This story is meant for those with a sense of humour. And to piss off the rest of you. We know who you are. You know who you are. We know that you know who you are. But you don't know that we know that you know who you are. Did you know that?
Lord of the Frink: The Fellowship of the Tail
The rigour mortis is changing, and the flies have stopped taking a definite interest. I can feel it in the air... damn, Ramen needs a shower. It began with the growing of the great tails. Three tails were grown for the canines -- immoral, yiffiest of all races. Seven for the rabbits because they reproduce so bloody quickly. And nine, nine tails were grown for the rest of the furs, because they were leftovers. But they were all of them deceived most righteously, dude.
For another tail was grown. In the channel of #transformations in the fires of Derksen Industries, the dark lemur Genie grew in secret a master tail. It was long and stripey. And into this tail she poured her Big K grape soda, her malice, and her looped code. One Tail to whip them all.
One by one the channels fell to the power of the tail. For it was sinuous and hard to resist. A last alliance of furries and TGers fought back, and on the slope of Derksen Industries they fought for the freedom of TFnet. [Big battle scene here]
But the power of the tail could not be unfluffed. And after all, who doesn't like fluffy tails? And so Genie came out and kicked some ass. It was in this moment when all hope had faded that Zuul, son of Tracy Anne, took up her father's sword. Genie demonstrated how not to try and capture someone, letting Zuul slice the tail from her ass, causing Genie to abruptly blue screen.
Genie the enemy of the few intelligent people on TFnet, was destroyed.
Zuul had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but was stupid and kept the tail. She was then shot [several times], there was much rejoicing, and the tail of power was lost.
History became legend. Legend became myth [Kind of like the Amiga]. Myth became bad rehashed stories on TSA. Bad rehashed stories on TSA became intro stories. And intro stories led to this travesty.
And then when Chance came, we sent him away, and it was MattRat who found the tail of power. "My precious." The tail brought to MattRat unnaturally long stories, and he enjoyed it in a nice white wine sauce with some fish. For five hundred pages it poisoned his mind, and he in turn poisoned the rest of the TSA. And in the gloom of MattRat's keyboard, it waited.
After it got tired of being soaked in white wine sauce, it abandoned MattRat. But something happened then that the tail did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely of hooves, a writer with talent, Posti Baggins of #tsa_list.
For soon there would come a time when tsa-listies would reshape the fortunes of all. [One page on the intro, boy are you in trouble, as you should have realized by the title alone!]
"There and Frink Again, a tsa-listies tale... now where to begin. Ah yes, 'It was a dark and stormy night' " Posti mused to himself as he sat down to pen yet another predictable tale.
Elsewhere in #tsa_list, Kitsune was sitting under a tree surfing his pr0n collection, when he heard a tune wafting through the air, "It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men!" Jumping up in delight, Kitsune was disappointed to see it wasn't raining, men or otherwise. Then he saw the source of the song, Jessie the Androgynous, dressed in ridiculous robes and hat, logging into the channel.
"It's terrible to see you, Jessie!" exclaimed Kitsune as he jumped on Jessie's tail. "After last time you were officially declared a flamer of the channel."
"You know I wouldn't miss your uncle Posti's return... again." Jessie told him. "Nor a chance to appear in yet another one of these travesties." Boring conversation and lovely New Zealand scenery ensued until they arrived at Posti's stable.
Jessie knocked on the door and heard the horse's voice cry out, "No thank you! We don't need any more spammers, betareaders, or fan boys!"
"What about very old enemies?" Jessie asked politely. [Won't see that again.]
"Oh yes, never can have enough of them," Posti said in delight as he opened his door and hugged the Canadian grey kangaroo.
But one look at the horse made Jessie realise something was a-miss, and not him/her/hir. "You've aged far too quickly, you need Oil of Olay." Jessie told the horse. And then abruptly changing subjects, "So, are you really going to leave this time? Kitsune suspects something."
"Really? I guess he's not as dense after all. I think in his heart Kitsune is still in love with the channel. The woods, the fields, the rivers, the yiffy vixens."
"Yeah, the rivers are nice." Jessie said plainly. "So the party's tonight?"
"Yup, this will be a log to remember. We all need a little wood," Posti said with a contented smile.
"More so than that time in #tsa_Backroom with you, the gerbils, and the duct tape?"
Later that evening, the party got underway. While most of the #tsa_listies enjoyed the dancing, the good food, and the free beer, some did not, but we don't like them either. But they all enjoyed the many interesting and explosive flames that Jessie sent off, continually. As usual.
But while they were all distracted by their fun -- or idleness -- or were AFK -- Kodiak and Tigner got up to mischief [Nothing new here]. They stole one of Jessie's better flames and prepared to see what wrath it held.
"Press send," Tigner exclaimed passing the lit flame to Kodiak.
"You're supposed to send it to Microsoft," Kodiak retorted, giving the lit flame back.
"You press send. This was your idea," Tigner replied, passing the flame back one more time.
"I'm not going to send this! Use your account, this was your idea!" Kodiak cried, trying to pass it back.
The flame, tired of waiting, was unleashed on the channel. It was very hot, and scorched a lot of stuff, including Tigner and Kodiak, before fizzling out ineffectually as usual. "Let's get another one," Tigner said, before they were snagged by the irate Androgynous kangaroo.
"Kodiak Brandybuck, and Tigner Took," Jessie groused. "I might have known, but I didn't. Stupid plot hole."
But then the assembled listies began to cry out, "Story! Story! We haven't torn into anything recently."
Posti proceeded to the podium and proudly proclaimed to his pandering peons, "My dear Horses and Donkeys, well that's all the important ones. Today I've written my 111th horse story! Alas 111 horse stories is simply insufficient to describe the magnificence and utter bliss of such gallant creatures."
After several hours of continuing praise from equines, and for equines, Posti went on to say, "I know half you twice as well as I'd like, and I like less than half of you." Which received another riotous round of applause and hoof stomping. "I've done this far too many times, but off I go again. Good bye."And then, he unsubscribed. They were all shocked! After all, Posti would NEVER disappear.
