I woke up this morning, half paralyzed as usual. Sat listening to the flies buzz around outside for a good half hour before I could muster enough wherewithal to move. Got up around 9:30am, went to go get some breakfast. I had planned to go out at 8am, looking for jobs I guess. I don't know what I think I'm going to find. Everywhere I look are happy productive people who don't have any use for me at all. But I can't stop trying, even if I did have to get out a little late.
I was contemplating where I should go to try and apply, if there are any places left that don't make you apply to their faceless multinational online website. After I finished breakfast I went to my computer (sigh) and finished watching Cowboy Bebop. It wasn't half bad I suppose, could've been executed a lot less crudely though. And um... that's it.
I finished watching, and it had gotten up to 32.2 degrees, and I could hardly think. All the fan was doing was dehydrating me, and all I wanted was to find somewhere cool to curl up in and die. So I got up and got a big drink of water, ate some sourdough bread with cream cheese, some sugar and a cookie or two. I didn't really eat the cookie, just put it in my mouth and started chewing before I realized I didn't want to eat that crap. It doesn't even taste good, it's these grainy chocolate cookies my owner insists on buying, so I didn't finish... eating them. I hate to waste food, but it's better to throw that stuff away than to put it in my body I figure. Unhealthy!
I kind of started to think about getting out, but just couldn't do much more than lie on the ground wondering why it could be so hot all the time. I got up after about another half an hour, and came here to check the time to see if I still had a chance to get out of the house today. And that's where you find me right now. It's 3:41pm.
I might get out now, go to the library maybe. When I go there I can never find a book to read. Nothing much interests me anymore, because all the books in the world aren't helping me get a job and get out of this hellhole. So I usually hide in the air conditioning, and wander around looking at books, trying to find magic even though I know there's none there.
It's depressing really, being in a building full of books and not one thing written on any of them can help you. I've read the motivational garbage, about how it doesn't matter what your connections, or your opportunities, or your abilities are at all, as long as you have a positive attitude, that is, solve everything by thinking happy thoughts. I've heard better moral lessons from Barney. I've read the hard hitting gritty stuff about how you have to swallow your pride and just work hard for no reward, because only bad people try to have fun in life, and you'll find happiness by learning your place in life, peasant. You can imagine it doesn't help.
I read books about animals, but I can't touch any animals. I read about native California plants, and then I realize there are no native plants growing here anymore, only invasive weeds and imported trees. I read about heroes, villains, historical figures, and they're all dead and they couldn't find magic so what good is following in their footsteps? Oh sure, I'll be the one to make the final connection. I'm so special. That's what biographies try to inject in your brain, "You're reading about famous rich people and tragic stories, because they paved the way for you. You are the one." And predictably, that doesn't help either.
I walk over to the reference section, with the books so incredibly valuable you aren't allowed to check them out. They have supposed information on employment and living a productive life, like an encyclopedia of different careers, all of which are thankless, unachievable, and generally pretty boring. They have a whole shelf of meaningless statistics about employment demographics for the last 10 years. A few books on how many wonderful scholarships you can get if you happen to be african, latino, female, or if your parents are war veteran murderers, K-mart employees, Rastifarians, you name it. No resources at all for someone who's brilliant but in the wrong ways, and so totally alone.
I don't think I'll go to the library today.
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