Going on the Northwest Passage
by Miss Histhe
The Uber God built the Northwest Passage,everything else and
created the gods and the animals to populate it all.
Then it created the Dragon Angels,souled beings whose venom was vice
and whose milk was grace.
It all began when Wotans woman,Freya Grace Angel of love
kindness and womanhood was violently and sexually taken by a vice
serpent.Her screams rent through the night and all the denizens of the
Earth shuddered in terror as the screams didn't die away till dawn
when the assailant tore off her precious necklace.At which point the
screams soon turned to roars.Wotan came into Freyas bedchamber
and found a vice serpent crouched down in women's clothing trying
to reassemble the necklace.Wotan soon put two and two together
and helped the shell-shocked reptile regain his womanhood.No doubt
with much muttering.
This was in the days before marriage certificates and the rule of law
had solidified, so perhaps raping a Grace Angel was not yet a crime.After all
Freya had borne Wotan a bastard god son Thor,but who would dispute
that the kid was Wotans.
Though the method suggested the Dragon of Sodomy was the
culprit it was Nidhoggr Dragon of Envy witnesses saw lurching out of
the room just before Wotan entered the scene.
Being a evil monster,Nidhoggr wouldn't have denied a accusation
of performing the evil vice.Hence it wasn't long before word got back to
Wotan and Freya that it was not Sodomy,but Envy that was responsible
for her latest pregnancy.
The baby was born a pale skinned humanoid with a soul of a vice
serpent and the heart of his mother.The blue skinned giantess wrapped
her son in her own white linens,fingered her necklace and strode into the
mead hall.
The kid had to be named,species determined,issues of fatherhood
settled and other matters.She sat in the leather backed wooden chair and
stared at the gathered gods with her impassive does eyes.The pale
skinned baby boy clutched at his mothers breasts and looked on at the
gods.Were these his kinfolk?
Naturally the vice serpents had been excluded in general
and Nidhoggr specifically from coming into the mead hall.
The newborn baby was named Man,and he became the first human
being.That issue settled,everyone got ready to party.
CCCCCCCCCCCreak
Slowly the door opened and in came the crouching scaly hissing
figure of a vice dragon.It was Nidhoggr and slowly the reptile moved on
swaying hips to where Freya and Man were.There was a hush,except for
the pained laboured breathing of a dragon who wasn't built for walking
on his hind legs.
He went over to the mother and baby and Man gurgled happily
and reached out for the reptile.Out slid the forked tongue and Nidhoggr
tasted the scents of Man and Freya.
Was he the dad?Freya certainly hoped he was.He was after all a sort
of High Noon Gary Cooper semi honourable sort of evil fellow.If Man
had to have a vice serpent for a father,Nidhoggr was preferable over the
sleazy runt buck toothy Dragon of Sodomy named Billyhorg.
Outwardly the reptile showed no emotion.Inwardly he was a
emotional sea of turmoil.The kid had Freyas scent and bloodline.But
he also had his own scent and blood in him.Perhaps he was staggering
around raping Grace Angels in his sleep? Perhaps Sodomy had on his
form and genetics before raping Freya?Only thing for certain was that
Wotan was not the father.
Freya had that hopeful look in her face.Please please say the
kids yours rather then that bucktoothed runts.
" The child isss not mine" hissed the serpent,doing the evil that
came
naturally to his kind."It isss Sodomys child"
At which point Freya experienced a lot of nasty feelings,including envy.
Wotan roared and smashed his flagon in front of his most hated
enemy.The dragon reared back its neck and spat venom of bitter hatred
and loathing straight onto Wotans face.The sky boomed ,lightening
flashed and a already passionate god became even more enflamed .
The two titans struck blows at one another with nearby furniture.
Gods ducked out of the way as the two furious entities thrust and
parried,clubbed and slashed and mauled their way up the stairs leading
to the thatched roof.
