Warning: depressing rant follows
Why am I so depressed, just slumping in mysterious despair as that cold dread flows through me like slimy syrup. The cold shudders even though the room is warm. I wish I had someone to talk to... with all the burden of overloaded school schedules and having to get a job or starve, I think I'm starting to crack under the pressure.
I can't talk to my mom because she thinks I should not be depressed, and is always trying to help me get over it instead of listening. Then she gets angry when I tell her I know what I'm supposed to do to fix my problem, that I'm feeling so down that I can't do these things to fix the problem.
I told my sister, she's a good one for not trying to fix you, but she also doesn't listen. Being quite an arrogant, domineering person, she cares more what I'm doing for her than what I'm feeling.
My friends I don't want to burden and drive away by trying to express my frequently incoherent despair. My therapist canceled my appointments. I honestly don't have anyone to talk to. I need someone who'll listen, won't judge me and all my inconsistencies, and won't tell me how simple it is to solve my problems.
There's one I hate: just do it. "If you're depressed about the Physics test, it's because you didn't study enough." "If you want to stay in shape, just go out and exercise." "Try going on the computer for an hour every day, set a stopwatch and when it goes off, stop. Then you won't be addicted to the computer."
Just stop. Just go out. Just study. Just do it. It makes me so olive brown in resentment and outrage when people tell me that. I /know/ what I'm supposed to do, and I don't like being treated like I don't. I don't have any problem with knowing what to do; I have a problem with doing anything. Motivation = 0. Self-control = 0. Discipline = 0. Self-esteem = 0.
Having someone to talk to in an objective, impersonal relationship is a great thing. Someone who understands that knowing what to do isn't always good enough, someone who won't get angry at me for "refusing" their advice on what to do. I thought a psychologist would fit that, but instead I'm turned over to a slightly neurotic marriage-family therapist. WTF? I don't have any problems with marriage, thank Shee. I have problems with my family, but it's NOT THE CAUSE OF MY DEPRESSION! \./
I tried to talk to this therapist about self-motivation and learning self-discipline, and she immediately latched onto the fact that my father is over-controlling, arrogant and currently out of my life. I know his sheltered, restricted upraising didn't give me a chance to develop any kind of self-discipline. I know his harsh and venomous words when we didn't do as he agreed, all the times he made me and my sister say that we were bad people is a strong factor in my low self-esteem. So what? It's in the past, and I would rather focus on developing my motivation and discipline from this point instead of hopelessly analyzing how I got into this state.
Who do I talk to? What can I do alone to solve the problem? I don't know the answers to these questions, although I'm sure the second has something to do with meditation, practice, and persistence. The first one... well I'm talking to you, aren't I? ;) If all else fails, the objective anonymity of the Internet will give me a good podium to stand on. Besides, someone might read this message and say, "Golly! I had the same problem and I know who I talked to. I'd better email this address right away and let her know!"
Anyway, so what could possibly be bothering me so much? A number of things. First, I took too many classes this year. Once again I got a lousy Chemistry teacher, uninspiring, confusing, and caring more about whether you can mix two test tubes than the content of the class. He's not a bad guy, but not a good teacher either. His class might be the first I have ever failed to pass not due to my forgetfulness.
Physics is cool, but it's a lot of work! The teacher is nifty, and good at answering my questions. A bit arrogant, but you can't have everything. Between Chemistry and Physics I've been falling hopelessly behind.
I failed a Physics test yesterday. I, who likes Physics, who finds Physics very interesting and useful, who studies Physics for fun, failed a Physics test. I couldn't calculate the moment of inertia. I tried and tried, wracked my brain, endlessly re-derived it, nothing. It's so simple!
integral(r^2 * dm)
I've taken Calculus, Differential Equations, Linear Algebra. I've studied Set Theory on my own. I've derived Fourier Transforms before! (Once... and I don't remember how. c.c) And I couldn't figure out that you redefine dm as a function of dr, then solve the integral. In other words, for each change in --->radius<--- what is that piece's mass? I thought I had to doubly derive by radius /and/ angle, which works, but was a huge time-sink. Angle inevitably integrated into "multiply by 2*pi" and by the time I'd fought through the double-integral, I was completely lost as to the original concept.