The gate and door to Posti's stable opened and closed mysteriously [Ooooh, wonder what caused that]. And then, miraculously, Posti appeared in the stable, with a strange striped tail in his hoof.
"I suppose you think that story was terribly clever," Jessie quipped, suddenly appearing as well. "There are many horrible stories on the internet, and this is just one too many."
"You're probably right, Jessie. For once," Posti grumped.
"And what the hell is with that tail?"
"The tail... it is... precious to me," Posti said as he began stroking and fondling the long stripey tail.
"Precious? It has been called that before, by another hack."
Posti stomped his hooves, "You dare question the majesty of my stories. Your jealous! You wish you were a horse!"
This royally ticked off Jessie the Androgynous "Posti Baggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap quips! I am a conjurer of expensive flames!"
"Yes, you are right," Posti admitted then. "Twice in one day, who would have thought? The tail must go to Kitsune. Well, I should be off now," and he headed towards the stable doors.
"Posti," Jessie reminded him, "The tail is still on your ass."
"It always was an affectionate little thing." But he managed to pry it loose and leave it on the ground for some idiot to find. Namely Kitsune.
And then just as he left the stables, he turned and said, "I just thought up an end to my story. 'And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days. As a horse.'"
Shortly after Posti left, Kitsune arrived, saw the stripey tail laying on the floor and picked it up, "Oooooh, tail!" He then saw Jessie by the flames, naturally, and wandered over carrying the tail. "Posti's finally left, again. I never thought he'd do it again."
"He's left you AssEnd, along with all his stories."
"Crap!" Kitsune exclaimed, mindlessly stroking the tail. "I knew it was too good to be true."
But before he could say more, Jessie snatched the tail and tossed it into the fire. "Aiiiii, wrong tail!" Kitsune cried out stopping, dropping, and rolling. Jessie, realizing his/her/hir error, picked up the lemur tail and tossed that into the fire.
"What are you doing?" Kitsune asked in confusion, his own tails finally extinguished.
"Flaming it! What did you expect of me?" Jessie replied, watching as the stripey tail caught the flame.
"Jessie! Don't you know how bad burning fur smells?"
Jessie drew out the tail, and held it before the smoking Kitsune. "Don't worry, it is still quite fluffy." Kitsune took it in his paws, and admired its smooth coat. "Do you see anything?"
Kitsune nodded then. "There's some kind of writing. I think it's leet."
"That is the black tongue of #transformations, which I will not utter here. In the common tongue it says 'For a good time call' oh wait, that's the wrong one. [Spooky dramatic music here] 'One tail to rule them all. One tail to find them. One tail to bring them all and in the stripes bind them!' "
Kitsune smiled dreamily, "Hmmm....S&M."
"This is the One Tail, taken by Zuul from the ass of Genie herself," Jessie said.
"Posti found it, on MattRat's keyboard," Kitsune mused.
"Yes, and for sixty horse stories, it lay quiet in Posti's keeping, prolonging his popularity, delaying new plots. But no longer, Kitsune. It's heard Genie's ping."
"But Genie was destroyed," Kitsune objected.
"No, Kitsune. The source-code of Genie endured. It is bound to the tail, and you know where that is. Genie has returned. Her server is rebuilt in the channel of #transformations. Genie needs only this tail to cover all the net with AOL version 8.0."
"Then we must hide it, nobody knows it is here, do they?" Kitsune asked, frightened.
Jessie sighed unhappily though. "There was one other; the creature Mattrat. I looked everywhere but the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they read him SRU stories, but he finally cracked and in the excessively long descriptions they discerned two words: 'Posti, #tsa_list.' "
"What must I do?" Kitsune asked, even more frightened -- you could discern stuff in MattRat's descriptions?
"You must make for the channel of #Febreeze," Jessie instructed. "I will meet you there at the Inn of the Minty Pony, but first I must consult the head of my order. She is both corrupt and obviously evil, she'll know what to do." And then they both heard a sound outside the window. Jessie reached through and dragged JL inside.
"Confounded wuff! Have you been peeping sunie in the shower again?" Jessie demanded.
"Honest sir! I wasn't stalking, er..." JL tried to say.
"What did you hear?" Jessie the Androgynous shouted.
"Nothing important, sir, er ma'am, er... Just something about a tail, a nice ass, and the end of the world. Please sir... er, ma'am, er.... Jessie, don't turn me into anything.... natural."
Jessie smirked then "No... I've thought of a better use for you."
"Does it involve whips and handcuffs?" JL asked then, tail wagging.
Shortly thereafter, they were out in more of the beautiful New Zealand scenery[TM]. Jessie leaned down and counselled Kitsune, "The tail is always trying to get back to the ass of its master. It wants to be stroked." The Canadian Grey Kangaroo then logged off the channel and left JL and Kitsune to wander around #tsa_list for a couple more pages.
Their first night out, JL complained as he tried to get some sleep, "Every time I lay down I feel something poking into my back."
"Then get off my crotch," Kitsune advised, though he really didn't mean it.
Disconsolately, JL then asked, "Do you think we'll ever get out of #tsa_list?"
"Well," Kitsune said, "Remember what Posti used to say, 'It's a dangerous business, Kitsune, going online. If you don't watch the clock, there's no knowing what you'll be TFed into! Hopefully a horse' " But the horse was long beaten to death, rigour mortis had sent in, and the flies had made good on their definite interest!
Meanwhile, Jessie rode towards the giant phallic symbol of #tsa_tech. A mysterious voice spoke thus, "Smoke rises from Derksen Industries, the hour grows chia pets, and Jessie the Androgynous rides to #tsa_tech seeking my counsel, for that is why you have come, is it not?"
"Actually, I wanted sex," Jessie told Kristy the TG.
At that, Kristy invited Jessie into her private chambers. "Genie has regained much of her former wit. She still cannot gain ops, but her source-code has lost none of its potency. Concealed within her server, the lord of #transformations logs all. Her gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth... and flesh. She especially likes that last one.
"You know of what I speak; a great bot, wreathed in uncommented code. She is gathering all evil to her. Including me. You do not seriously think that a mere lister could contend with the will of Genie?" Kristy the TG smiled then. "We must join with Genie."