Everyone looked up in awe as the two roaring titans had the first
sword fight,first cauldron of burning bubbling black oil.
All soon fled as the flames slowly began consuming the
building .The roaring fire and crashing of timbers mixed with shrieks of
pain and triumph as Wotan and Nidhoggr duelled on the roof ridge.
Suddenly there was a shower of sparks and both figures fell into the
flaming inferno.After a few minutes Wotan emerged sooty but
being a god,undamaged.
Nidhoggr on the other hand was last seen crashing through a side
window .He was shrieking,in pain and in flames.
The UberGod was a High Noon fan and declared in the Ragnarok
Prophecy that gods would die and the Grandsons of the Serpent would
inherit everything.
The gods didn't like that.
It had all begun when Gerhard Gers,parttime god and
fulltime pot and pan salesman had been haggling with a troll housewife
at her cottage in the Wesphaelen Mountains.The old hag stood there
beside his wagon and wouldn't budge on what she'd buy his wares at.Finally an
exasperated Gerhard asked her if she had something to
barter with.
The old troll woman cackled.went back into her cottage and came
out with a stack of yellowing papers .Some were marked " Ragnarok"
some " Danger 'UXB' Human" and others on topics wild and varied.
The old trolless had been a cleaning lady in the employ of the Uber
God and had fished out scraps of notes it tossed into the wastepaper
baskets while it worked out matters.
The trade was made and both the trolless and the part-time god
were happy.
Awhile later Gerhard rode into New York with his wagon .He rode up
the elevator and stepped into the 75th floor meeting hall where the VIP
gods hung out.
He was temporarily put back by the size of the long boardroom
table.Ten thousand huge hulking gods sat to the left.Their eagle feathered
horned helmets brushed the ceiling.As they banged their kegs of beer on
the chipped surface with a resounding boom the crowd of neatly dressed
gods to the right,twenty thousand in all,were startled away from their
laptops,their Blackberries,their Ipods.Behind them sat their
secretaries,busy typing and answering telephone calls.At the far end of
the table sat the three chief gods.Freya to the left,Thor to the right and
Wotan in the middle.
Gerhard's knees buckled together,his teeth chattered in fright.Then
thirty thousand and three pairs of eyes turned as one and stared at him.
" Uh hello?" said the salesman as the clacking of typewriter keys
stilled and a hush filled the room.
" Are you in the market for some Ragnarok" he enquired
" Aye " roared the crowd of jubilant gods.
He placed a briefcase on the table.One he'd only packed that morning
and whch contained plans for super weapons that could crack a planet
open with a single flash.Plans of bioweapons that would reduce serpents
to a rotting undeath for all eternity.Plans to undo the destiny of humanity
to become inheritors of the Universe and reduce them to mindless zombie
servants of the gods.
many a gods eye gleamed as Gerhard gave the briefcase a push that
sent it sliding to the other end of the table.
Blue skinned doe eyed Freya looked sick and looked away.Thor
eagerly reached out to receive the briefcase but stern-faced Wotan swatted
him away and flipped the cases latches.
The top flew open and a vast assortment of troll ladies lingerie
spilled onto the table before his startled eyes.He rummaged in the
briefcase for the sought after prize.He sniffed it,flipped it upside down
and even stuck his hands in some of the pockets of the ladies wear.
But no wonderful weapon of world destruction did he find!
All eyes turned back to Gerhard again.
" No problem "said he" I must have left the plans back in the
wagon.I'll
go get it before you can say Ragnaro Prophecies"
And so he was.No briefcase but the pockets of his coat were bulging
and he laid several silvery staffs onto the table where none of the gods
could examine them.
" These here are Cosmic UnZippers " he said triumphantly as he held
up
the stack of staffs.One blast from one of these unbinds gravity and can
send one galaxy hurtling out of control into another"
At that all the ten thousand horned war gods raised their eyebrows.
