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When on Earth
part 2
by Feech
I go to a church in Boston, my first day out
on my own.
Oh, another student is with me, really, as
she escorted me as far as the city on this trip
and is staying nearby, but here am I, no one
walking beside me, and with a watch to tell me
what time to meet Mattie for an early dinner. I
go to a church. I saw it on my way to the
historically important parts of town, from the bus
window. I showed it to Mattie and she said, "All
right. If you want to explore, just meet me by
four thirty at the bus stop where we get off for
the museum. Here, you had better borrow my
watch-- I'll find clocks to use, and you'd best
not have to depend on strangers for directions or
time."
Mattie had the authority to do this, as the
University staff decided that I was safe enough on
the streets in my own behavior that I would not
endanger the school's reputation. I have also not
had too much trouble with people who don't know
me, yet. They look at me strangely, but I smell
no malice in them towards _me_. Sometimes towards
each other, though. Just when I'm walking by on
the street.
I don't like smelling anger of strangers
towards each other. When these things happen, I
act nervous or I say something and Mattie or the
other student who helps me, Brina, takes me home
where I can sit in my room in the dorm. But today
I know I can handle the excitement and grey-blue
strangeness of Boston, and I am proud to be on my
own. I have a job to do. I have to remember. I
feel I must, somehow, the way people look at me
when we work on marsupial research and talk about
where I came from.
I keep my mouth shut about that, lately. The
doctors know these things. I dream and don't say
anything. They said it is not all that unusual to
dream every dream in black and white, when during
the day you see in color, and that it is probably
from how I lost my memory... I may have gone
full-morph in the Tasmanian grasslands, and lost
my memory, and my brain may not store colors.
But it does store colors. I have all the
shorebirds in Massachusetts memorized, and I know
my favorite shirt is green (with pink stripes,
narrow, across the breast), and I recall the fish
schooling with our liner on the way to America
were a dark sky blue. I looked them up. They are
a kind of fish called a dolphin, not to be
confused with the mammalian dolphin.
Not to be confused with red, or green, or
pink. But I keep my mouth shut. It hurts to see
them look at me and reflect something they swear
comes from _my_ eyes, something hurting, and not
know how that could be. I am confused, I say. I
cannot understand how this can be true.
You are diseased, they say. It stands to
reason that your mind will fill in the blank
spaces with memories that are not true. You need
the stability. We will tell you your true self,
and maybe someday you will learn to remember, too.
You will not recover from SCABS. But your memory
may recover.
Then they show more slides to the students,
some of whom are my friends, and explain my diet
(some kinds of marsupials, but they are not sure
other than wallabies and kangaroos-- here and now
I like Chinese. But that must be my human side,
whoever I was, as my companions point out).
School is the best thing to engage in.
I am saving my allowances, which the
University of Egypt, Massachusetts, gives me as if
I am a member of their family, for I need wages to
keep dressed and satisfied, and they can schedule
me for studying and sampling any time they like.
I save the money and buy clothes at the bargain
sales, with Mattie or Brina, and try to eat in the
cafeteria as often as possible-- though eating out
is fun. I want to go on a whale watch. I have
been on one and it was more exciting and
fulfilling than anything we have done so far for
the classes I myself am studying between being
studied by the other classes. The whale watches
are expensive and I will not be able to go often,
but I save for them. I am grateful to the school
for the money and the home.
Boston is a _big_ city. More closed-in than
the even larger cities I spent some time in while
in Australia, and so, to me, _bigger_. The stones
and bricks are old and brown and bluish mossy grey
and outlined in black iron fire escapes.
Some places here are modern, glass and green
trim and shined as glistening as the surface of
the ocean I study, but in this large, deep
neighborhood the sidewalks are newest. I can
smell old, old, old on the outsides of the
buildings, even under a grime from automobiles.
Long-ago old, like the moving picture Thylacine.
Some of them are less old. And one of these is
the church.
It has yellow brick, and what caught my
curious eye through the bus window was the Jesus
figure hanging on the flat wall outside. Facing
the street, but looking down, exhausted, I think,
from dying. Bronze-dark-brown, on the Cross as--
it's called a Crucifix. Yes. I have seen a
church service on TV. Not in person.
I know Sundays are the traditional days of
the church services for those of the people who
worship this Christ, Jesus, and this is not
Sunday, but I think I will visit the House,
anyway. That is what I have heard people call it,
and they smell respectful. A little of the Holy
Bible has been read to me. Also, other Holy
Texts. But this is difficult for me. So much to
society! And all those bodies, during a service.
Touching and brushing and who-knows-what when.