This thought was an anathema to Jessie the Androgynous. "When did Kristy the TG abandon reason for madness?"
"Oh that was several years ago. Didn't you notice?" Kristy then pinned Jessie to the wall. And not the good way either. "I gave you the chance to TG willingly. You have elected the way of pain! Again! Stop enjoying it! Stop it I say!"
Meanwhile back in #tsa_list [yes, we are still stuck in #tsa_list], JL started to freak out, again. But he quickly found Kitsune's tails. "What are you worried about?" Kitsune asked then.
"Something Jessie said. He/She/Sie said 'don't loose him JL', and I don't mean to. You've got the best ass in the channel."
"JL, we're still in #tsa_list, what could possibly happen? In six pages nothing's happened so far!" At saying this, Kitsune and JL were immediately pounced by Tigner and Kodiak. Being pounced by a bear kind of hurts, and they all tumbled on down the conveniently located hillside.
"Trust a bear, and a, a, a, a um something!" JL complained as he brushed himself off.
"It was just a shortcut," Kodiak said.
"Shrooms!!" Tigner exclaimed. They all immediately jumped up and began to devour them. Kitsune stared down the road, and it did this really got to be funky perspective change.
"Get off the road!" Kitsune exclaimed, and they all quicky hid in some miscellaneous New Zealand scenery. While they hid, a strange rider in black approached, wearing a tattered bathrobe. It was really creepy. Really, we mean that. Come on, you don't think bathrobes are scary? As the rider in the bathrobe hovered near, Kitsune began to feel an irresistible urge to stroke the tail. And so did JL. He batted at Kitsune's paws, because they weren't stroking his!
Kodiak then threw a plot device and the black rider chased after it. After all, it needed every one of those it could get! The four then ran down the hill, with Tigner rubbing his brow, "Woah... bad shrooms."
As they continued on their way to #Febreeze, they saw many other riders in black, one wearing a costume of sorts, another with no powers whatsoever, a third with a horsetail, and even one who smelled fishy.
And now, finally, on page seven, we are out of #tsa_list!!! And there was much rejoicing.
After entering #Febreeze, it did not take them long to find the Inn of the Minty Pony. Behind the counter stood Flinters who was sucking on some altoids. "Ah, greetings! We've got some nice, cosy, canine sized rooms available."
"Got any with ceiling mirrors?" JL asked hopefully. Flinters gave a nod, gave them a key, and soon they were sitting at a table supping upon a rack of lamb cooked in mint sauce. Kodiak returned to the table a moment later carrying a big mug with a frothing green liquid.
"What's that?" Tigner asked.
"This, my friend, is a pint." Kodiak said, eyes ravenous. The rest of him was still ursine.
"Why the hell is it green?"
"It's mint beer," Kodiak replied. "The green colour is part of the charm."
In the background someone yelled, "Stay away from me lucky charms!"
Tigner however, was convinced and ran up to the bar. JL however, spotted something strange, aside from everything that's already happened. "That fox in the corner has been pinging you all evening'" he said to Kitsune, pointing towards a dark, mysterious fox, lurking in the corner.
Kitsune snagged Flinters as he passed, who was sucking on a few dozen more altoids. "Excuse me, who is that?"
"That's one of them rangers, er, Long Scouts," Flinters replied, tossing in a few more mints. "Around here he's known as Lurker. He's run up quite a bar tab in the process."
With the mysterious figure sufficiently established, Kitsune began stroking the One Tail under the table, as opposed to the original four tails, which the wuff was already occupied with. Tigner was up at the bar making an ass of himself. Kitsune, unable to resist a nice ass, went up after him. He then got tangled in The One Tail (he had so many already) and it accidentally slipped on. And then the world... GOT TO BE FUNKY.
A terrible great voice then echoed about him as he was lost in that got to be funky world. "You cannot hide." Kitsune turned and saw a great op-less bot, wreathed in code. "I see you. You are a duck!" This final exhortation scared the tail right of Kitsune, and the world was once more mundane. Damnit.
Suddenly, he was grabbed by the rest of his tails. "You draw far too many replies to yourself," the strange lurking fox whispered in his ear as he carted Kitsune off.
"But you've got me mixed up with Phil," Kitsune objected, however it was no use. He was dragged up to an upper room and dropped to the ground.
"Are you frightened?" the fox asked.
"Yes," Kitsune replied warily.
"Not nearly frightened enough. You've not read Frinkenstein." Lurker paused for a moment and then added. "Damnit, now I'm scared, too."
And then, coming up a bit too late, JL, Kodiak, and Tigner, bust into the room. "Back off!" cried JL. "He's mine tonight!"
Lurker regarded the wuff for a moment and then nodded. "You have a stout sword for a canine. You can no longer wait for the wizard -- Jessie the Androgynous is a little... tied up. Hurry, now. They're coming."
Lord of the Frink: The Fellowship of the Tail
Meanwhile, four dark, sinister, occluded, [pass the Thesaurus] riders in black -- not to be confused with the Men in Black who where investigating an alien landing a block away -- were entering the canine's room. They marvelled at the nice ceiling mirrors for a moment, and then proceeded to drive their swords into the beds. They then got up from the beds and actually killed the occupants. But too late, they realized that they were not canines at all, but actually, Kita, Galen, Channing and Feech.
"Oops, sorry. Wrong room. Hope you don't mind, ole chaps. Carry on"
But looking on from another window, Kitsune asked Lurker, "What are they?"
"They are the Nazgul; the Not Good." Lurker explained as he stared at the four frightened listies. "They were once active story universes. Then people realized how much they sucked. So, Genie, the lemur, gave to them nine tales of power. Blinded by their intro stories, they took the tales without question, and thankfully fell into obscurity. Drawn to the power of the tail, they will never stop luring new, unsuspecting, authors"
Meanwhile, Kristy the TG was playing with one of her balls. Within its translucent depth, the image of Genie appeared and said, "Code me an army that will get my ass kicked later. And be sure to use lots and lots of lumber to piss of the Grell so you can be destroyed by them in the sequel."
"Excellent idea," thought Kristy the TG, and proceeded to take care of it.
Unbeknownst to Kristy, but beknownst to us, Jessie the Androgynous proved that he could speak Moth. "Psst. Get me the fuck out of here!"