" Here,maybe the Lady Freya would like to demonstrate one" said the
part-time god as he strode up the side of the room towards Freya,Wotan
and Thor.
Laying the staffs on the floor too near a war god Gerhard eagerly
began his pitch on why we all needed a Cosmic UnZipper or two hanging
over the fireplace mantel.
The curious war god tentatively reached out a finger and touched one
the green lit runes on one of the staffs.He jerked his finger away when the
rune changed to a dull amber glow and emitted a soft buy beep.
Finishing his pitch,Gerhard bent over and picked up the affected
staff.He offered it to Freya but she would not have anything to do with
it.Thor eagerly reached out and grabbed it,there was a ZZZZZZBOOM
and Freya got hit by the bolt of lightening which shot out of the weapon.
Wotan looked worried,Thor was stunned and Freya shrieked as her
clothes crinkled and disintegrated around her.
All the thousands of male gods tried not to look ,but Freya in the
nude was more than they could resist.
Gerhard emitted a strangled squeak as both Wotan and Thor
prepared to defend Freya's honour.Gerhard held out his hands in
supplication to them.
" No problem.The batteries must be low."
That got Freya even redder.
"Consider it a free gift." said a off put Gerhard
Meanwhile the war god softly slid the other Cosmic UnZippers under the
table with his foot.
Gerhard pulled out some tins from his pockets.He grimaced as he
felt their coldness.It was a extra chilly day today.he whistled,put a forced
smile on his face and forgo the sales pitch.
" I don't think you'll want a demonstration today of 'Human Buggone'
however..."
"...Behold gentlemen the Grey Mist of the Mask which renders things
silent,invisible and odourless"
upon which he popped open one of the cans lids.There was a POP
and a grey bubbling liquid sprayed all over Thors black vest.The front
of the vest faded away,revealling Thors hairless chest and a heart
shaped tattoo on it with the words THDR LOVES...
Before the thirty thousand and three gods could finish saying "Run
for your life" Gerhard was already in his wagon urging his winged horses
on.
Back in the upstairs meeting room lay his abandoned sales samples.
So the gods decided to take out the human race on the day of
Ragnarok.
Nidhoggr spent the time turning some of his bastard
human offspring into Dragon Angels.
The gods did their thing.
Gerhard had done his obligatory military service in the Royal
Netherlands Indies 41st Brigade of godly scriveners and bards,so when
he got called up again that's where he went.
He thus found himself driving a chariot with a thousand winged
horse team somewhere over the Island of Janapur.His task was to record
the events and to keep track of the processing of the humans,to round up
strays and report any isolated pockets of humans and ghosts.
The chariot came with a spare staff and a can of Human Buggone
but the salesman turned archivist ignored them.
The war gods swept by in their chariots seeding the seas with the
grey stuff.The seas rose up,belched and vomited their humans and ghosts
onto the land.
The chariots flew over the land and seeded the land with the grey
stuff.The lands rose up and vomited and belched their humans and ghosts
into the winds.
The chariots swept through the winds and seeded them with the
grey stuff.And the winds vomited and belched.The humans and ghosts
were swept by the winds over the Pacific,over the Rockies,over
the prairies, eastwards till they were deposited enmasse in Nova Scotia.
Same thing happened in other sectors of Earth.By six
AM the next morning Gerhard rode in shocked silence over one
deserted place after another.All that could be heard was the clip clop
of his horses and the waves and the wind.
He was coasting over a city called Windsor when he noticed a
crowd of the blue skinned giantesses he knew were Grace Angels.They
appeared to be taunting one of their number,pulling at her hair ,her head
fins and her necklace.She was dressed in what appeared to be a blue
shade tent canopy.
" Oh well,I need some company" he said and glided his chariot
down to the crowd.Soon he had the bawling crying accosted lady aboard.
It was the usual teen girl swarming for the usual reasons.We're
sophisticated city grace angels and you're just a poorly dressed
country hayseed.
