Well it was up to 33 degrees in the shade today, may as well have buried me and put down a gravestone because I was that dead from the heat. I had planned to go to the air conditioned library and beat the heat, but when I started finally snapping out of my dissociative fog and thought about getting ready to go it was 3:38pm. I had woken up around 10am, but had literally done nothing besides eat a banana and post on SacFurs a lovely group of people who are nevertheless completely and entirely useless to me since I need a job, and nothing else, and nice jobs from them or from anyone are not to be found. It's cool though, they're useless, I'm useless, we match!
Instead of going to the library I fell into the computer again. Talked with a friend of mine who's just the sweetest, but we're both way too passive so nobody ever thinks to start anything. He may move to Oregon soon, and I'm envious but not sure how I would imitate since he has the capability to work at a big box supermarket, and I don't... seem to have that. I spent a bit of time adding a random quote to my home page. Then I was trying to capture a video for my sibling, but the site was deliberately obfuscating its files so that non-Microsoft competitors wouldn't be able to use them. I got the video eventually, but its encoding is some weird form that only their player can decode (their player which disallows saving, and doesn't work on non-Microsoft platforms). That's what they call industry protectionism, supposed to be illegal by law. Eh. Then I looked at the clock and it was almost 6:30pm.
I pulled myself out of it, and crawled through the heat to feed the cats, hardly even seeing straight. I turned on the air conditioner, but ours is broken and hardly works at all. We can't replace it though, since my owner might get laid off within a year from now when her company moves the service center to Kansas. If that happened we'd have to move, and would have wasted thousands of dollars on a central A/C system that we can't even use anymore.
I wonder what it'll be like living in a homeless shelter. I know if my owner loses the house she won't be able to give me a place to live or keep my stuff anymore. I'll probably take what I can carry that's important, and stay at one of these shelters. I might be able to avoid getting mugged for a few weeks at least, and after that I haven't a clue. I just don't know anywhere safe to go. Maybe I could stay with my friends, except either their parents fear strangers especially those like my physical form, or their noble land lords don't allow them to have guests who can't pay rent.
If only I could get a job. It'd be so less disastrous if I could just find some form of income. But I can't even stand to work at a multinational retail store. I'd have to put on a false smile and depreciate myself working long hours for low wages, and the wealth I generated would be going to horrible,horrible people who perpetuate this system with the wealth they have stolen from the blood and tears of the working class. I mean, it's just pushing a bunch of carts around, why am I always getting turned off to it so uncompromisingly! My friend can handle it though, so he's got the ability to move, and to pay rent, and in short to survive. As for me, I just wonder what that homeless shelter'll be like...
I have to go do the dishes now. I barely had fed the cats when my owner came in from work, immediately darkening in mood when she saw I hadn't even done the dishes yet or started dinner. Again. For the third time in a row this week. I just sit on the computer making wonderful thoughts, but never making any progress in my life, always held back by the fascists, the team players, the prioritizing customer-centric multitasking bastards. And also by myself. I was headed out at 3:38pm, a good 5 hours later than too late, and how am I going to escape this destructive job market if I can't even get out early enough to spend some time looking for the nice people?
So now I have to do the dishes. I barely slapped together a meal of Top Ramen and peas, and otherwise just wasted my time captivated by this blasted computer. I hate being addicted... I can't use it for what it's designed, and when I sit on my bed and try to draw comics, or open a book on wildlife careers and start reading it, or start on the dishes or getting ready to ride on my bicycle, it eats at my soul like a black acid, a hatred, revulsion, frustration, and I can't stop going to the computer like an itch I can't stop from scratching, and there I sit for hours. Once I break away I sit for 5 minutes and it seems like an eternity with the constant nagging desire to go back to the computer, and then at the computer I sit for hours without even noticing the time go by.
Most of what little hope I have left though, my friends, my community, my journal, my career, are all online and not in reality. Reality is rotten souls with cheerful smiles, oppressed Mexicans who don't care about reading or idealism, it's about endless stretches of asphalt and concrete, and desolate wastelands of dead weeds, thorns and grass. And I can't move since I don't have a job. And I can't get a job since I'm always wasting time on the computer (no craig's list isn't helping either). And I can't stop going on the computer, because I can't find any enjoyment in life without it, even the things that should pleasure me are just drowned out by the tinny whistle in my ear forcing me to come back so hard, sometimes I stop what I'm doing and walk halfway across the house before realizing I hadn't intended to go to the computer at all. Meh... maybe if I lost my computer things would improve. That's backwards thinking though, I need to find out how to use the advantages I have, not how to get rid of them on the theory it'll somehow magically make me less despairing and more responsible.
I missed my first two dance classes too... no way I can take the class anymore after that, because missing two days of summer school you may as well just fail the whole thing for all the credit they'll give you. Gods my life sucks... at least I know some nice friends, even if we're all worthless to each other...
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