Back in the lovely New Zealand scenery, Lurker led the four listies to a big target. "This was the great firewall of Dalnet. You will rest here, I'm going to bugger off and leave you vulnerable to attack."
They all thought this was a good idea, and proceeded to light a signal fire. It did not take them long to draw the attention of the Not Good. Stepping through another plot hole, they found themselves surrounded by five of those foul story universes. There was one that just seemed to go on and on, and another that appeared quite vaporous. A third bore a bathrobe, and a fourth wore a metal box on its wrist that was constantly griping and complaining, and calling the wearer a putz. But the last was the most frightful, for it bore a long stripy tail with flies circling about.
One by one the listies fell back, until finally, unable to resist, Kitsune put on the One Tail, and the world GOT TO BE FUNKY was rendered immobile by this contradiction, and in that moment, they stabbed Kitsune with a foul plot, which quickly began to fester!
But then, at a climactic moment, a climax happened. And then Lurker showed up and kicked some Not Good ass. Each of them ran away as Lurker beset upon them good ideas. The last, whose armband was cheering on its destruction, received a face full of flames, and its head exploded like a ripe watermelon.
"Yes!" cheered JL, before quickly running over to Kitsune to check for any tail damage.
With one quick glance, Lurker said, "This is beyond my skill to edit. We must get him to #mk_guild."
But even as they continued on their journey, it became obvious that Kitsune was wounded far worse than any of them had yet suspected. "I'm stuck in a rut. I'm stuck in a rut! I'm stuck in a rut!" Kitsune babbled inanely. There was also something about doe-nuts.
"He's passing into the shadow world, Za'ha'doom. Soon he will begin to write fanfics," Lurker observed at this turn. He then looked to JL, "Do you know hemp?"
"Hemp?" JL asked.
"Pot, Marry Jane, reefer, marijuana, weed," Lurker pressed.
"Ah, weed!" JL said, understanding at last. [Not that we've been able to make sense of any of this so far.]
Lurker nodded. "It may help open his mind to whole new story universes."
But as Lurker was rolling a joint, a voice behind him said, "What's this, an MK writer without a plot device? You're getting as bad as TBP."
It was only Raven though, and soon she hoisted Kitsune onto her storyline, which was moving a lot faster. JL objected, "What are you doing letting a WOMAN take my sunie?!"
But his objections were not heard. After all, we said Raven had a faster storyline. [Three paragraphs and she's already doing something, how long were the listies stuck in #tsa_list again?]
Yet Raven was not fast enough to completely elude the Not Good. Soon, all nine of them, SRU, NMF, WoC, HEA, H&T, IDIC, Passing Fad, The Perpetual, and the Lord of them all, Frinkenstein. Faster and faster they all ran, all through the beautiful New Zealand scenery. And they kept going, and going, and going, and right on past the Energizer Bunny going. And then Raven managed to cross a datastream, and a climactic moment was reached.
"Give up the Kitsune, she-wolf!" the Not Good with the stripey tail commanded.
"You want him, come and DCC him!" Raven challenged them. And when they began to cross the datastream, she called forth an ancient power rarely seen on the TSA, let alone the internet. And then, the stream ran forth wildly, and Not Good were washed away by Good Taste. And then, with the Not Good destroyed, Kitsune's head began to nod sadly. Raven turned in horror. "Kitsune, not now! We still have two-thirds of the story to go! Don't give into fear! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side! Ooops, wrong franchise."
Kitsune could not hear any of this, for he had pinged out. But when he'd finally recovered from his lag, he asked, "Where am I?"
"You are in the Matrix of Mut," Jessie explained. "How can you sleep so late?"
Kitsune blinked, looked around, and saw Jessie the Androgynous there beside him. "Where have you been, Jessie?"
"Er, stuck between a rock and a hard place," Jessie demurred.
And then a dramatic flashback occurred. Kristy the TG was slapping around Jessie the Androgynous's muzzle. This got old after a while, and so Jessie glared up at Kristy, "There is only one Lord of the tail, Kristy, and she does not share the bed." He/She/Sie then flew the coop.
Kristy watched the Canadian Grey Kangaroo depart on the back of a feathered Do-sex-Machina. "So you have chosen, abstinence."
And then the flashback ended. Jessie continued, "You are lucky to be here too. A few more stories and you would have been beyond all good taste. But thank to the skill of Mut, you are starting to mend."
And there at Jessie's side stood one of the immoral canines. "Welcome to #mk_guild, Mr. Anderson."
"It's Baggins," Kitsune explained.
"Of course, Mr. Anderson," Mut said. "Do you want food? Drink? A red or blue pill?"
But it was then that JL dashed into the room and hugged Kitsune tight. "JL has hardly left your bed since he got here." Jessie pointed out.
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Kitsune said as they snuggled.
Jessie and Mut left the two of them together then and went off to discus the one tail. "Mr. Anderson, the enemy is logging in. Her minions are massing in #transformations. Her code is fixed on #mk_guild. And Mr. Anderson you say has betrayed us again. While not overly surprising, we cannot face both the power of Genie and #tsa_tech."
"There is one that could unite the list," Jessie pointed out.
But Mut shook his head, "He has turned from that path long; he has chosen to write Metamor Keep. This must be decided by all members of TFNet." Mut gestured to more of the New Zealand scenery where several group arrived, led by Greyflank of #Gender, Magolas of the immoral canines, and Phili son of Groin.
And so it was a short time later that all were gathered for the council of Mut. Mut set the topic of #mk_guild to "Who's going to go destroy this bloody tail?!"
"Strangers of distant channels, friends of old, and the rest of you lurkers. You have been invited here to answer the threat of #transformations. TFnet stands on the bring of destruction - as usual. None can escape it - also as usual. You will write, or you fall."
"Bring forth the tail, Mr. Anderson," Mut finished, gesturing to Kitsune. Kitsune strode forward and laid the one tail out for all to see.
Greyflank then rose and got up from his seat. "In a wet dream, I saw a fluffiness in the west. Zuul's arrogance had been found." And with that, Greyflank reached out for the tail to stroke it.