They rode on and neither he nor her saw her glittering necklace part
at the front.Slowly one by one the gems slid off the string and fell to the
Earth far below.
Gerhard explained to his guest the sights they saw as they glided
along.Many a war god was raring to use his or her staff weapon.
Lightening crackled from chariots speeding nearby and sliced the Earth
with a thousand cuts.After a few minutes streams of golden orange
liquid oozed out of the Earths wounds and stood out against the
darkened landscape.
The lady politely agreed it was a wonderful site,Though she felt a
aching on her shoulder blades,and kept twitching them,she didn't
mention her ailment to the god.
The now empty string of the necklace slid off her shoulders and
whipped away into the winds behind them.
Finally they arrived at the edge of the gathered mass of humanity lay
huddled.The war gods were finally getting serious and Gerhard could see
the bright bubbling fissures slowly forming and foaming around the target
landmass.
Geysers erupted into the air.Groans and rumbling mixed with the
screams of humans and the moans of ghosts.Thor amid his men gathered
their chariots in the air,a big fat smile breaking through his beard.The
honour of making the final cut was his and he gave a passionate speech
about the glory of the gods.Gerhards guest meanwhile was staring
intently at her left hand,whose one foot long talons were itching out
into three foot long increasingly curved,increasingly serrated talons.
Then while Gerhard snapped pictures Thor thrust out his staff and it
spat a frizzling flash of lightening at the last unsevered part of the
landmass.
The cut out plug shot a mile into the air as a column of
glowing hot magma rose up beneath it..The magma sprayed out to the
sides and the plug plunged back into the Earth.
All the gods looked into the hole,expecting to see the plug with
its screaming humans and ghosts swept over by the sea of magma.Instead
they watched as the plug grew increasingly smaller as it fell towards the
centre of the Earth on a whirlpool of magma that was funnelling to the
bottom and vanishing from their sight.
The gods had just discovered the UberGods " matter inverter",the
pressure relief valve for the Earth.As they watched on in horror the edges
of the hole crumbled off and were swept into the glowing
spiralling funnel.The hole rapidly enlarged as the "matter inverter"
began
sucking up the planet.
As if on cue the spectral channels faded into view,faint ghostlike
tubes that were far far more numerous than the god cartographers had
ever dreamed possible.
While Gerhard leaned forward over the edge to see the awesome
sights his guest leaned back.Both her hands had reformed into the
three taloned paws of a Vice Serpentess and the twitching on her
shoulders had given way to two growing bumps whilst a third
bump was forming at her buttocks,
Her cheap blue dress slipped off as her torso narrowed and
elongated.It briefly got caught on her emerging wings but her
lengthening tail whacked it to the winds.
There was a crackling stretching sound as her neck and snout grew and
the dragoness crouched down and stared at the unsuspecting part-time
god with malice in her slitted glowing eyes of evil.
She sprang just as the Earth suddenly gave a lurch and one fifth of
the globe fell in and vanished.The winds began to be sucked in and
Gerhard's thousand horses panicked at the sight of a dragons tail rising
from the chariot behind them and a collapsing dying planet in front of them.
Many a god lost control of their teams and many a god was hauled
to the very edge of the vanishing atmosphere by the frightened beasts,
notably Thor.
While Gerhard fought off the bellowing dragon lady squatting on his chest his war beasts charged for the nearest spectre channel.
While the dragon lady tried to deal with a thousand good and evil
impulses within her toothy skull,a thousand winged horses knew exactly
what they wanted.
The horses and the chariot landed with a CLONK on the upper surface
of the huge long tube.They all reared up on their hind legs,neighed in
fright and went charging down the invisible road into the funnel.Sparks
and smoke flew off the surface of the channel as hooves and iron shod
wagon wheels glowed red .The chariot whipped from left to right,the
dragon tail whipped from right to left and soon the horses,gerhard,the
dragon and the chariot had vanished into the UberGods matter inverter.
