A Handyman's Lament

Steven Bergom

John Bender was a handyman who one day found himself to be working at a local lab performing some finishing construction work. Though tired from the many hours that he put in, he none-the-less stayed late one night to add some finishing touches. As he was adding the last nail, there came a loud explosion. When the dust cleared, it was found that John Bender had been turned into a 2 foot piece of dimensional lumber.

The scientists were flabbergasted at this turn of events and spent late nights studying John to see how the accident happened and how they could reverse the damage. They even worked out a rudimentary form of communication with him based loosely on morse code so that they could better see to his needs.

Two weeks after the accident, John's good friend Fred came to visit to see how things were going with his old buddy. Through a series of taps, Fred found that, though he was in no pain and being a two-by-four had its perks, there wasn't much to do.

Fred rolled his eyes in exasperation. "John," he said, "for weeks you've been complaining about all the work you've been doing, staying late, working on weekends and what not. How you've wished for a vacation and some time to sleep. And now, now that you have a little time off," he paused for a breath, "you're complaining about being a little board!"