Everything I Ever Really Need To Know I Learned From TSA-Talk
Compiled by J.T. MartenTaur
Despite the obvious fantasy nature of the Transformation Story Archive
Mailing List, there are certain... applications, if you will, to real life
which can be drawn from the stories posted here.
Here, then, are the rules of life, as proposed by us, the writers and
readers of the Transformation Story Archive:
1. Old men always have magic.
(Especially if they are wearing dark cloaks, bathrobes,
or run tiny shops that no one's ever heard of.)
2. Beauty is often inversely proportionate to wisdom.
(Sexy babes are idiots.)
3. Change is usually painful, but the end result can be worth
it.
(Sometimes it's not, though, so stop while you're ahead.)
4. There is always more to an ancient object than meets the
eye.
(That old talisman your grandmother gave you? Throw
it away.)
5. Be wary of gifts from strangers.
(Apples have razor blades in 'em, don't ya know? But
in this case, you unknowingly snubbed the guy, so he's going to turn you into
a blond, oversexed, physically improbable woman. Unless you are one. Then you'll
become an inanimate object.)
6. What goes around comes around.
(If you're trying to transform someone, forget it.
The spell will backfire.)
7. Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what
you have.
(Stop fantasizing and get a life!)
8. The best way to avoid depression in hard times is to look
out for someone else.
(Find other people as depressed as you are, and then
sit around and wail about prejudice. Misery shared is more fun.)
9. Look before you leap.
(You grabbed the wrong ring, dimwit!)
10. You are who you hang with.
(A jaunt in the countryside with wild horses will have
predictable results.)
(No, NOT that you'll get road apples all over your shoes. YOU know what I'm
talking about.)
11. Exercise caution when handling foreign objects.
(Don't touch it! You don't know where it's been!)
12. Be ready to adapt.
(If an altering force envelops the universe, don't
bother fighting it.)
13. Words have a way of coming true.
(Don't say things with ironic double meanings, like
'I'm an animal in bed'. You'll be right.)
14. Always read the fine print.
(Unless the fine print is an obscure Latin phrase.)
15. Never look down on someone for being different.
(Unless they're a bigot. Then it's encouraged to persecute
them to your heart's content.)
16. Keep your promises.
(Yeah! And where's that tenspot you owe me?)
17. Be true to those you love.
(With one exception: If you live in the future, and
your love pilots a spacecraft, in which case you will die a horrible, gruesome
death at the hands of the Enemy, and your true love will be driven by a lust
for revenge, and almost forget the importance of The Mission, being overwhelmed
by his or her own passionate vendetta to utterly annihilate the Enemy, no matter
what the cost.)
18. Value the present. It's the best time of your life.
(Haven't you noticed? The future ALWAYS sucks!)
19. Never assume you know more than someone else.
(Like when you felt all smug, because you thought they
misspelled 'center' as 'centaur'? They didn't.)
20. Pay attention to details.
(If you notice that it's a full moon, there's a REASON
for it.)
21. Every end is a new beginning.
(The sequel will be worse.)