Home Supermare!
Dragon Warrior X #3
by Draven Darklight

I looked down at my returned breasts.  I could almost swear they get slightly larger each time.  Oh god I hope that isn't true.  It was mashed potatoes this time.  A whole bin of them landed on me when the fireball blew off the wall of the cafeteria and took the one end of the buffet with it. Why the hell does a high school cafeteria have a buffet line anyway?   They sure never had them when I was in high school.  Dream had appeared out of nowhere as I have noticed he is wont to do, and was hovering off to the right.

"So do you still like the convenience of being a superhero?" he asked.

"Hey I said I liked the convenience, not that it didn't come with certain responsibilities as well.  The moment the Silver Vixen left I got a call from Bayview High school asking if I could teach some programming classes there, and then the real estate people said a house in my price range had just opened up two blocks from the school right after I accepted the job.  I knew there had to be a catch, I just believe you should try to enjoy life while you can."

"Yes, especially since there are several more high schools in the city, but you get assigned to the oldest of them, which just so happens to be the one Ms. McGreggor is attending, and you've seen her several times today despite being in none of your classes."

"Would you two shut up." A young sounding voice that cracked halfway through said.

I turned to see Ornery Oven and then fell back a step when I saw the figure next to him.  A vaguely humanlike form made completely of pizza in white cardboard armor.  The armor seemed to be made of old pizza boxes and had a cartoon face of some guy with a huge black mustache and wearing a chef's hat on the breastplate.  The thing itself seemed to melting and had no definite nose or mouth, and two pizza cutter blades for eyes.  I had the feeling the cracking voice belonged to the pizza thing and decided it must be a he.

"We know who you are ya know." Said the piazza thing.

Then a metallic voice doing it's best impression of Yosemite Sam chimed in

"You may not be exactly who we're looking for, but Ryu will sure as shooting show up to rescue his pretty little sister."

"I am Petulant Pizzaboy, and you've already met Ornery Oven."

I regain my composure then say "Not you group of losers again.  This time only two of you came, that's pathetic.  You guys aren't even real."

Pizzaboy interrupts and says "We're not losers.  We're just kind of weird that's all.  Just because we don't match your definition of cool, doesn't mean we're not.  I mean yea I am a tad obsessive about star wars, but then again who isn't?" He then makes some vaguely threatening noise that sounds a lot like some sort of bubbling liquid before continuing. "Your type makes me so mad.  Passing judgment on someone just because they don't fit your narrow little view of cool.  I'll kill you."

The oven began "Now hang on one moment partner, she's just an innocent bystander, we want Ryu."

I said "Listen, just calm down now Pizza Partner I."

Pizzaboy then yelled. "Pizzaboy?" and said "I am not Pizzaboy, I am Petulant Pizzaboy, Pizzaboy is the sidekick of Captain Spaghetti.  That's it, this time I mean it.  You're gonna die."

He then screamed and ran towards me one of his hands forming into a mallet. I sidestepped and he went sliding past me on the slick floor right into a wall on the other side of the room.  I thought it looked mighty painful, but he stood up like nothing had happened. 

Dream was floating above the doorway into the kitchen projecting orange words in midair that said "go in here when I create a distraction" and obviously wanted me to change and defeat the villains.  He forgot to mention the hologram thing, because he can only project things in orange and didn't think it that useful.   I turned around to see the oven coming  for me and ran to hide behind a table.  A few seconds later the table was a pile of ash.   I noticed Dream had made it to the far side of the room was looking my way.

"I got you know lil lady.  How you like my down home cooking" said Oven

Suddenly from across the room came Dream speaking very loud.  "There is no spoon.  These are not the droids you're looking for.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." A loud beep followed, then.  "  This is only a test, if this had been a an actual emergency the beep you just heard would have been news, and if superhero related the location of the nearest origin shelter.  I am a distraction."

It wasn't till the last bit I remembered I had something to do and ran for the door.  O the other side I raised my hand and felt compelled to say some magic phrase.  "By the power of the Aztecs I call forth the instruments of the gods."  The second I said it I knew it was going to be bad.  The first thing as always was all my clothes vanished.  Then my body was covered in a soft red light.  As my body reformed into a more draconic one clothes began to appear.  The first was an armored golden skirt that was covered in jewels.   The second piece was a golden breastplate followed closely by a poncho that matched the skirt.  Then I realized that that I was male again, but quickly realized I was still wearing a skirt.  An ornate golden headdress appeared on my head, but I though it looked more Incan that Aztec with that half circle sun bit.  Then again what do I know.  Finally an item began to appear in each hand and while I first thought swords, it quickly became apparent they were a pair of ornate Maracas.

I had real doubts about what if anything I could do, but ran out of the door and jumped on top of one of the tables just the same.   Dream had stopped blabbing and was now running from Oven and Pizzaboy.  Oven was trying to blast him with fireballs while Pizzaboy was stretching out one arm, then the other in an attempt to catch him.  When they saw me they both stopped and turned toward me.  Then both looked away and rubbed their eyes, temporarily blinded by the shine of my costume no doubt.  Then both looked at me again, but less directly this time, then laughed.

"Maracas?"  Said Piazzaboy "What kind of lame hero uses maracas as a weapon?"

"The shine on your costume is real impressive like, but it won't do you no good against my flames." Said oven."