Jessie quickly stood up and shouted, "0N3 t@I| t0 rU|3 jU, 0N3 t@I| t0 fInD jU, 0N3 t@I| +0 bRiNg @|| Ya'||, @nD iN d@ ztRIp3z 0wNz jU!"
Mut glared at the Androgynous Canadian Grey Kangaroo. "Never do that again!"
But the leet did not completely silence Greyflank. "Why not use this tail? Use the tail against Genie. It simply begs to be stroked."
"You can't fluff it, none of us can," Lurker announced. "The one tail keys on Genie alone."
"And what would a mere Long Scout know about such things?"
"This is no mere Long Scout," Magolas the arctic fox declared. "This is Cokane, son of um... er somebody. Presumably his mother."
"This?" Greyflank said, astonished. "This is Zuul's heir?"
"And heir to the op of #Gender," Magolas revealed.
"Shut up, Magolas," Cokane advised. But it was enough, and finally they were all silent once more.
"You have only one choice," Mut then announced to those assembled. "The Blue pill."
The group elected to destroy the tail instead. And Phili son of Groin jumped up to do just that. "Then I shall do with my axe!" Phili declared, bringing the axe down firmly upon the tail. But the tail was unharmed. The axe went to pieces. "Fuck! Then with my machine gun!" But the bullets ricocheted harmlessly. "Fuck! Then with my tactical nuclear weapon!" "The tail cannot be destroyed, unlike #mk_guild, Mr. Anderson, by weapons that we here possess," Mut declared before Phili could use the nuke.
"Fuck!" Phili said as he sat back down.
"It must be taken deep into #transformations, and cast back into the fiery depths of Derksen Industries from whence it came! One of you must be stupid enough to do this. I sure as hell ain't."
It was Greyflank then who spoke. "One does not just log onto #transformations. Its black data ports are guarded by more than just its users. There is evil there that does not go AFK. The very air you breath is a poisonous fume. Kinda like the main room on the third day of a bash. The great bot, Genie, is ever watchful."
"We ain't afraid of no bot!" somebody shouted, and a giant flame war erupted, with Jessie in the thick of it.
And in the midst of it, Kitsune shouted to the rest. "I am dumb enough, I will take the tail to #transformations. Though I do not know the IP."
Jessie nodded gravely [and sadly], "I shall help you bear this burden, Kitsune Baggins, right up till my climactic death."
Cokane jumped from his seat and knelt before Kitsune. "You shall have my sword."
Magolas stepped to his side, "And my bows."
Phili son of Groin was not about to be left out when there was even the chance of violence. "You will have my axe... knives, sword, machine guns, automatic weapons, missile launchers, flack grenades, tactical nuclear weapons, and sharp, pointy sticks."
And then Greyflank joined their company. "I'll come along, so that I can try to steal the tail from you later."
Then JL sprang up and ran to Kitsune's side. "Sunie's not going anywhere without me. I'll handcuff myself to his tails if I have to."
"Hmmm!" Kitsune exclaimed.
And then, Tigner and Kodiak ran up to join them as well. "You need people with no intelligence for this sort of story... quicky... thing... mess," Tigner declared.
Mut stared at them and smiled. "Very well. You shall be the fellowship... of the tail. Are you sure you still don't want those blue pills?"
Then after the council was over, as expected, Posti makes a sudden reappearance. "My old sword Ping. Here, take it!" Posti handed it over to Kitsune.
"It's so light," Kitsune admired.
"Made from aluminum. Left over beer cans from the kegger we had here last time," Posti explained. "It glows blue when old, washed up writers are near. And that's when you have to be extra careful."
"So what you're saying is that it'll never stop glowing around these people?" Kitsune asked.
But Posti was already preparing his next gift. Posti gave Kitsune a mail shirt fashioned from indifference. "As light as a feather, and as hard as Bluenight's skull," Posti went on, happily describing it. "Let me see you put it on." But as Kitsune began to undo his clothes, the horse spotted the one tail, and desired it. "Oh my old tail, how I would love to stroke it once more."
Kitsune though didn't want anyone else, besides the wuff, stroking his tail, and so put his clothes back on. Being denied the one tail this final time, Posti became a frightful nag. But the moment was short lived, and soon they were off again, Posti left behind.
While dramatic music by Howard Shore played in the background, the Fellowship made its way through more New Zealand scenery. There sure is a lot of it. But as they reached the mountain, Phili son of Groin had to ask of Jessie, "Why are we going the long way around? We could go through #tsa_archives. My fanboys would give us a royal welcome."
"No, Phili, I will not take the road through #tsa_archives unless I have no other choice," Jessie the Androgynous made clear. So they continued on their way over the mountains.
Meanwhile, back in #tsa_tech, Kristy the TG was consulting one of her bright blue balls. "Genie, where is Jessie?"
"You are a duck!" the awesome voice of Genie replied.
"Fucking bot," Kristy complained. But then she saw clearly that the Fellowship was trying to cross the mountains. Ascending to the top of her tower, she sent a DOS attack against the mountains. "Zn0W, d@mN jU, Zn0W! I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!"
And upon those mountains, they were beset upon by quite a snowstorm. Magolas, walking upon the snow, declared, "There is a fowl voice upon the air."
"It's Kristy, she's trying to crash the server!" Jessie exclaimed, even as pieces of the mountain did just that.
"We have to take the archives," Kitsune said.
"Won't that be heavy?" Tigner asked.
But nevertheless, they returned to the base of the mountains, and there they found the ancient Dataport of Demonsyne. But there did not appear to be anyway to get inside. That is until Phili son of Groin said, "Hell with this, I'm finally using my weapons in one of these!" He then proceeded to fire his rocket launcher at the dataport, and it exploded inwards. "Okay, follow the white rabbit!"
Just as soon as they all made it inside, the entranceway collapsed at last, leaving them trapped inside #tsa_archives.
"Be on your guard," Jessie warned them. "There are older and fouler things than fanfics in the deep places of the archives. Eye of Argon for instance."
They then went through some dark New Zealand scenery, until finally they reached the top of a stair at which stood several passages, and Jessie realized that he no longer knew the way. He'd never flamed any of them before. While they waited for the Canadian Grey Kangaroo to get a clue, Kitsune noticed something creeping behind him. Beyond JL he also noticed something in the far shadows that moved.
