Fun with Classifieds

Today I shall entertain you with the phrases in each classified advertisement that convince me not to apply. While juggling 6 plates, on fire. Note, each list item is from a separate job application. I shall stop once I find a job I can apply for. On your marks, get set, go!

Must be dependable with the ability to work independently in a fast paced environment.
The ideal candidate will have a minimum of 5 years experience in the calibration field and must hold an AA degree or equivalent qualification. An in-depth knowledge of fiber optics and o-scope is essential.
We currently need someone Mon-Thur 9:00am to 2:00pm.
We are looking for an enthusiastic, hard-working professional with a successful track record in developing and executing innovative online marketing programs.
If you're a motivated, self-starting professional ready to take your career to the next level, we have the opportunity you've been looking for.
Requires experience in development of production applications in a SQL Server, .NET Framework using such tools as ASP.NET and Front Page. Prefer experience with Visual Basic .NET 2.0, Crystal Reports, and Visual Studio .NET. Any experience with MS Visual C#, SharePoint Server 2003, and Biz-Talk helpful.
The successful candidate will meet with employers to enhance their current benefit packages by offering additional Aflac insurance programs.
Minimum 12 units in ECE required, with teaching experience.
Requires high volume handling ability, strong analytical and computer skills, Excel, Word & 10 key proficiency, 5+ years of stable, related work exprience.
This position requires 2+ years recent commercial collections experience, ability to work in a MS Excel environment and excellent written and verbal communication.
Requires strong analytical, organizational & Excel skills, a degree in accounting from a U.S. college or university and 7+ years of stable work experience.
Must be available on the weekends.
QUALIFICATIONS Seven to ten years' experience working in a financial services industry, with the last three years at a direct-level position.
Required Skills and Background: 3-6 years of software development experience, 2-4 years experience with server side Java and other object-oriented development techniques
Currently hiring kitchen crew for pm and weekend shifts. Experience required.
If you love coffee, have similar feelings about tea,
Must be able to physically lift 50-75 pounds and be in good physical condition.
If you are articulate, well dressed and people oriented, this is the job for you!
Applicant Requirements: Professional Appearance, Positive Attitude, Self-Motivated, Excellent Customer Service Skills, Good Time Management Skills, Well Organized and Attends to Details, Team Player, Desire to Learn and Grow, Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, Outlook), Contract with Satan (okay I made up the last one, but it's not much more of a stretch!)
Qualifications: 5+ years executive assistant experience, preferably in an insurance environment, Bachelor's degree or equivalent years of experience
A traffic engineering firm in Pleasanton is seeking a candidate for the Controller position with 5 years of professional managerial accounting experience. The candidate should also have experience in supervising accounting, administrative, and IT staff.
WARNING: This internship is only for those who are serious about pursuing a career in public relations because this is no ordinary internship.
Applicant must have a valid CDL (California Driver's License) and reliable transportation to get to office every morning.
You must enjoy working in a fast-paced environment with changing priorities...This position requires 2 - 3 years office experience, preferably in a Human Resources Department and proficiency in Word and Excel. PeopleSoft knowledge is a plus!
Skills we need you to possess: demonstrably deep, object-oriented perl development experience, free unix, mod_perl, SQL (postgresql), AJAX, XML DOM, XPath, and XSLT.

So that's it, I'm sick of this. The closest I could possibly come is the last one but you can kind of tell intuitively they're looking for someone who is experienced, and most notably, not still in school. Every classified ad is the same, looking for the same person over and over again, one life path, one attitude, one way of thinking. I really don't mean to harp on this so much; it's not like the skills they're asking for are all bad, just... I don't have them. u.u What kind of job am I supposed to apply for?

Oh... and I just remembered. Since I forgot to visit her office on Monday, I was supposed to call today to set up an interview for a job at the school itself, via work study. I seem to have forgot to call her though, and better get to it before it gets as late as 5pm. Gods I feel lousy... sleepy and sore and, well yucky stuff.

...scratch that. I forgot again, and it got past 5pm. Called, but her office was closed. And so unfolds my contribution to the problem of being out of work. Why didn't I just call her at 10am this morning? I'm so tired of doing stuff like this...

And scratch again! The office lady had just left her desk for a minute and called me back, and arranged an appointment. So never mind, I didn't end up sabatoging myself, or failing, or screwing up, or whatever you call it. Still feel totally yucky though, or I'd be in a much better mood.

Fun with Classifieds

Journal started Sep 13, 2005