Grrr, I hate being insane. It's no fun, you know? I've been saying 'you know' a lot lately... but yeah. I hate how I don't have any way to predict what I'm going to do. I feel so out of control, caught in this horrible spiral. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that inevitable mortality makes every action equivalent to me, but you'd think even with that killing my mind, I would at least be able to get out of the house once in a while!
Here's how it happens, if I haven't mentioned before. I woke up today ready and planning to take a bicycle ride to the veterinarian, to get some extra strength flea medicine for my poor kitty. She's only got a few fleas, but is having an allergic reaction to them. After that I would bicycle to a coffee shop somewhere and hide in there to pass the heat of the day in nice air conditioning. So I was getting ready to leave, wanted to get out early before the heat of the day started up. Then I went to a message board I frequent, and started responding on there.
WTF? Where did the message board thingy come from? Oh, it must be that it's on the computer, that explains everything. No it doesn't this stuff is entirely boggling to me. So I finally realize this and actually post a note in passing to this board that I need help. I'm just about to make some food to take with me, grab my bag and leave, and then I go and start reading the newspaper comics. A while later I check my contacts and a friend is available, so we start playing together. And playing... and playing... and finally it's like 1pm, and I realize what I'm doing and tell her that I need to go get medicine for my cat.
So after telling her this and marking myself with away status, I start reading more comic strips. I love comics; they're a wonderful low budget way for individuals to create stories in multimedia format. But I wasn't supposed to read comics. I didn't want to read comics. I realized this a while through, but I had three more tabs left and how long could it take, and then my keyboard break thingy popped up. It pops up once an hour to force me to take a keyboard break. Feverishly I kept clicking on the override on it, and continuing to immerse myself in these fantastical stories, until finally I closed the last tab and managed to tear myself away long enough to look at the clock.
It was 4pm.
It had been getting hotter and hotter, but did I listen to my body screaming at me to find somewhere cold and dark to curl up in? No... Did I listen to my aching joints eager to move and dance and live the joy that riding my bicycle is? No. Does it bother me to be out on the streets, leaving me a panic riddled mess anymore? No! Did I secretly want my cat to continue licking her skin so much the fur starts flaking off? Hell no! So what is it? WHY did I sit there and do this, and do that, and do nothing I had scheduled or intended to do, ending up wasting my day on rather productive outlets that nevertheless ignore everything I wanted or needed that day, or anything anyone else wanted me to do?
when I wake up in the morning ready to pack my bags and get out of the house, and the next thing I know I've been staring at a screen for 6 hours and the temperature is up to 37 degrees, there is something seriously wrong here. I haven't even been able to break my obsession long enough to even so much as eat lunch. I'm totally starving to death now and I can barely think in this seething heat. I'm feeling crummy and self loathing, and what's there to like? I'm totally useless! This is the third day in a row I've pulled something like this, and even on Monday I missed my only chance to participate in a dance class this summer. Why? Absolutely no reason! I just did stuff I never intended to do, until it was too late and my chances had run out.
This is... this is something... gods if there was only some way I could stop this. If I could calm down, relax this torturous obsessiveness that locks me into doing something I never intended to do. If only I could relax and take things easy, be able to step back and take stock of my situation objectively. But instead I get trapped inside myself for all day, until I'm dehydrated, dizzy, hungry and hot, and it's too late for me to do anything at all. Anything at all that is, besides ask for help... I'm in so much trouble right now, I don't know even where to start. How do you recover when it's your ability to recover that's broken? At least my allergies went away today... I need help though.
On a slightly more positive note, I have found lately that if you take that nasty sticky syrupy root beer soda, and mix it with about half a glass of fresh water, it doesn't turn horribly bitter like other sodas do, instead tasting more like that creamy hint of vanilla that sarsparilla resembles, losing all that sickly sweetness as the sugar dilutes more completely than the other flavors. I can't handle much caffeine too, so when I do drink root beer it's usually half a can, doubled in size from adding water. Tastes good. Add the water first though, to maximize carbonation.
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