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The Thimble
by Feech
Kent carries me up the walk to Melodie's house.
Normally I don't like such assistance, even though the
breeze at night can be treacherous, but for some reason
it is not as disturbing to receive it from a student as
it is from another faculty member. I suppose it has
something to do with the fact that they _will_ respect
me, by virtue of my being a professor, as opposed to my
peers who may (in my sensitive mind anyway) see such an
episode as a reason to take me down a step in their
esteem. Well, whether I am right or not, being carried
is disturbing.
I could cling to the sidewalk, counting on my
claws and friction to keep me on course, but with the
wind tonight-- just a breeze, really-- it would be
tough going and I want to appear at my best for
Melodie. I had no doubt that she would still be awake,
late on a Friday, and sure enough the thin ivory
curtains in the front windows have a wash of lamplight
shining through them. I cannot risk flying outdoors at
night; I might get whisked off and stuck somewhere, and
never reach my destination. Of course, at this moment
the idea of spending a night or two in an anonymous
tree is very nearly comforting. I stick tight to Kent
Dryer's arm and try not to think about it.
Instead, I think of her name, over and over,
nerves and images upon nerves and images. Melodie.
Damn, if I can pull this off... But what, truly, are
the chances? I don't care how good a friend she is, my
nose isn't as good as someone like Kent's. This woman
may be humoring me. Well, this is as far as that goes,
should it be true. No one, I hope, in this day and
age, humors to _that_ extent.
Kent deposits me on the cement front-door step and
flashes me one of those encouraging grins that
inevitably fail to be encouraging... It's all well and
good for him to be concerned for my welfare, but there
is nothing he can do about it. Good luck. Right.
This is not a game of chance-- at least I hope not.
Good Lord, imagine tossing a coin to see whether she
accepts. Nothing I have done up to this point would
make any difference. On the other hand, that would
absolve me of guilt, if not misery. At least I would
know that nothing I have done could cause her to
refuse.
I feel like I'm in a Shakespeare play. Let's hope
it's a comedy. That way, by formulaic rules,
everything must turn out sappy and joyous at the end.
At any rate, I'm not going to go throw myself on a
sword if this fails. Float away into a storm
somewhere, maybe. Fall on a sword, no. It probably
wouldn't even kill me. I'm too light.
_Yes_ the Shadow is a tad uptight tonight. Give
him some time to collect his wits.
Kent smiles at me and leaves. Encouraging cohorts
gone. Enter suitor, alone. The beige Pontiac pulls away
and I can barely see a streak from a streetlamp
tingeing one of Gabriel's horns before the body, then
the taillights of the car disappear. Call them later,
if I need a ride home, they said. They'll be up all
night watching some marathon on TV. If I _do_ call
them, it will be the first time I have spent an evening
with Melodie and not had the lady herself drive me
home. Normally, she drives me home from the Theatre
Building every night. But I told her not to plan on
it, this evening. And now here I am. She is not
expecting me. But that is not what troubles me.
Melodie is not easily fazed. I, on the other hand, am
obviously not so calm, even in situations where I
supposedly have the upper hand. I planned this, right?
Sort of. Well, I _have_ planned her lines, what she's
supposed to say. But what if she forgets?
By the time I have reached up with a foreleg and
pressed the button for the doorbell, I have just about
made up my mind to say hi, chat a bit and then go the
heck home. She would understand, if I wanted to see
her tonight, nothing special in mind... I carefully
arrange the tiny white box so my writing pad hides it.
Options open.
Except that the only option is to go through with
this... Sometime. Not tonight. The determination fed
into me by Gabe and Kent in the Black Box is swiftly
fading. I touch the underside of the jewel box once
more, certain it is secure, and wait the moment it
takes for She of the Chestnut Hair to open the door.
I have been in this house many times, a few of
them for Christmas parties before my SCABS, and have
never been other than convinced that Melodie's hair is
the single most attractive item therein. The
furnishings are comfortable to see and to use, the
light is warm pumpkin yellow except in the white
kitchen, the stair runner is rich and attractive and
the plants are impeccably cared for, but Melodie always
draws my gaze away from all that. That includes gazing
with compound eyes. Speaking of which, aside from her
wavy, fire-chestnut hair, Melodie's light brown eyes
are the next most attractive decoration in this
dwelling. She tries to make her house inviting, but
she doesn't have to try. My wings quiver as I think
about the possibilities-- and what I do not want to go
through with. Is not a nice, restful visit, ensured,
better than rejection? Melodie's house is the last
place I would want to try to bear being banned from.
But she is also the only woman I would consider going
through this kind of stress for.
