hang onto it. I'm working on
it, David, I'm working on it I'm working on it
it's not safe to recall--
"Shhhh..." It's not a comforting sound, but
the thunder subsides. Now he faces the window.
His fingers grasp his wrist as though he has
forgotten the metal-cut and has to cling to
something. Suddenly the grasp fails as if he is
falling and my husband slams his forehead into
both palms. Now I smell the exposed blood, a
trace of it, and to the table he speaks: "You're
so red. So orange and... red."
I try to make sense of that, but sometimes my
husband does not make sense. I know he realizes
that I cannot speak, but I know what he wants from
me; we took home the other one together. Now he
is alone. I am not entering it with him. It's
safest this way, and maybe he should try it.
"GodDAMN you!" he slams the bleeding hand
into the table and lifts himself from the chair.
"Goddamn it, Nancy. You fucking bitch. There you
sit, and then you get SCABS. What am I supposed
to do? Let it all fly away? Like your little
God_damned_ fluttering all the time around my
_house_?"
I shake my head at him, as best as I have
learned how. I can't out with it if he can't say
it. My name isn't good enough. Neither of us is
back yet, David. Did they ever find out who the
man was. The man in our house. I recall that
once we did up the baby room in the back, just in
case. Did anything ever come of that?
"I can't say your name." He's forgotten that
he spoke it moments ago.
The baby. I imagine I am dreaming again.
This dream is more violent, and there is shrieking
like a wind with voices in it. Suddenly
everything goes grey-cold, like the air out of the
freezer, everything working just right and
smelling harmless and nice. It's not a dream.
Not a dream.
I wrestle with the difference between the
nice ice blue grey and the shrieking. For a
moment, everything was all right. He reached up
from the crib, very chubby...
I never thought I had the strength to end a
man's life. I guess I had to, and I did. How
nice, scent of a freezer, comfortable like that,
nothing on the face ever the same color. Three
lights. Green is missing or it could have been
Christmas.
"NANCY."
I stare hard at my husband, trying to stay
with him from way across the table like this.
"Oh, God, Nancy..."
Suddenly he breaks. It seems a physical
thing, a cracking along some part of his body, a
body I suddenly remember holding. I remember we
were married in a month of August. It's colder
now, windier. He breaks, and stands taller than
his usual height... Or was it something after the
intruder that made him hunch down shorter for a
time... He breaks, and sounds around the house
seem to be meaningless words. He has crossed the
tile floor before I am alert to its happening. He
has changed the light with his shadow falling
different places. He almost lays an eye on me,
but it lights instead on the cabinet with the
glassware in it and he gets out two pieces in each
hand as if setting the table for company. Then he
throws them.
I fold into myself upon the crashing, or wish
I could. Sparkling sharps lie all over the floor.
None come near me, but I wish they would. I want
to feel them. I look on in awe and he breaks our
entire collection of glasses and some of the white
glassware that I used for entertaining when we
threw a party for our newly adopted baby.
"GodDAMN you!" David throws anything he can
get his hands on, after that. Some of the
silverware hits and breaks a vase. My dish of
sugar water skids across the table and spreads its
contents.
"Goddamn SCABS..." My husband throws
everything he can get his hands on, and disappears
down the hall to our room. I do not hear him slam
the door. The springs creak under him. I imagine
I hear him sobbing, but it seems too much to hope
for. Too much that he would cry for me.
I almost topple off the back of the chair,
but I hang on. Then I look at the floor.
David is crying, definitely now, down the
hall on our carnation and yellow bedspread in the
room just a jog away from the baby's. He is not
crying for his wife. He is not crying for me.
It's for his job, and for the man I killed. The
baby. The baby. Too heavy to hold right when he
was screaming and my ears and his body couldn't
take it, and I stopped him before he killed
himself. I killed him. I shake, hanging onto the
kitchen chair. I shook him.
Damn SCABS, he says. Damn SCABS. Damn
Nancy, for not seeing. I couldn't see the
intruder until it was too late. He was sick.
The poor thing was sick. It comes on me now, and
I don't want to stop it, but it bites into me with
too much force anyway, no matter how loose I am
for it. Isn't he sweet. We have to have him.
He's not growing. He has SCABS, he has SCABS.
He's not growing. I put a stop to that not
growing. I put a stop to that--
It's jarring parts out of me, I'm almost
sure. Taking out organs I never knew humans or
butterflies had and spearing them with the glass
shards from our cabinets full of serving dishes.