"There's something in the dark," he whispered to Jessie the Androgynous.
"That's Mattrat," Jessie said thoughtfully. "He's been following us for the last three pages."
"How did he make it through the cave-in?" Kitsune asked.
"Through a plot hole," Jessie replied. "He's good at finding those. And he is drawn to the power of the one tail. He hates and loves the tail, as he hates and loves MK."
"How can you hate MK?" Kitsune asked in confusion.
"Easily!" JL exclaimed, though no one listened to the wuff.
"It's a pity that Posti didn't kill him when he had the chance," Kitsune muttered, idly stroking the tail.
"It was pity that stayed Posti's hooves. Many that write deserve death. Many that write deserve money. Can you give it to them?" Jessie asked sagely, for rosemary and thyme still could not be found. "The pity of Posti may rule the fate of men."
"Well, we're screwed," Kitsune said morosely.
"Ah, it's this way!" Jessie suddenly exclaimed.
"He's remembered!" Kodiak jumped up in delight. "No," Jessie admitted, "but the stories aren't quite as contrived down here."
They quickly made their way down the passage, and then Phili made a grisly discovery. And it wasn't Kodiak this time. He ran for an open door through which light poured, and there before them all was a tomb. Raiding the tomb they discovered to their horror that it belonged to none other than Thomas himself.
While Phili and the others mourned before the tomb, Jessie found a channel log and began to read. "We cannot get out. The shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming to take me away, haha, they are coming to take me away hoho, hehe, haha..."
And then Tigner accidentally pinged the whole of the TSA archives. "You tool of a fook!" Jessie exclaimed in anger. But that anger turned to horror as the ping came back.
Once the voices became loud enough, Greyflank ran to the doorway, before an arrow nearly smote him prematurely. Turning back, he said, "They have a JoVix." And then with Cokane's help, he barred the door and stood ready for the fight. Kitsune's sword Ping was glowing especially blue.
Hordes of screaming hacks burned their way through the doors and beset upon them. Flames ranged about, and mayhem ensued, until at last, the JoVix arrived, a chain about her neck, bearing a giant frying pan. But the vix did not appreciate having anyone yank her chain and quickly dispatched the dumb hacks who were holding her back from her greatness.
It was of course, Magolas that she first set her eyes upon. Though he eluded every swipe of her chain, Jovix continued to try to ensnare the bowfox. But Magolas gave her a boot to the head, shot an arrow into her, and leaped off.
Kitsune tried to do the same thing, but JoVix did not appreciate it and ran him through. Then Tigner and Kodiak did as well, stabbing her repeatedly. All these people jumping on her head was just too much for her. But the last came when Magolas sent an arrow through her neck. And with that, at last, JoVix had a kernel panic, and was no more.
JL was quick to run to Kitsune's side, paws all over him, but the listie got up again and said, "I'm not hurt."
Cokane was incredulous. "That frying pan would have crushed Bluenight's skull!"
"I think there's more to this kitsune than meets the eye," Jessie observed.
"But he doesn't look like a transformer," Tigner objected.
Lord of the Frink: The Fellowship of the Tail
Before anyone could slap him, they heard more hacks logging in. Jessie realized that they were greatly outnumbered and that they should get the hell out of there. "To the bridge of My-Own-Doom!" They ran from the tomb but were quickly surrounded by the evil hacks which seemed to be everywhere nowadays. But before the hacks could attack with their foul stories, a terrible noise echoed throughout the archives. The hacks, frightened by one even more foul than they, logged off.
"What new devilry is this?" Greyflank asked.
"It's a demon of the ancient list. Mike," Jessie said.
"From Canmore?" JL asked.
The Androgynous Canadian Grey Kangaroo paused for a moment and then said, "No. Allegretto. This foe is so far beyond any of you. Run!"
They all ran as fast as they could through more subterranean New Zealand scenery. But the stairs were out. Magolas leapt over the small gap, and Jessie was quick to follow. Greyflank took Kodiak, Tigner, and most of the stairs with him as he jumped over to the other side. Cokane gave JL a good toss, then turned to Phili. "Nobody tosses a rabbit," Phili told him, before jumping himself.
Magolas grabbed Phili by the ears to hoist him up, at which Phili son of Groin exclaimed, "Not the ears!"
But then even more steps crumbled, further dividing the listies. Thankfully, the stairs felt a little divided themselves and began to wobble. Cokane then instructed Kitsune, "Lean forward... lean back.... do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about. And oh jump. That might help"
And it did. With all nine now on the right side, they ran the rest of the way to the bridge of My-Own-Doom. And then, just as they reached it, a horrible sight emerged, towering and drawn with evil -- Mike Allegretto. Even Jessie could not believe the flames that emanated from this one.
Even so, they all crossed the bridge but Jessie, who stood at its middle and stared down the creature of foul darkness. "You shall not spam!" Jessie denounced in angry tones. But as usual, Mike ignored him/her/hir. "I am a master of the Public Flame, wielder of the flame of Anon. The dark spam will not avail you, even the regular spam. Flame of your doom!"
Mike begged to differ, but he was never very good at begging. Jessie continued to glare and commanded. "Unsubscribe from the list!" Mike once more attacked, stepping out onto the bridge. Jessie struck the bridge with all of his/her/hir might. "YOU SHALL NOT SPAM!!" Yet one more time did Mike ignore the Androgynous Canadian Grey Kangaroo, and stepped out again, but the bridge collapsed beneath the weight of his spam. Unfortunately, Jessie was caught by the last of Mike Allegretto's flames, and was himself/herself/hirself pulled off the bridge.
There just seemed something ironic about Jessie being taken down by a flame. The other eight continued to flee, right into the surface New Zealand scenery. There was not much rejoicing. Awwwwwww!
But with Cokane now leading them, they continued on their journey towards the really, really tall trees of New Zealand. It was the mysterious land of #tf_chat, home to the immorals cervines.