Shadow, Shadow, pull yourself together. She's
here and she has a right to expect you to be polite.
Now stand up straight! My admonitions to myself
hearken back to childhood, I am so distraught. This is
ridiculous. She opens the door.
Her eyes sparkle in the light of streetlamps, her
hair is outlined by the backlighting of her own lamps.
"Dom! Come in! Good Heavens, in this breeze you could
off and disappear. I _hope_ you had a ride he--"
I nod. I step over the threshold and begin
writing, while she closes the door after what seems to
be an obligatory action on the part of any woman
closing any door-- peering out to see whether any other
waifs are parked on her doorstep. I show her my
notepad as she rejoins me in the living room. "I was
at the Improv group," I write. "Kent and Gabe dropped
me here. I wanted to see you. Hope you don't mind."
"Mind? Of course not." Melodie is already
floating off to the kitchen as she speaks, perpetual
earth-tone slacks brushing lightly against her ankles
as she walks. I hunch on the rug, shimmers of
lamplight in each frame of my compound vision. The
television is on, quietly, and a book lies open on the
couch, next to a pillow with a slight depression in it.
I crawl up to the cushion opposite the one with the
pillow. Book? _Spirit Migration_, one of Melodie's
favorites. More her style than mine. On the TV is a
show she has obviously not been watching, a made-for-TV
movie with dialogue incomprehensible at this volume. I
don't understand how she can have all her media going
at once, but it never seems to bother her.
The Lady comes back in with two glasses of orange
juice and a sweet smile. "What made you decide to drop
by? Did you sense I was feeling lonely?"
I twitch an antenna slowly and loosen my proboscis
the slightest bit, by way of a smile. I wonder how
long I can hold out before she notices my nervousness,
and I have to go home so I won't say anything damaging.
So far she seems to believe my innocence. I tilt my
notebook so she can see it and write, "Lonely? With
such stimulating viewing available on the set? Not to
mention a book you have read fifteen times."
"What is it?"
"What?" I pen, quickly. Damn. Damn it _all_.
Must've twitched the wings wrong without even realizing
it. Of course she knows me, but she's on to me so
_soon_. I wanted to relax and... Oh, who am I kidding.
I was not going to relax tonight. Buy the ring and
there's no return. Nerves, nerves, nerves. I am
grateful for the nerves, because beyond that is the
heavy dark, the open, empty dropping sensation. I
really don't _know_ what she feels about me...
"You're here to say something. What is it? Good
to see you, by the way. But I really don't think
you've arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the
night to say 'hello'."
"Oh?" I write, a little less cautious of my
script. "And why not? Is there a law against it? I
happen to enjoy your company, and you're always in on
Fridays. What's so strange about the idea of stopping
by to say Hi?"
"Hm." Melodie lowers herself onto a couch
cushion, leaning into the impressioned pillow. She has
a way of sounding skeptical while maintaining that ever
sweet tone. The students love her. _I_ love her. She
continues: "Nothing, I guess, taken out of context.
But I know you, Dom, and tonight you are tired, and
distracted, and within a minute of entering my home you
started that agitated _shivering_ you only do when
you're upset. Class has gone well for you lately. It
has to be something else."
Speak on, finish it all. She may as well. I half
expect her to find the ring, determine its price, and
send me on my dejected way. I really should learn to
fly more reliably outdoors. That way I could make
dramatic exits in cases like this. I briefly consider
flying up to the light fixture to collect my thoughts,
but besides being patently immature, I just may burn
myself. I stick my black claws a little further into
the upholstery.
"We have all night to talk," Melodie says, gently.
"Have some juice. Sorry I don't have any cranberry or
cherry, but a certain Swallowtail drank it all last
time he was here and I haven't been shopping since."
I _am_ hungry. I reach out carefully with one leg
to the coffee table, making sure not to tip the glass
towards me, and lower my unrolled proboscis in for a
sip. I idly watch the television screen, as minuscule,
fast-moving credits roll and a deep voice in the
background announces what will be on next. No time to
stop and enjoy, I think. I try to make each molecule
of orange juice last as long as possible. I cannot
avoid looking at Melodie, and anyway she is the most
beautiful thing in the room, but I can pretend my mind
is elsewhere. She will _make_ me do this. But I can
at least do it right.
Or can I? What is _right_? When she gives an
answer that I desire? This is all too complicated.
They make it sound so _sweet_ in the diamond
commercials. I know, that is what commercials are for.
But am I the only one who has noticed that in eight out
of ten movies that include a marriage proposal, the
"hero" considers the possible consequences for all of
ten minutes before blithely stating his desires and
having the girl fall into his arms? And yes, over the
past few weeks, during evenings at home, I have been
counting.
