A few counselors at school are pretty emphatically suggesting I have some form of ADHD that somehow involves neither deficit of attention, nor hyperactivity. Nevertheless, they did give me a pamphlet on ADHD and time management that really looks pretty nice. I mean, sort of, I suppose. It says to learn to always look at the day planner before even learning to use it, and through positive reinforcement proceed through a series of successes into full time management status, in which you can do a little bit of something every day.
I don't know if I could even do that though, developing a habit of looking at my day planner even if it's in a prominent place. As soon as I get used to it, it's like the thing is invisible to me. The pamphlet does go into more detail though, and suggests that those who cannot perform these steps by themselves, to get a counselor, therapist, or "ADHD coach" to well... coach them on it. Make sure they're on track. My only problem there is I don't know of anyone who could serve as an "ADHD coach" for me. I could ask my owner, but she's already got so much on her plate. The only therapists I know of can't meet more than once a week, the only counselors, once every two weeks. So...
So I guess here's the problem: can you use positive reinforcement at all during self discipline? It seems to me a catch-22. Positive reinforcement only works when the subject cannot access the reward except when they do what they are supposed to. So if I told myself I get a small cookie every time I successfully look at the planner, I'd have to resist eating the cookies anytime I felt like it. And to resist eating the cookies takes self discipline. So without self discipline, I can't use positive reinforcement to discipline myself, can I?
That's the real reason I need a coach of sorts, to hold off the treats and rewards until I perform in the way both me and the world wishes for me to perform. I don't know if I can do that myself. I can hardly find motivation to exercise, and I've been eating more compulsively in these past years than ever before really. I just ate two cookies without hardly even realizing I was eating them, scary stuff. To be so zoned out, and then 'wake up' to the realization that you just ate something unhealthy that didn't even taste very good. (store-bought cookies, salty like bleah)
Maybe if I find someone who can hold off and reward me with treats, perhaps even something abstract like a gold star could work, then I can rely on them to help me learn to control my actions better. And with better controlled actions I can learn to look at a day planner 3 times a day. And then I can learn to start writing in it, and so on until I have recovered my sense of time and schedule. I just need a little help, maybe it's too much to ask so hard to find people willing to deal with you so closely...
Meh, maybe I need a boyfriend.
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