Seeing it on the screen is all right. Maybe I
will remember my old body and get better about
strangers contacting me unexpectedly. But an hour
in _such_ close quarters, how would I learn
anything? I hear some of the services are all day
long. I do not know if they sit so close in those
religions. Well. I want to look inside this
church. Now.
The doors are two beside one another, yellow
and with steel handles rubbed by layers and layers
of hands having pulled them for years. I think
the last person to imprint the steel was a man. I
am always checking these things, even if they mean
nothing to me.
Jesus looms, and looks down at the sidewalk.
I smile-wrinkle up at him, statues always make me
do that, as if their expressions are real. I said
so to someone, and they laughed at me. Said I was
still growing up, all over again. Maybe I said it
wrong.
Cool, comfortable air comes forth from the
main area of the church. There seems to be no
Lobby, like in motels or museums; there is only a
square opening into the seats and the spot where
the priest performs his duties.
In one upper corner of the entryway wall
there is a surveillance camera, like they have in
stores. There is no one out here but me, however.
I draw my tail quickly in through the doorway and
the seam comes flush again behind me.
"Is there anybody here?" I call, softly, in
a voice that you could almost call normal except
for its soft huskiness.
No answer. I walk further into the church.
There is a small glow from within a red
lantern at the far end of the building. Two doors
leave, that I can see, in opposite directions, and
there is a platform that seems to be the focus of
the way the seats are facing.
In the front, maple-colored bench, on an end,
sits a deep green pot with a rose bush inside.
The bush is red-flowered, some opened wide,
and leafed thickly with forest green. It appears
to be well taken care of. I have seen some of the
potted plants in the dorms where I live. They are
not, sadly, so full and glossy.
Beyond the rose bush, beyond the doors and
the platform with its rock altar, is an entire
wall tiled to form a picture of the Christ. This
time, he is looking up, solemnly, with his golden
hands held out wide. The tiles are put together
in intricate detail to show his eyes, and hair,
and a glow around his hair, and then the robes and
a sky beyond. The side walls inside this place
are plain yellow paint on brick-- the picture wall
is the only decoration, but it is big. Small,
compared to the city outside, though. I go in to
sit down.
I think, it can't hurt, can it? If I learn
to sit in these places alone, maybe things will
come to me, little things about who I am. With an
escort I can only think so long before we begin to
talk about something. My dorm room is always the
same. So I will try to be out, alone, like so.
Maybe I can become used to the church, too. Then
one less thing to worry about, if I ever attend a
service. One less thing besides the bumping and
claustrophobia. I get better every day.
Maybe the forests and the grasslands spoiled
me. I do not recall. I sit down on a
smooth-backed bench and reach for a book, kept in
a rack in the seatback in front of me. Hymns. I
read the words.
I look around, in between reading the
tiny-print words in the newsprint pages. The air
moves enough in an indoor breeze through this
building that the leaves of the shiny rose bush
rustle slightly, and I can ripple my nostril just
a bit to catch its raspberry-tea scent. Pretty.
The smell of print and closed book rises from
the "Missalette", as it is called on the small
magazine-like cover. I would rather smell the
rose, as it comes to me over the tile and stone
and water essences here, over the scent of many
individuals, clumped into one space for the
services, gone now but lingering on the benches
and in the air. I close the small book of hymns.
I close my eyes and try to remember some of the
words.
The tingles on the back of my neck are
unfamiliar.
Something about the place, the Christ and the
tile, is soothing, if a bit odd and out of place,
being so empty in a city like Boston, and I stay
seated with my lids over my large eyes and think.
I try to remember things. The rose cannot be
aware, I think, but I am smelling its self
strongly. The strangeness continues. My hands
burn slightly where I held the book. I look down,
for a brief instant, but there is nothing to see
but the bit of peachiness to my fingertips that
may have come from lights in the ceiling,
manufactured and not like the light outside.
My eyes shut again and I see the Christ
walls, both of them, and then grey things from
before the scientists told me to try to stop.
I do try to stop, to do as they say, but I
see things I cannot _make_ go away. Cries, but
not cries like those of people in pain. Dark,
light. Dark. Light. Ripples. Breeze. All in
shades of grey or tricklings of the most faded of
rainbow colors into white and black. My ears turn
to catch the mind-sound of the yipes or cries, but
I have trouble getting them to do so. I must be
distracted by the newness of the church and my
thoughts-- my ears are oddly immobile. I think
and think and the smell of the rose fades away. I
hear a rustling, but it becomes a sound effect,
like on television, for a form in a vision. My
hair and face feel strange. I have to get out of
here.
My eyes snap open and see the rose, closer
than before.
I know I must be imagining things, so I nod
to the rose-- I feel odd. I feel I must
acknowledge something. I sense strange things.