I like the ones where the guy gets rejected and
then has to spend the rest of the movie figuring out
how to approach the woman of his dreams for a second,
heart-wrenching time, to finally (maybe) end his
suffering in the merest moment of screen romance. You
see how this business has made a morbid art fan out of
me. If she says yes, I dare say my tastes will change
again.
If. Ha. We'll see if the National Guard could
get me to open this box now.
"I think," says Melodie, startling me, "that too
much store is set by 'strong' men these days."
I indicate with my antennae that I am alert and
listening.
"All these movies with the husband rescuing his
family from terrorists whose weapons shame an army's.
Since when can a man protect a woman that way? I mean
it. How many people _you_ know could survive five
minutes of that stuff? It's a strange type to
idealize, anymore."
I obligingly join in the conversation with trusty
pen and paper. "And just what type would you
idealize?"
"Mmm... The type who can protect his family
_spiritually_. What if there were a tragedy? Could
the survivors help each other? Once the guns were out
of the picture, I mean."
I look at the TV again. The show running
currently seems to feature a small, fluffy brown
mongrel dog and a flock of children. Conversation
topics out of the blue? No. Once again, Melodie is
too smart for me. No wonder I'm crazy about her. This
line of thinking, naturally, takes me back to whether I
am _worthy_ of her. For one terrifying moment I forget
what we are talking about, even forget when I am and
where I am and know only that I am close to the woman
who saved me, twice. Who is trying to, again.
Question. She asked me a question. I reply.
"That would depend on the man. Wouldn't the ideal
be a man who can survive the guns and comfort his
family afterwards?"
"But that's what I mean. Outside of the movies,
who _can_ survive? And look at all the broken
marriages today. What if those people had been as
practiced at communication as at gunfire and machismo?
That's what I'm trying to say. Why don't we try to
raise the man who makes surviving worth it? Or...
Something less dramatic, but you know what I mean."
And without considering the repercussions, my hand
writes-- I swear, all by itself-- "What would you say
on the topic of marrying _me_?"
She thinks it is all in the conversation. Either
that, or she's better at this than I am. The latter,
of course. But let's pretend I _may_ be on top of
things. Melodie says, "You? That's what I'm saying.
No one would marry you for your ability to strap a gun
to your back and evade terrorists. And I don't care
_what_ people say, the nice, sweet, romantic, soulful
man is still not as sought-after as he ought to be. Do
you want to get married, Shadow?"
For one, she just turned things around on me. For
two, she used my nickname. Which means something, but
I am not sure what. I am speechless, written wordless,
for moments on end as the orange juice in the bottoms
of the glasses turns warm. Flickers of light from the
TV, a glowing from the lamps and-- of course-- Her
Self.
I think she calls me Shadow when she's trying to
calm me. Yes, damn it, I _am_ shaking. Shivering like
the edges of a leftover butterfly in an automobile
grill somewhere. Morbid? Me? Why do you ask?
The book is still lying open on the couch between
us. I flip it shut and politely slide it aside, so I
can move closer without perching on it. Melodie looks
at me, but only out of the corner of her eye; giggling
children in the TV show seem to have half of her
attention. However, when I move the slightest bit with
the intention of feeling the box from Studio Jeweler's,
she is facing me intently.
"Do you?"
This time I do not freeze. Butterflies' little
talons must have instincts all their own, never heard
of in science, because I swear to you that my claws
remove the box from its hiding place of their own
volition. She sees it, and knows, but I cannot read
her expression. You know it has to be a ring box, I
think. You know this is not some other gift. It's the
only thing it could be. Help me out here.
Nothing. Amazingly, my forelegs continue in their
own private actions, as I watch helplessly. Finally I
center in my mind on her face and ignore my own body,
which happens to be lifting the weightless white lid
and revealing the grey-velvet formal box inside.
I hand it over. She knows it would be awkward for
me to try to remove the item, present it to her, run it
onto her finger. At this point, however, Melodie
waits. She stares at me for an instant, then at the
box.
She hugs me. Carefully, and so the only fear I
have is of what she may be feeling, of why she has not
opened my offering nor asked why I offer it. Her hands
are on the sides of my thorax and her cheek against the
side of my face, so close the peach of her skin is
blurred in my vision. Suddenly I _need_ to speak. But
to push her away would be a travesty. I write by feel,
knowing the sizes and shapes of the letters, and when
she hears my pen stop Melodie lifts her head to see my
words, which are, of course, "I love you."
"I love you, too, Dom. You _scare_ me I love you
so much."
Melodie takes the box.
Her hands are shaking.