Thor and many others went to the edges of space as their out of control
horses went in one direction and the atmosphere,the spectre channels,the
remains of the Earth went the other way.
The Earth was ten miles wide,the Earth was ten feet wide and then
with a tiny spark of white light the Earth was no more.
The gods were drifting in airless space with only the Moon to keep
them company.What became of them I do not know.
The matter inverter was shaken and broken up.The Northwest
passage was shaken and broken up.The dragon angels,humanity,animals
,plants and the Earth were shaken and broken up.
The gods however emerged over the vast body of water that
was the start of the Northwest passage unscathed.
The UberGod was not amused .
Waving its arms it made some modifications to the debris floating about in the Northwest passage.
Then it took the broken up dragon angels ,humanity and other life
and put them back together as huge dragon pioneers who would colonize
the lands along the passage.
Many a shocked former human awoke for the first time in a new
dragon body sleeping in a covered wagon carried down the passage in
huge rafts.
On the rafts and in the wagons they found stowed the supplies
they'd need to start their new lives.
There was one slight hitch however. The race of hermaphrodite
dragons the gods were frowning upon looked an awful lot like clones of
their old nemesis the UberGod.
Which the wobbly stunned beasts were.
Gerhard Gers had been somewhat pleasantly surprised when the
dragon attacking him had suddenly vapourized within the matter
inverter.
Wotan and many others had been less pleased when their blue
skinned women vanished along with a lot of other stuff being sucked and
destroyed by the fiery glowing vortex of the UberGod.
And now there was a whole race of UberGod look a likes puzzling
over their forms, their sexes, their Conestoga wagons and the muzzle
loaders they found dangling from the willow hoops of the wagons.
Grief stricken and enraged Wotan looked about in the sky and
noted he still had his army of three and thirty thousand chariots with the
thousand winged horse teams.
With a curse the tall elderly war god gave the orders and a whole
thundering rumbling mass of hooves,horses,chariots and shouting
cursing gods swept down from the heavens.
The waters of the NorthWest passage sprayed and steamed as the
army charged along its surface towards the rafts of the pioneers.
Raven's Comments:
It was hard for me to figure out what to make of this story. In some places you seem to be trying for an epic, legendary tone, while in other places it shifts to an attempt at ironic or absurdist humor. Because of the inconsistency in tone, neither the epic parts nor the humorous parts really succeed at their attempted goals. The writing is difficult to follow, both because of technical troubles and because of sudden shifts in the narration; the story doesn't really carry us smoothly from one point to the next. There are a lot of characters, none of whom are really developed or described very well, which makes it hard to feel any strong attachments to any of them. There are hints of a deeper, richer backstory behind the events, but none of it is really portrayed very well; a person with no background in Norse mythology wouldn't have the faintest idea what was going on. Even for someone who does know Norse mythology, there's a lot in here that is confusing or hard to follow. There isn't much to tie the story to the picture; I'm guessing that the alien woman is supposed to be Freya, but that isn't really clear in the text. The story also doesn't seem to have a well-defined conclusion; it just stops, without really resolving anything.
I think you may have been overly ambitious in tackling a story of this magnitude, Miss Histhe. Humor is a hard gig to pull off, even for experienced writers, and epic stories aren't much easier. Trying to combine the two is something I leave for authors much more talented than I. I'd recommend that you practice your writing skills for a while on stories with a smaller, more focused scope, with fewer characters and a simpler plot and tone. Focus on building your technical skills first; seek out help from English teachers, tutors, whoever you have at your disposal who has strong writing skills. Once you have the technical side down, it will greatly help your ability to convey your ideas, which will in turn help you improve your artistry. Whatever you do, don't give up writing, and don't give up practicing! Improvement comes with hard work and learning from past mistakes, and all of that takes time.
Spelling/Grammar: C
Technique: D
Creativity: C
Artistry: E
Applicability: D-
Final Score: 20.5 out of 50