I know how-- he-- FELT-- he-- God-- I have a
desperate need for the glass to take it all apart,
all of it, all of it away, nothing left to give to
the memories. I killed a man, but SCABS got to
him first. He was my child, and I killed him.
David wasn't there. He would have stopped me, and
he wasn't there. I can hear him sobbing down our
hall.
Oh God, David, I'm so sorry, I'm so... I'm
so sorry...
I know how he felt. I feel a tearing in me,
a cracking force, a desperation to get it back,
what I had, anything before I saw the baby. For
him, anything before he became the baby.
Shrieking until he cried himself hoarse and
burning red and hurting himself and me, over and
over and over. He cursed his own form, how vulgar
of us to love it... how could I shake it like that
if I loved it...
The windows go dark. David stops sobbing,
but periodically he takes a long breath like a
painful whine, and shuffles on the bed as though
suffocating in the sheets or his own hands. I
climb, my black feet shaking with each step, to
the flat table and step into the spilled sugar
water. I take a sip of it, but it is not
refreshing.
The windows light with one street lamp
somehow reflecting from out front; they have
always done that at this time of night. The
kitchen is strewn with streaks of dimly lit glass
like the gleam from patrol lights outside. No one
would find me if I had an emergency now. It was
because of the screams they were called that
night. Because of the screams.
I feel cold, colder than any being I have
felt with my hands before. I cannot exist without
David. If anything happened to me, no one would
know. No one would ever help me. I wish I could
do something for him. Something, anything, to
make me enough of a wife so he will call if
anything happens to me like I did to our destroyed
child. Like I did. I need David.
The street lamp seems to hypnotize me even in
reflection; I do not know what time it is nor how
much time goes by, after the recognized light has
shown once again the vandalized kitchen.
I hear a shuffling from the door-molding by
the entrance to the hall. I smell a little blood.
His cut is still open. If I could do something
about it, I would, but not even the hospital wants
us now, me or him. Take her home, they said. If
there's nothing they can do for me, there's
nothing they can do for him. Not about me. I am
his burden. Damn me, he said. Yes. I would do
anything for him. But I can't say I'm sorry and I
can't heal his hand. He may as well be alone.
David takes a deep, shuddering breath. I
imagine I hear his lungs repositioning after long
hours of discomfort face down on the mattress,
wetting the pillow. His eyes are swollen, but he
has been wiping them to try to appear more alert.
He really should wash them in water. I reach out
a front claw in some kind of reflex, but I have no
idea what I'm going to do with it or even if he
can see it from there.
"Nancy. You're still my wife."
I am shocked. I rebel at the cooling of the
horrible sensations in my abdomen; I am not
allowed to have this. Not when I could not stop
my own screaming long enough to admit that a SCAB
could still be my baby. Not if he hated his
SCABS. My own voice and his, until we were both
silenced. Forever. I am silent forever, whoever
you were that turned into our child. The cooling
comes into my body, and David steps closer over
the crunching glass.
"Nancy. Did-- did you hear me?"
I nod, but I don't know if he can see it.
"I-- this is crazy. I know you can hear me,
but do you understand? This is crazy. I can't
take this. Come with me. I mean-- I wanted to
know if-- you wanted to-- go out with me. It's--
you might not like it. Blind Pig Gin Mill. It's
for SCABS. I know it's crazy. This is crazy.
Will you come with me?"
I sit still. I don't know how to answer him.
He has never touched me since before the baby
died, and the most I have done is scratch at his
shirt sleeve. He is far across the tiles. He
doesn't like my flying.
"Anything-- Nancy-- listen, I'm mad here.
Mad. Answer me will you. Do you want to go out."
He draws the back of one hand across his
tear-wet upper lip. "Please."
I fly to him, cautious in the dark but unable
to slow without falling. He doesn't even look to
see where I have landed on his shoulder. He wipes
his face again, this time with the opposite cuff,
and there's really nothing I can do right now to
help him clean up. I hang on tight to the weave
of his plaid shirt.
David steps with me down the kitchen steps,
across the recessed living room and opens the
door. He feels the wind immediately. His hand
comes up in front of the shoulder I cling to, and
though I feel the wind he is fairly well
protecting me.
My eyes can see the lamps above and some of
our dark living room behind, the sofa and a
rocking chair. Beyond my husband's creased palm,
and under his chin, I can see our car and the
otherwise empty street.