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The Mundementia One FAQ
 
by J.(Channing)Wells

 

Salutations.

J.(Channing)Wells, here.

In light of the recent conversational threads dealing with the subject of works-in-progress, I came to the realization that a Frequently-Asked Questions file would be a good thing to have on hand for those of you curious as to what Mundementia One really is like, deep down, once you look past all the embarrassing social gaffes and the ADHD and that little problem that it has with the alcohol abuse, to, you know, help you to learn about the real, honest, vibrant story that lies at the heart of the complicated bit of literature that I call "Mundementia One."

Here then, without further ado, is the Mundementia One FAQ.

* * *

  1. Do you have any figs?
  2. Er, no. Not on me right now. Thanks for your question. Next, please?

* * *

  1. Are you sure?
  2. Yes. Good day.

* * *

  1. Oh? Y'see, I had been told that you had figs for sale -- is it possible that my friend directed me to the wrong place, here?
  2. I think that's entirely possible. Where are you supposed to be, right now?

* * *

  1. That was a question, wasn't it? Aren't you supposed to restrict yourself to _answers_ here?
  2. That's... right, I suppose. Sorry 'bout that.

* * *

  1. I guess that'll do. Can I ask you to refrain from that sort of behavior in the future, though?
  2. I'll... er. I'll do my best.

* * *

  1. Very Well.
  2. I'm curious as to whether or not you have a question or not right now.

* * *

  1. Do you have any figs?
  2. No. I don't know who your friend was, but whoever he or she was, she has obviously directed you to this FAQ under the mistaken assumption that this is in fact some form of on-line fruit market. It is, in fact, the Mundementia One FAQ. And we have no, I repeat, _no_ figs here.

* * *

  1. You're absolutely sure you have no figs?
  2. Smacking positive, my good man.

* * *

  1. Aha. Could you, ah, check in the back cooler? The only reason I ask is that my sister is back home trying to make a fig pudding, and we've run fresh out of figs, and--
  2. Look, who _are_ you anyway? This isn't a conversational mockup; heck, it isn't really a public forum in the first place, and it _certainly_ isn't a fruit store. Shouldn't a couple different people be asking the questions here?

* * *

  1. I don't know... every time that _I_ read an FAQ, I don't internally conceptualize it as a series of individual questioners each folding up the deep probing questions of their hearts and letting them fly like paper airplanes towards the near-mythic deity figure who hides behind the A: prompt. Rather, I tend to see it in a very narrative form, with a single pilgrimlike Seeker, a Puritainish Everyman, engaged in a sort of Socratic dialogue from which he will eventually emerge with a certain degree of enlightenment. Am I making myself clear here?
  2. I... yeah. Yeah, that's right, I guess. That was really quite beautiful, you know?

* * *

  1. You liked it?
  2. I did. I'm sorry for being so brusque earlier. Continue.

* * *

  1. Do you have any figs?
  2. Look, you.

* * *

  1. What?
  2. You know very well, "what." We're getting nowhere, here. I'm set up to answer questions about Mundementia One, and I'd jolly well like the chance to do so.

* * *

  1. Are there any figs in Mundementia One?
  2. Good question. No, there are not. In Book Two, Part Two, Our Principal Protagonist, Charles Madison Glass, is seen eating from a plate of Fruit Cookies which might or might not include a Certain Highly Available Commercial Brand of fruit cookie featuring Figs as a major ingredient, but as far as being mentioned directly in the text, no.

* * *

  1. How about the letters "f-i-g" in any order? For example, are any of the characters seen to say a phrase containing the words, "If I get..." (something something something)?
  2. Um. Just a second. Let me get out my copy of the text and run a search engine through it. I'll be right back.

* * *

  1. While you're back there, could you maybe see if you have any figs?
  2. HEY! You were just trying to trick me into going to look for figs! You aren't _Really_ interested in patterns of letter distribution at all!