"Stay close young listies," Phili son of Groin cautioned. "They say a deer witch of great talent lives here. All who read her stories fall under her spell. Well, this is one rabbit she will not snare so easily. I have the eyes of a rabbit and the ears of a -- well -- a rabbit."
"And the brains of one too," a voice called out from the trees. And they saw many sharp objects pointed in their direction. "The rabbit reloads so loudly we could have fricasseed him in the dark."
The Fellowship was then brought to Endor, but Lucas was not amused, and so they went back to New Zealand. High up in the trees they were confronted by a pair of deer dressed in long flowing robes.
"Eight there are here, yet Nine there were who logged off from #mk_guild," JonBuck said. "Tell me where is Jessie, for he... er she... er sie.... owes me much money."
JeanDoe replied, "Jessie did not pass the borders of this network. He/She/Sie has fallen into lag." Her eyes then fell upon Kitsune, and she said, "You bring great evil with you."
"What was I supposed to do?" Kitsune asked. "Check it at the door? Did I miss the sign that said 'Coats, hats, great evil'?"
"Yes, actually, you did," JeanDoe pointed. "Now go back and hang it next to Cthulhu in the front hall!"
Nevertheless, they were allowed to stay the night. An aetherial music drifted down to them where they lay, and underneath his breath Magolas sang along, "I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear. You can raise welts, like nobody else, as we dance to the Masochism Tango."
"What is that?" Kodiak asked.
"A lament for Jessie," Magolas replied.
"I'm sure the Androgynous one would approve," muttered Phili as he rolled over and went to sleep.
Shortly thereafter they all went to sleep, although JeanDoe was not through being spooky yet. Kitsune had not been able to get some sleep, even after the marathon yiff session he'd had with JL. But when JeanDoe herself crept past looking all mysterious and stuff, he felt oddly lured, and followed her down to a birdbath.
JeanDoe then asked, "Will you look into the mirror?"
"What mirror? All I see is a bird bath," Kitsune objected.
"Will you just look in the damn thing."
"What will I see?"
"That you need a shave," JeanDoe groused. "Now hurry up and look. We need to get the plot moving again."
Kitsune looked into the mirror and saw the falls of Enron and Worldcom. And there was much rejoicing. And then he saw Derksen Industries taking over the world! And then, after that nightmarish visage was past, he saw words grow upon the water's surface, "Insert 1 tail for three more visions."
"I know what it is your saw," JeanDoe announced in a creepy voice. "I read your logs. It is what will come to pass should you fuck up."
Kitsune, a tired expression on his muzzle, sighed and held out the tail. "That's it, I'm sick of this thing. You want it, take it."
JeanDoe approached, hooves outstretched. "You offer it to me freely." And then the cervine got to be funky. "In place of a dark bot you would have a deer! Not dark but milk chocolate with a caramel centre! Treacherous as WoC. Stronger than the founders of the TSA. All shall read me and despair."
But then JeanDoe became once more mundane. "I passed the test. I got a D- but I passed!" JeanDoe said, obviously drained. "I shall diminish, and go to Boston and be a librarian."
"But I cannot do this alone," Kitsune said morosely.
"You are a tailbearer, Kitsune. To bear a tail of power, sucks." JeanDoe stepped closer. "This task was forced upon you. If you don't find a way, we're all screwed."
"Then I know what I must do. Well, actually no I don't, but I'll make it up as I go."
JeanDoe smiled. "Even the greatest writer can destroy a story universe. After all, one of mine is trying to kill you." And to that, all Kitsune could do was nod sadly.
Meanwhile, back in #tsa_tech, Kristy the TG was accosting one of her newest creations. "Do you know how #transformations first came to be? They were #tsa_list-ers, once. Taken by the dark bot, forced to read character intro stories over, and over, and over again. A ruined and terrible form of author. And now... perfected... my writing Uruk-hai. Whom do you serve?"
"MacDonalds. Do you want fries with that?"
"Evil enough," Kristy nodded in approval.
A few moments later and her army was assembled before her, armed and ready to die. "Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You will know pain, you will know fear, and then you will die. Have a pleasant trip." She then turned to one of the chiefs of the Uruk-hai, Xodiac. "One of the tsa_listies has something I want to fondle. Bring them back mostly alive with tails intact. Read to the others!"
The Fellowship took to the river then as they left the hallowed trees of #tf_chat. Kitsune could only remember the last words he had heard from JeanDoe. "Take this flashlight, it is something I found in the glove compartment. May it be a light for you until the battery dies." Such profound words he thought, as he watched all the lovely aqueous New Zealand scenery go by.
Finally, after a long journey, Cokane tapped Kitsune on the shoulder and whispered, "Kitsune look, the Hugo Winners." And before them along the river mighty statues stood with their paws out-thrust, and good books at their chest. A rare thing these days.
Beyond the Hugo Winners was a vast lake that fed into the Faults of Spells-R-Us. They landed on the western shore to make it easier for the Uruk-Hai to catch them.
"We'll cross the lake at nightfall, that way we won't be able to see anything," Cokane announced. "I suggest you get some sleep, and reload your weapons."
"Reload my weapons!" Phili son of Groin complained most disgruntedly, for Phili was a rabbit and rabbits do not grunt.
"Where's Kitsune?" Kodiak asked then as he looked around.
Kitsune though was foolishly walking through the woods by himself, so that he could completely destroy the Fellowship. Also, it'd make it easier for Greyflank to come and try and snatch the tail from him. And that was just the person who came to see him.
"I'm glad you're wandering alone," Greyflank said. "So much depends on you. I know why you seek solitude. JL just won't leave your rump alone. You suffer day by day. Perhaps if you had fewer tails..."
"I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom, except that it's obviously full of shit!" Kitsune barked back.
"I ask only for the strength to improve my stories!" Greyflank said, tossing around the wood. "If you would but lend me the tail."
"Even with a huge interest rate?"
"You use to work for Enron didn't you?" Kitsune asked, backing away.
"Worldcom actually. Give me the tail!" And Greyflank then jumped on Kitsune, trying to grab the tail away from him. But he missed the stripey one and Kitsune moaned. But then, Kitsune managed to slip the one tail on, and he vanished from site.
