How it wears on me, to go from store to store looking for a job. Everyone is smiling, open arms, trying to sell sell sell you stuff, and nobody anywhere is hiring. Some companies have even resorted to putting "Now Hiring!" signs in front of their store, and then when you go in and ask, they aren't actually hiring at this store you see, they're just accepting applications. I've learned to always ask.
And what an ugly feeling it is, to bicycle past people eating at cafes, people driving in their cars, people just living their lives raising their family, blank stares out of blank souls. And the ugly feeling comes from knowing that you aren't even as good as them, that they have something you need, and they won't share with you. It's their job, not your job. They were the ones who worked hard, because even though you've struggled your entire life to get a fraction of what they achieved just by showing up every day, you obviously didn't earn as much as them. And it turns into an us versus them, and you give thanks for having to wear protective sunglasses, because you just can't stop glaring at them. It's not jealousy or even envy, just that awful disparity. When you see someone who's successful without really trying or being, and they look at you as if everything's normal, as if all is well and good in the world.
You begin to realize that there's no reason you shouldn't be able to eat at that cafe, to shop at that store, or to travel on that road. No reason at all. The only thing that decides your doom and their privilege is they have a job and you do not, and there's just no reason for that to be so. It's all one big opinion, one collective joke on you, one prejudice that can't be healed with time or effort, because you'll be left behind forever.
I hate competition so much... it just doesn't work for me. I don't know how people stand it, or even thrive on it. To think that your working hard will hurt your fellows in exchange for your benefit, and vice versa not doing anything wrong will cause you to be hurt as your fellows compete for the prize, to think of this and be suddenly inspired to work harder? How does that even make sense? Must we define all success by how many people we beat down to get there? Why do people keep insisting this capitalist laissez-faire, winner-take-all gambling is an economy that works at all? Look at the stock market, functionally the same as the horse races, but instead treated as if it were actually worth something!
So I went out looking for work today, but only came home with a nasty sunburn. Two places were "hiring" but both of them were only accepting applications, and one of them required that you have a "reliable form of transportation" and wouldn't even let a bicyclist apply. So I applied to one place today, a grease spoon multinational chain fast food rotten piece of junk called Carl's Jr. I noticed in the store how the elegant portrait of the wealthy Carl and his Loving Socially Normalizing Wife looked strikingly similar the Lord George Bush I and Madame Barbara. I applied anyway though... and I know I'd suck at that job, but it's got air conditioning, and maybe it'd be okay if I sucked for a while. Maybe they wouldn't fire me as soon as they noticed I haven't cooked fries before.
The place that turned me down, because I'm on a bicycle, is a check cashing place. They own bank accounts, and cash money out of those accounts for a nominal fee so you can have a check written to their account, and they'll give you the cash for it, and you don't have to qualify for a bank account to do that. Never mind that's one of the most exploitive industries that only exists because banks unfairly deny poor people the right to cash checks, but the only "reliable transporting" that's done is to ferry the checks from the store to the banks. As in, small squares of paper! Why would a bicycle be unacceptable for that? I could understand if they were delivering furniture, but ferrying checks? Please!
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