* * *

  1. It's an intriguing question, though, don't you think?
  2. _A FIG PUDDING?_

* * *

  1. Pardon?
  2. A fig pudding. You said your sister is trying to make a 'fig pudding'. Question eight.

* * *

  1. Yes...
  2. What the _Hell_ is a fig pudding?

* * *

  1. A pudding made, in part, of figs. Like in that Christmas carol, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." It's a traditional dish in our family, you know?
  2. Isn't that a "Figgy" pudding?

* * *

  1. Same thing, really. Why do you ask?
  2. I'm just trying to figure you out.

* * *

  1. Hey! Did you notice that you just said "fig"?
  2. Only as part and parcel of the word "figure."

* * *

  1. Still, you must not be _entirely_ adverse to the whole concept of figs, despite your angry denials of my more-than-reasonable requests. Don't you think that--
  2. _Angry Denials_? Look, you weird little bastard, this is a STORY UNIVERSE FAQ! _NOT_ a fruit market! It is not a fruit stand, nor a fruit boutique, nor a fruit emporium! It is not a fruit department in a large grocery mega-mart, nor is it a convenience store which makes a practice of selling cans of fruit! The entirety of Mundementia One is, in fact, relatively sparsely populated with references to fruit at all!

* * *

  1. Could you summarize that for me?
  2. In short, if you're looking for fruit, you had best find another FAQ to submit questions to!

* * *

  1. So... what you're saying is... you don't have any figs?
  2. YES! _EXACTLY!_

* * *

  1. *pause*
  2. *waits, tensely, smoking cigarette*

* * *

  1. You're sure?
  2. AAAAARGLCHGK!

* * *

  1. You all right, there?
  2. NO! NO! I AM _NOT_, in fact, "ALL RIGHT"!
* * *
  1. How come?
  2. YOU! YOU COME IN HERE, with your STUPID GODDAMNED _FIG_ OBSESSION, and you KEEP ON ASKING ME ABOUT THEM! HAVEN'T I MADE IT _ABUNDANTLY_ CLEAR that THIS IS _NOT_, _NOT_, _*NOT*_! NOT! an FAQ HAVING TO DO WITH _FIGS!!!_

* * *

  1. See, that's another question you just asked there. Didn't I tell you to stop that?
  2. *cries*

* * *

  1. *pause*
  2. *continues crying*

* * *

  1. Can I ask what's wrong?
  2. ...you're ruining _everything..._

* * *

  1. Now, now. What kind of attitude is that? I think this is a perfectly _fine_ FAQ. Recall that you just decided to sort of do this thing off-the-cuff. I mean, no one's officially really _asked_ you very many questions about this universe in the first place. This whole "Frequently Asked Questions" thing is really a sham, isn't it?
  2. ...yes...

* * *

  1. What this _really_ is is a stupid excuse to remind people about the new location of your website and to write several thousand K of goofy drivel, isn't it?
  2. It's true! I admit it! *sobs*

* * *

  1. *understanding silence*
  2. But... how come you just said this was a "perfectly fine FAQ", then?

* * *

  1. Well, me asking you about figs has gotta be just about _the_ single most frequently asked question anyone's ever delivered to you about your story universe, right?
  2. Riiight...

* * *

  1. So, is this helping you to feel better?
  2. I guess. Hey, thanks. You're really not all that weird of a guy after all, you know?

* * *

  1. Thanks.
  2. Hey, no problem.

* * *

  1. (a) So...
  2. Yes?

* * *

  1. Do you have any figs?
  2. *wild screaming noises, followed by several gunshots*

* * *

  1. OKAY! SHEESH! *sound of departing footsteps*
  2. *silence, exhausted breathing*

* * *

  1. *silence*
  2. *silence*

* * *

  1. *silence*
  2. So. Any more, ah, questions?

* * *

  1. Frink?
  2. *no response*

* * *

  1. Frink?
  2. Whee... oo?

* * *

Mundementia One. http://transform.to/~channing/
Taste it again... for the first time.

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