Then I was compelled to say my speech "By the power granted to me by the Aztecs I shall stop thee nair-do-ells.  I am Dragon Warrior X and with the power of my Mystic Maracas I shall defeat you.  Now lets dance me amigos."

I groaned inwardly at that bit of stupidity.   I then started to shake the maracas and other instruments started to join in with them.  Where the other instruments came from I had no idea, but oven and Pizzaboy started to close in.  Then without warning they started to dance.  Dream had appeared at my side once again, now wearing a golden sombrero with little ear holes.

"What in the who haw hell is going on?" said oven

"Why the hell am I dancing to fudging Mariachi music?"

"So Dream, you get new clothes when I transform as well." I said

"Apparently.  I suppose you are wondering how long you can hold them in place dancing.  Several hours actually, and if you increase the tempo they will dance faster." Dream said

"And I can defeat criminals with this in what way exactly?"

"Tire them out of course, but in this case neither will tire do to their inanimate natures."

"I'll get you, you super hero varmint.   I won't let you stop us from killing off that freak Ryu." Said Oven

Pizzaboy just made gurgling growl noises.

"Any other abilities perchance?" I said

"Only the hidden ability of the Maracas, hold them above your head and go from there.  And do it quickly too, once the music stops they can move again."

I did what dream said and held the Maracas above my head.  Then I uttered "Hidden Maraca Blade" and was rewarded with a flaming blade shoot out of each Maraca.  I then quickly lowered both and cut off Pizzaboy's hand as he reached for me.  I then jumped off the table just as Oven blasted it. Pizzaboy came at me again this time one fist turned into a huge mace.  I cut that off two, and his next attack, and the next, and the one after that. Then I yelled "Flaming Maraca Cross" and ran forward with fiery blades crossed.  Right before reaching him I swung the swords outward and breathed fire directly where I had struck.  Pizzzaboy went up like a roman candle and crumpled into a pile of burnt pizza and ashen cardboard.  The Oven then hit me with a huge fireball that sent me flying across the room.  I was surprised because other than being flung across the room I wasn't hurt.

"So you are fire proofed critter.   Doesn't matter I can still rip you up good for what you did to Piazzaboy.   I'll bet you aint so tough if yer fire can't affect someone.  And I sure as shooing like fire." Said Oven.

"Dream, any ideas."

"Yes, that you run and hide.  He makes a good point, and his robotic body is considerably stronger than your own.  One of you other forms might wok better, but standard anime logic states any time you gain a new ability you must secure a victory with it before anything else."

"That's some mighty helpful information little varmint, thanks a bunch."


"Sorry Ryu, I forgot the sensitivity of his instruments."

The sudden beeping from Oven surprised all three of us.  He just sat there for a second the said "Dang it."  He then ran out the hole in the wall and turned back toward me.  "I gots to go talk to somebody, but this aint over Dragon Warrior X." said Oven.  Then he blasted off into the stratosphere with a trail of flame coming out of his feet.  Gena obviously hearing about the commotion, or seeing the oven blast off, ran to the hole in the cafeteria wall with great eagerness.  I figure she thought this would be her chance to fight a villain without the Silver Vixen.  When she saw me standing there she looked very disappointed.  She then walked off without saying a word as some black horse caught up to her.  Some thing about the way he walked, or looked, or maybe breathed seemed wrong.

"Man that horse guy is creepy.  It is a guy right Dream."

"Yes, his name is Epeius and has the same cover story as Ms. Mayr.  But other than black being traditionally creepy I don't see what you mean."

"I guess, but still.  He's just wrong somehow, and it's creepy."

"It's probably that he has a mild mad scientist streak is all, the way he reacted to those chemicals earlier suggests that.   I still say we should mention that transgression to Ms. Vex."

"Why were you spying on her again?" I ask as I will to change back to normal

"I was going to listen to the speech by the son of Kobra King on the coil gene, but passed by Ms.  McGreggor's class as the young man was being introduced.  I then watched the whole incident pass by.   Personally the coil gene seemed to have very little if any information not in the boB's Complete Superpowered Handbook files.  It was rather pathetic in a way."

"The Complete Villain files from boB's.   How the heck did you get that?"

"Oh, well boB's is just as happy to have new supervillans as Bob's is, and you created a team of twelve, plus seven others that went solo.  Of course the files are prohibitively expensive, but most villains just download illicit copies from one of their allies.   So because no one ever buys them they give them to any hero that happens to create a large number of villains."

"Really.  I didn't think villains were nice."

"They're not, but they can be grateful sometimes.  Besides if a villain loses they often go to boB's for some new item to help them defeat the hero so it's good for business to support heroes a little."

"I guess so."

"Ah yes, before I forget Bob's  sent a glowing letter in regards to the creation of forty six confirmed heroes.  They also sent a gender switch activation ring and a $5000 store credit."

"Wow that's awful nice of them."

I will myself back to normal and am glad when the maracas and shinny clothes vanish.  I then saw it sitting on one of the tables just like I thought.  The reason I had come into the empty lunchroom in the first place. My favorite pen was just sitting there, untouched.  That was a lot to go through for a frelling pen.  I pick up the pen and walk out of the cafeteria via the hole.   I better get going my next class should start soon.


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Copyright 2002-2005 Michael Bard.  Please send any comments to him at mwbard@transform.to