I just mentioned recently on a public forum, "Have you ever felt like life passed you by for want of something beyond your means to give?" I should clarify what I mean by that.
Ew... this rant is all icky messy. And I did promise quality entries. Think I'll clean it up a bit.
Not having a job, and out of the Financial Aid loop, I haven't been able to go to school, even though I want to. I was going to go to a university, via a large no-interest loan from my father, but he backed out a few days before I was to leave for school. I really shouldn't have trusted him, or anyone for that matter to put up that much money. At this point, all I can do is try to find jobs that take skilled labor but don't need a diploma. There aren't many.
My real problem is that I am not very organized, or self motivated, and my skills at planning, to be euphemistic, suck royally. I'm not sure how to make them better, but am trying everything I can to do so. Too often though, I find myself drifting through life, watching opportunities pass me by. I'm afraid to commit myself to anything.
Those are not exactly good qualifications for any kind of hired work. I also have this mysterious reluctance: for some reason I don't want to get a job. I mean, getting a job isn't the most appealing thing, but it's the only way for me to make money for school, so what's my problem? I dunno, but the feeling doesn't go away.
Now the clock ticks down, as blasted Entropy takes a little more out of this world forever. I'm trying to keep pace, but sometimes I feel like my time is measured slower than the average person. I just wish I could do something definite and sure to move me towards a good life, full of stimulation and not a life spent doing nothing but surviving.
It might already be too late. My father gave me a friendly pep-talk after dropping out of the loan, saying that working on my own without a degree, it would take me 8 years to raise up enough money to go to a University. Great. I also mentioned getting an A.A. to get a job that can pay for higher degrees, but he made sure to shoot that down too. Most of the stuff to get an A.A. can only be done at certain times, and usually takes the full 2 years even if General Education is already met.
Then again, daddy's notorious for lying to scare me into giving him control of my life. I'm sure he'd love it if I came back weeping, saying how wrong I was, and how desperately I need him to provide for me. No, no I'm not going to do that. Better to die as a fry cook, I think.
So here I am, wishing I could get a job for the one and sole purpose of continuing to go to school. I'm not done learning yet. It's hard though, walking up to all those strange people, introducing yourself and acting as if you actually had some worthwhile qualities. I do have some, but to go out and say it is dreadfully uncomfortable. Sometimes I think they can tell I'm giving them the act, that I can't act openly and honestly around them because I don't trust people very quickly. Nevertheless, I have to get a job if I want to keep eating, going to school, and if I don't want to keep dragging my mother into the ground with work. So hard sometimes... why can't I do things for myself?
Going to go out looking tomorrow. *sigh*
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