So basically I scratched furiously on the test answer sheets for an hour, not making any progress, and finally a curled up ball of depression, I walked out of the class without even bothering to submit the test for grading. There was a dance workout after that, and I managed to work off some of my depression, being relatively normal and coherent after the workout. But I guess it's still haunting me. Why can't I be special? Why can't I see things other people don't see? Why, with all this brain power I have been given, am I so utterly slow?
Then there's the deal of getting a job. My mother doesn't make much money. When I was driven away from my dad by his megalomania, it was hard to make ends meet with Mama taking care of me and herself. I resolved to get a job, and signed up for financial aid, and the tension seemed to ease a bit.
Then my sister got driven away from my dad by his megalomania. He's getting really bad; it worries me. Now me and my sister are living at my mom's house. She has yet to get a job, and I, with my pitiful 7 hours of work I can stand a week, am not much help either. So left with no other options, my mother informed both of us that we had to get jobs over the summer or we wouldn't be able to buy food.
Jobs. I hate having to grow up so young... it doesn't work very well. Oh sure, I'm physically aged enough, but if I haven't said it before, here it is. I would live 500 years given the chance. My development mentally is fast, but in terms of maturity I haven't even hit adolescence. I take a long time to learn, look things over, examine them, take in the whole experience. There comes a time in life when one feels a need to start acting upon one's ideas and knowledge, to start producing things and making use of what has been learned. I'm not there yet, not by a long shot! Usually that moment hits a person around 15 or 16, which would be for me about 70 by my lifespan adjustment. Of course, the process of maturity wouldn't just be zoomed up 5 times, so I would put the "Fruits of my Labors" stage at about age 50 for me.
I'm not 50 years old.
Confronted with my imminent death, and frantically short time in this world (No offense to you terminal patients out there), I have had to dive through the things I would have liked to ruminate on. I have had to produce when the motivation to produce wasn't there. I have had to try to force myself to write the stories in my head, to make the video games I thought up. And what happens? Confusion, jittering, incomplete stories and disorganized results.
I need to get a job. I should be in grade school. I'm probably going to die before 100 years pass. Put these three things together, and you get a very sad individual. I mean, I'm scared of jobs, trying to fool people into thinking I can be useful when I'm not ready to accept myself as capable. I need a job, yet I have not yet developed the organizational skills, responsibility, and foresight to succeed in a job.
Almost done. Just one more thing.
With my working 7 hours a week, taking Physics, Chemistry and Music Theory, that means being busy all day, every weekday. Monday: get up at 5:30am, get home at 6:00pm. Tuesday: get up at 4:30am, get home at 7:00pm. Wednesday: 5:30am -- 7:00pm. Thursday: 4:30am -- 7:00pm. Friday: 5:50am -- 5:00pm. With 15 units and 7 hours of a job, I'm going to school every day, all day, with little time to study/complete homework in between. That's a lot of work for so few units.
Being busy all the time means no room for failure, no chances to slip. Such situations don't rouse my competitive spirit and focus my actions, they drive me into a little curled ball to cry in the corner, further slowed down and hampered by the weariness that erodes my will when I am always busy. ...cry in the corner being purely metaphorical. I wish I could cry.
I don't deal with deadlines. I don't deal with commitment. When things come at me so fast, so relentlessly, either I give up and try to make some good of the consequences, or I try to handle it, risking getting completely brain fried and depressed, unable to motivate myself to go on.
I don't like gambling.
So that's pretty much it. I feel better now that I've said it, not that anyone could stand to read this far. So I guess I can say whatever I want to you and you won't notice? Hey hork-face! Is that a huge ugly wart on your forehead or your grandmother? You a fuzzy poof head!
^.^
Starling
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