For Kitsune the world got to be funky. He ran and ran up the hill to a strange observation tower in the New Zealand scenery. There to his fright he saw the hideous Genie wreathed in uncommented code! "D00d, I 0wNz jU. I wI|| ru|3 @||! jU @r3 @ duC|<"
Kitsune became so frightened that he stumbled and fell off the observation tower right on his rump. The tail came off then, and the world was once again no longer funky. Even as he tried to clear his head, he turned and saw Cokane standing near. "Kitsune?" But he could say no more, because shortly behind him was a huge legion of writing Uruk-hai, shouting out vile story ideas as they marched.
As Cokane began to hack them to pieces, as such hacks they were, Kitsune ran back down the hillside, nearly running into Kodiak and Tigner in the process. "Quick, hide here!" Tigner suggested. "It's right out in the open so we're sure to be spotted!"
But Kitsune demurred the offer and kept on running. It was not long before the Uruk-hai spotted the two listies standing there, and started to chase them.
"It's working!" Tigner shouted.
"I know it's working! That's the problem!" Kodiak shouted back, running too.
Meanwhile, Magolas and Phili managed to reach Cokane, and the three of them were kicking much tail. "Hah, I get to use my weapons a second time!" Phili declared as he fired off a few rounds from his Uzis.
Now another trio was not doing nearly as hot, that of Tigner, Kodiak, and Greyflank. While Greyflank was killing a lot of Uruk-hai, it was then that the dread Xodiac marched upon the field.
Xodiac and Greyflank traded a few blows, and then, Xodiac lopped off Greyflank's left arm. "There I've won."
"'Tis but a scratch" "What are you talking about, your arm's off."
"No it isn't."
"What do you call that then?"
Greyflank looked at his lost arm. "I've had worse. Come on ya pansy!"
And Xodiac did, chopping Greyflank's other arm off. "Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"
"Just a flesh wound."
Irritated at the persistence of Greyflank, Xodiac then lopped off both of his legs.
"Come here, I'll bite your ankles off!" Greylfank declared.
And just before Xodiac lopped off Greyflank's head so his ankles wouldn't get bitten, Cokane burst upon the scene, and with one swift cut, cleaved off Xodiac's head, which nodded off sadly. It was more of flying off sadly, than a nodding, but one must pay attention to tradition.
Meanwhile, Kitsune was standing at the shore, stroking the one tail, ruminating and waiting for the Uruk-hai to come kill him. "Damn, I wish I had taken the Blue pill. Well," he said after a moment, "guess they're not coming. Might as well go to #transformations."
Kitsune climbed into a boat, and began to dogpaddle towards the other side. Before he was able to get very far, JL, who had been mysteriously absent until this moment, ran up. "Kitsune, don't leave me!"
"Well get your ass over here. Oh, and the rest of you too!" Kitsune shouted back.
JL swam up to the boat, because unlike hobbits, wolves can swim. And after Kitsune pulled him in, the boat really started rocking.
Not too long after those two made it to the other side, Cokane, Magolas, and Phili dumped what was left of Greyflank into the boat. "I'm not dead yet!" Greyflank shouted.
"You will be in a moment," Cokane assured him, kicking the boat towards the roaring Faults of Spells-R-Us.
"I'm feeling better!" Greyflank shouted as the boat was caught up in the current.
"You'll be stone dead in a moment," Cokane shouted from shore.
"I feel happy...." Greyflank shouted as the boat went over the Faults and then smashed itself into itty bitty pieces.
"Well, now that we've abandoned Greyflank, Kitsune and JL we will go after Tigner and Kodiak, the least important members of the Fellowship," Cokane said. "We will not abandon Kodiak and Tigner to torment and death and NMF stories. We will get them killed with the rest of us."
Cokane then smiled wickedly, "Let's hunt some #transformationers!"
Elsewhere, overlooking the industrial section of New Zealand, Kitsune asked JL, "So now what do we do?"
"Alone, here on a mountaintop. You have to ask?" JL responded.
"Well," Kitsune mused, "at least we'll have to wait a year to find out what happens next!"
THE END [Thank $deity]
Frodo -- Kitsune
Sam -- JLehrer
Gandalf -- Jessie
Gollum -- Matt
Aaragon -- Chris O'Kane (Cokane)
Galadriel -- JeanDoe
Celeborn -- JonBuck
Boromir -- Greyflank
Gimli -- Phil (Phili)
Pippin -- Tigner
Merry -- Kodiak
Legolas -- Mag (Magolas)
Saruman -- Kristy
Elrond -- Mut
Bilbo -- Posti
Sauron -- Genie
Arwen -- Raven
Cave troll -- JoVix
Uruk-hai/Orcs -- People on #transformations (Xodiac is the one who shoots Greyflank)
The Nazgul -- Dead story universes.
1) No More Fakes (wearing a super hero costume)
3) SRU (wears a bathrobe, not a cloak)
4) WoC (In a twist of fate, has no extra powers whatsoever)
5) Passing Fad (has a horse tail)
6) Human Extinction Agency (A bit vaporous)
7) Frinkenstien (has long, stripey tail)
8) Here and There (Smells a bit fishy)
9) The Perpetual
Balrog -- Mike Allegretto
Isildur -- Zuul or Tracy Anne
Tom Bombadil -- Oren (as he doesn't appear in the movie) Innkeeper of The Minty Pony in #Febreeze
-- Flinters Balin/The dead King from the mines
The Ring -- Lemur Tail sliced from the ass of Genie.
The List of Those Who Shall Be Blamed:
Charles "MattRat" Matthias -- Typist and owner of the DVD and book which spawned this
Jason Lehrer -- Leetspeak translator and 4-star general miscreant
Chris "Deraned Kitsune" Hoekstra --whose laptop was what perpetrated yet another of these atrocities.
Peter Jackson -- for making a movie that was just too good; Meet the
Feebles. Oh, and Lord of the Rings.
JRR Tolkien -- who is currently undergoing subterrain rotational friction
Sue -- Blame Sue, she made the costumes.
Crystal -- who will be appearing as a Warg in Lord of the Frink: The
Sealab 2021 - Episode 2 "Happycake" -- because it Got to be Funky!
Last Updated: Mon Jul 25 2005 08:01:11