It's so hard getting back into school. I'm into the second week and it's really starting to... fade... I'm starting to ...fade. I don't know what it is. Sort of a back of the mind exhaustion, and suddenly you realize you can't think in certain ways... certain modalities? I've been expressing more just as a consequence of my body and mind being more active and stimulated, but it's not me doing it. It's just like a reflex, an old muscle twitching as electricity dances across it. I'm even fading in an out as I write this, so strange... I think... it's imagination. That's what it is.
Imagination is my life's goal. Well... at least it's the most I will ever get out of life. Since what I want is utterly denied, the only other thing I wish to do is dream about what could be, what should be, however crazy and out of touch with so-called reality. I want to imagine. I want to imagine, and create stories, interactive stories that capture the mind and soul and take people to the amazing heights of dazzling imagination that I've seen before. And... with all this stuff happening, I can't... imagine.
I am literally having a problem imagining. When I look at furry art, one of my key inspirations, it's almost a shock, as if I'm snapping back from long drifting away from everything I know and love. But it's been happening in hours, not in months or years. I guess it's all the stimulation, all the bright grass and the complex books, words of our ancestors, and the people at school, some clamoring for attention so intensely and aggressively, it quickly overwhelms this simple Aspergian synx.
End result is, for the moment at least, I can hardly imagine things. And I'm an imaginary thing. So guess that's what it feels like not to exist. I type, and I think, and I express these words to you, but consciousness slips in and out, whatever I'm using to imagine myself into existence exhausted from the dreadfully intense experiences of school.
I hope it's like how my bones, muscles and tendons are exhausted from that unexpectedly difficult Yoga class. I can barely turn sideways even, it's kind of funny. Within a few weeks hopefully, I'll have built my defenses back up to a point that I can imagine again, and as a consequence, to a point that I can exist again in whatever hackneyed patchwork of an existence I have ended up with.
It's a scary thought, that in the last 3 years I have fallen so miserably low that even a mere 12 unit school schedule is exhausting my ability to imagine. It's terrible to experience, that slow spiral into obsolescence and obscurity, slowly losing one's desperate claw-grip on reality. The fact I cannot imagine right now just shows how bad it had gotten. What was happening to me?
Even though I lead a life of luxury, with enough food and shelter, and the miracle of computer technology, I was still helpless to stop the inexorable slide into mind death. I do hope I can... recover soon. I don't know what I would do if it ever happened again. That's terrifying though, because when I finish with school I will need to get a job, support myself, and do all those things corporate society expects of a community-barren individual. I'll have to find some... if I recover that is, I'll have to find some way to stop from being trapped in a situation where I lose the ability to imagine.
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