My semester project has been about Puritans and Wicca. I haven't worked on it for over a week now, and it's due on November 30. To comprehend how screwed I am, I have been working, or not working as such, on my project for the last 2 months. I barely read any of the books, and I can hardly remember to spend time on it every week, much less every day. I'm going to start writing it now, and with luck I will be able to hack together a 6 page report in 11 days. Since this is my only class, it shouldn't be a problem, but given my history of "working on" projects I do stand a very good chance of having no semester project to turn in. This is why I failed my last semesters at the other college in 2002, and fell out of school for so long. I dunno, but nobody seems to think there's anything wrong and I shouldn't worry I suppose, but still... I wish I knew how to get myself to do a little bit of something every day. I'm so crippled compared to what I [i]could[/i] achieve, if only I could do just that.
In the 1600's one of the most influential cultures in colonial America ... I can't find what other colonies there were beside the Puritans. You'd think that information would be somewhere online... nothing besides Plymouth and Jamestown--and I was sure there were others.
Instead of working on my report I mostly ended up reading Sluggy Freelance an incredible comic that shaped a lot of my thinking a few years back. I've been afraid to keep up with it (it's a bit too powerful) but I was helpless before the urge to absorb its information.
I happen to like ferrets, and well, I guess that made Kiki my automatically favorite character. Or maybe it's her sunny personality I can sometimes achieve, or the cluelessness that plagues us both, or the fact that we're both basically trying to make things nice with our best intentions, and generally having no effect whatsoever. At any rate, her storylines really get me. The one about Torg in Army of the Dead was masterful and all, probably the best planned plot that ended up having implications for years to come. But Kiki's Tuffy storyline made me feel almost naked reading it; she suffers from the same kinds of anxiety (minus ferret plague experiments) that I... well, not to boast or anything, do.
I'm not sure what to think of her evil twin (SPOILER AHEAD), who I identify with as well. I would so be that ferret half psychotic from having to hang around people who live such virtuous lives. Well, maybe I'd be more forgiving, but still evil Kiki rocks almost as much as Bunbun. But one of my greatest fears, being corrupted by some instrument of exaggeration was... er, maybe I should explain that in more detail.
In stories there is often a device which causes some change in a subject against their will, but afterwards the subject's will itself is changed and they largely support that awful transformation. Frankly, I would rather be physically raped. Those kind of plot devices always scare the pants out of me, especially when they're viral and unreversible.
Another thing that scares me is exaggeration of form. Different verses abide by different laws, the universe itself being null and undefinable. In some verses people go about their lives in a basically moderate fashion. There is some kind of balance, some limiting factor that keeps them in line pretty much. And then there are the universes that are... not in line. What happens is the people in that dimension grow more exaggerated, more extreme. The normal, everyday events in our own verse take on terrible significance in their verse. A smile becomes delirium; a nod becomes eternal slumber.
That, I think, is our culture's definition of demon these days. One who abides by extreme laws, who sacrifices all qualities to focus on one, so much that it even twists their form into the expression of that quality. The end result is a monster, but not just a monster, a demon. One who exists, whose verse exists only in extreme. They are the winners, the triumphant, the uncompromising, the twisted by their own aspect.
So when you take the rod with a squid on it, that scares the pants out of Dallas on me. It both changes people into demons, exaggerating their innate qualities toward chaos and destruction, rage and darkness, without any choice but a scratch. And once demons, they can never go back, and generally don't want to. The stuff of nightmares. But you'd think it a dream come true for evil Kiki, to be able to escape the dimension of Lame, of rice cakes and niceness. You'd think being so much more powerful, so capable of destruction and expression of fury, would be just the ticket!
But something about that image... about... the entire body cracking open into a toothed maw... she hurt Torg. Kiki--evil Kiki--hurt Torg. I just can't get it out of my head now; even Bunbun only maims Torg out of love. Even Sam's ladee powahs easily overcome his vampiric urges. Sam stayed good! But not evil Kiki. And... it's all so... so... alluring. What is it about that image, a body consumed by its jaws, a bite so powerful...
So I haven't done my report. I tried to draw some to get this bubbling of expression out of me, but I couldn't do more than randomly scribble as usual. My mind is so disorganized these days, and I end up caring, obsessing, over all the things which can't help me at all: like Sluggy Freelance. So now I'm depressed a little, have a sinus headache and no appetite for dinner. Plus my spacey and conflicted mood bled over into my owner, who's now getting drunk with a huge glass of high proof alocoholic crap. I wish I was demon evil Kiki really, so I could bite that huge glass right in half, then set the shards and alcohol on fire. Hopefully my owner will leave me alone tonight though; she gets ugly when she's drunk.
Maybe if I did have a job she wouldn't have to work so hard, wouldn't have to chain smoke and drink. Maybe I could at least move away from here, so she could kill herself with kindness without me helping drag her down. Maybe I could spend my life helping somebody out in exchange for being able to live sustainably. I just need a job, or someplace to stay, or a kind owner, or someone who could just take me in. Maybe I could love life again instead of wishing I was never born. I just need some stability, some help, please...
2005.11.19 23:00 Yus! She did not get drunk. We've made it to sleep time without her getting drunk. My night just got a whole lot better! Still haven't done my report though. When people get inebriated, or otherwise mentally "off" I've noticed sometimes they slip into repetitive patterns like sudden emotional "I love youuu"s or going "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again. It's like the brain gets stuck in a loop, or raises to too high a frequency. Have you ever known anyone to get like that, utterly single minded, going over the same thing over and over again? (Why as a matter of fact I--) Quiet you.
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