Wow... been 10 days since my last journal. Yes my life sucks, and I am busily and hastily making things worse. I have no job skills, no job, no health insurance, and no money to finish school (and no financial aid). I am alienated from the richer half of my family. I have no real life contacts, except the one person who feeds and shelters me, and frankly her health isn't so good these days. To make matters worse I have anxiety problems, am almost constantly depressed (not sad, depressed), and am sometimes frightengly disoriented of mind.
I can't come to terms with my mortality, or the fact that I can never experience my truest, most heartfelt desire. To escape the grief I lose myself in rambling writings, unrealized doodles, and the computer. As soon as I start getting somewhere, start making something beautiful, I realize that it is all going to die, and my mood crashes until I fail. I'm so empty, disoriented and numb, I can't keep up with anything: exercise, stories, school, job hunting, music, I just wander in a fog looking for my white knight, looking for some way to wake up from this nightmare.
Oh, did I mention I live in a horribly polluted place with smog and mold, pollen, industrial gasses, cow feces and also I live with a smoker? But instead of getting a degree, getting a life, getting a job and getting out of here, I sit in my own little room back here typing in the Dvorak keymapping in sheer masochistic glee, staying up late again, doing bad things to myself and I don't know how to want to stop. I'm killing myself here, wasting a bright opportunity not many people have in this world, and it's only a matter of time before it all catches up to me.
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