The rose bush in its pot seems out of place, a
plant not explained by the building or people or
my own eyes. I next try to nod politely to the
tiled wall-picture of Jesus. The one of not the
Crucifix. I want to pay my respects, as to a
host, and in this House there is no host. Except
God, I think.
I think some people say that animals don't
have spirits. Christ. Are all the wolves in
Heaven? Or not? I still do not understand this.
Everybody tells me something different. Finally I
asked a professor, straight out, "If the
Thylacines are dead, all dead, a century ago,
where did they go? Did they not go to Heaven?"
The professor looked at me. I still don't
know. The answer she gave was overshadowed by one
of those not-possible visions. I have not yet
asked her again.
Truthfully, I do not think she knows. I wish
to ask someone who _knows_. But that is hard to
find. Someone who knows, and who can tell you
they know so your sense feels right and the words
and the person feel right. So they know, and I
know they know.
The doctors, the teachers, tell me what is
right, and for that I am grateful. I must not
cross what they say, unless I have a reason. And
there is only one of me. All of them say the same
thing-- "You are a person, so don't worry about
it. And do not hinder your progress by dwelling
on these dreams you use to escape. Everyone has a
different opinion on animal souls. We want to
help you as a person. Do not fear; humans with
SCABS are still humans. Concentrate on your
studies, and who you are, and let us concentrate
on the marsupial wolf. We will keep you informed.
You are an asset to science."
I know. But I still ask about animal souls.
And even as I get better at this society and
University life every day, I do not _try_ to
escape with my discolored dreams. They come,
every day, every night. If it is wrong, I had
better keep quiet, because I will yet learn to
suppress them, and I will not be kept from free
days like today.
The freedom is a little scary. I almost wish
for Mattie beside me, instead of at the bus stop
in forty-five minutes. I could tell her I am
feeling weird, a little off, with all this thought
and the new space of the church, and she would see
me to a safe place.
The church _is_ safe. But I must get out.
Somewhere else, I may come back to myself and be
collected by the time I meet Mattie.
Whales. I curl the edge of my lip in a tiny
smile at the thought of their washed, dark selves
waving to us from off the side of the boat. Soon
I will be able to make such discovering trips
alone. Perhaps as soon as I have the money saved,
even.
Not that I don't love the horseshoe crabs,
and the fishes, and all of the creatures we seek
and find in the sand in Egypt. I try to pay close
attention to films in class, too, though the
teachers' speaking is better for me to gain
knowledge by.
It is that the whales _choose_ to come see
us.
I wonder if there are other such beings, and
other such visits, taking place elsewhere.
The wide, rimmed doorway to the place of the
steel door handles. I pause in my slight
confusion at a bowl of water, two bowls, placed
one on either side of the entryway.
On the way, I pass the one on my right, and
stop over it. The brass-hued holder seems empty
at certain angles and in certain light, as I turn
my oddly itching head this way and that, and upon
closer inspection the water turns dark.
In the circle is a girl, or perhaps a woman,
of blue eyes shimmered brass by the back of the
water, and black hair curved at all the tips over
her shoulders. I have never seen her before. I
glance at the pale skin and solemn expression,
then pull back and blink at the double doors
beyond. Light. In the street is light, from the
sun rather than fixtures in ceiling tile. I
decide to go out.
Pushing the right-hand door, I break the
seam and release myself onto the street. I have
done well, I think, for a first time practicing,
and I will come again to this building when I can.
For now I need to sit down. A bench,
sunshined and made with slats, not solid and
smooth like those in the church, curves its back
invitingly across the street. I check for cars,
but the street seems particularly quiet today. I
cross to the bench.
My head still feels weird. I shake a little,
and close my eyes. The tingling turns to burning,
as if I have been sitting in one place too long,
and then a tight ache-- then it is gone.
I look up. Jesus looks at the sidewalk
across from me.
Someone walks by, steps scuffing along
unhurriedly, and I wait for that glance that will
say, oh, a dog, no, a-- and then that strange
scent and look of nonrecognition, and the
quickening of steps. People do like to have
things defined. I know at least that much about
our society, so far!
Mattie. The bus stop. I get up from the
bench and go to meet her, as the passerby sees the
SCAB, thinks, is confused, and discards. I ignore
the walker and move in my own path.
I check the watch Mattie has loaned me. I
seem to be doing well for time. In the windows of
the shops I pass, I see clothes and jewelry, and
my face. The thinly furred ears, cupped to trap
vibration before me, as though my reflection might
make a sound, and black nose tipping a tan muzzle,
pointing at the face of Anne. Peering back at
herself, looking in store windows in Boston.