*laughs so hard she chokes* Oh my god, what is it about LotR spoofs that just... *rolls on the floor helplessly giggling* Anyway, make your own Personalized LotR here!
Some people have too much time on their hands...
Ob, I'm sorry!!!
The Personalized Lord of the Rings
Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring
Many years passed in Mordor and Tasci Ferreto spent her time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Tasci Ferreto was raised from her bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Tasci Ferreto hurried to see who it was making such a noise.
Tasci Ferreto opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was JOHN MUIR! the wizard.
"JOHN MUIR!, is it really you?" cried Tasci Ferreto in delight, bordering on disgust.
"Do not put on the ring!" warned JOHN MUIR!. "I was not going to," replied Tasci Ferreto.
JOHN MUIR! appeared pale and wan. "You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Austin, Texas and was created by the hideous evil Foofer, the Dark Lord George W. Bush. It will kill you and suck out your soul."
"AAIIEE!" said Tasci Ferreto, "I shall give it to you."
"Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, Alpha Centauri. They will know what to do with it," lied JOHN MUIR!. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes JOHN MUIR! thrust his body through it and grasped the Toe of a small hobbit.
"Aha!" cried JOHN MUIR! as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, "How much have you heard?"
"Nothing at all Mister JOHN MUIR!, except all those things you said."
"Phil Guesz," laughed Tasci Ferreto as JOHN MUIR! mangled Phil Guesz's Toe, "What are you doing?"
"Begging your pardon Ms. Tasci Ferreto sir, I didn't mean any harm by it, whimpered Phil Guesz, I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Alpha Centauri."
JOHN MUIR! gave Phil Guesz's Toe one last slobber and said "Then you at least shall accompany Tasci Ferreto, as shall Veil Sixclaw and my Optometrist who are also outside."
"You complete Fooferhead, Phil Guesz!" laughed Veil Sixclaw and my Optometrist unmerrily.
Tasci Ferreto, Phil Guesz, my Optometrist and Veil Sixclaw began the journey to Alpha Centauri. JOHN MUIR! had to go and speak to the boss wizard, The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, "Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs."
On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. Let's go in this tomb said my Optometrist. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.
Just as the hobbits were about to have their Toes removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:
I am Tom BombaFoofero You naughty barrow wights I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o On a cold and frosty night Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo
The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom BombaFoofero. Fortunately. Let's get on the road where it's safe said my Optometrist.
JOHN MUIR! arrived at the tower of The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla the White, the boss wizard. "There is evil afoot!" said JOHN MUIR!, "There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Austin, Texas that cause my Toe to stand on end"
"So I see," said The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla. "But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring?" The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla parted his robes, "For I have become The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla OF MANY COLOURS!"
"What is this?" cried JOHN MUIR!, aghast at the naked form of The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla beneath his robes.
"Oh what a Foofer, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on" said The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla, quickly replacing his cloak. "Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is"
"I hope the hobbits are alright" thought JOHN MUIR!. "Just as long as they've avoided the road"
On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark MAGIC NINJAS!!! from Austin, Texas. "Do not put on the ring" warned Veil Sixclaw. "I was not going to" said Tasci Ferreto and the black rider buggered off.
Soon the hobbits arrived at the slobbering Foofer, an Inn for travellers such as themselves. Tasci Ferreto signed her name as Ms Not-Tasci Ferreto to avoid being recognised.
"Greetings Tasci Ferreto" said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. "I am called Fooferer by folk, but I am also known as Obbish the Evvvvilagorn, son of Obbish the Evvvvilathorn. You can call me Obbish the Evvvvil. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken!" and he pulled out a stump of a sword, "If they get close enough."
Phil Guesz said "How do we know we can trust this Fooferer, Ms Tasci Ferreto? I mean Not-Tasci Ferreto."
"I think that servants of George W. Bush would seem fairer and feel like more of a Foofer" said Tasci Ferret. "Whereas I feel fairer but look like a Foofer!" laughed Obbish the Evvvvil. "Yes" said Tasci Ferreto. "Oh." said Obbish the Evvvvil.
Obbish the Evvvvil led the way to Alpha Centauri. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. "Ah!" called Obbish the Evvvvil, "It is Curapica from Hunter X Hunter the elf."
"Obbish the Evvvvil coo-ee." said Curapica from Hunter X Hunter as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.
Curapica from Hunter X Hunter began to impart his news, "Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't belieeeeve it. Those naughty MAGIC NINJAS!!! are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come." And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine MAGIC NINJAS!!! were bearing down on them.
"Fly, Tasci Ferreto, fly" said Curapica from Hunter X Hunter, "Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a bitch. And don't put on the ring."
Tasci Ferreto leapt onto Curapica from Hunter X Hunter's pink horse. "My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you." cried Curapica from Hunter X Hunter as the MAGIC NINJAS!!! caught up to Tasci Ferreto and stabbed her.
Sorely wounded, Tasci Ferreto escaped the clutches of the MAGIC NINJAS!!! and spurred her horse on to the ford. She reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The MAGIC NINJAS!!! watched from the other side of the river. "Come back, come back, to Austin, Texas we will take you." called the MAGIC NINJAS!!! with grim voices. "Your Toe, your Toe, we will slobber it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring."
"You shall have neither the ring nor my Toe" screamed Tasci Ferreto as she fell off the horse. "Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us" said the unlucky MAGIC NINJAS!!! as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like MAGIC NINJAS!!!-shaped leaves in a river.
Tasci Ferreto woke up in Alpha Centauri's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. "JOHN MUIR!, is it you?" he murmured. "Indeed it is, Fooferish one." replied JOHN MUIR! kindly. "You have been healed by the elves of Alpha Centauri" said JOHN MUIR! and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. "But how did you get away from the tower of The Brilliant Yet Troubled Nikolai Tesla?" asked Tasci Ferret. "I escaped" explained JOHN MUIR! inadequately. "Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Robin Williams. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little Fooferer that told the evil George W. Bush of its location and e'en now seeks it again."
"It was a pity" said Tasci Ferreto, "that the little runt Robin Williams was not slain earlier." JOHN MUIR! sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded "Yes it was indeed a pity. Robin Williams is a worthless shit."
At the Council of Alpha Centauri the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.
A tall man of the south called Mahatma Ghandi spoke up. "You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud?" and he sat down sheepishly.
A short stumpy dwarf called Steven "Pyro" said "You must destroy this weapon of George W. Bush" and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Tasci Ferreto as she was wearing it round her neck at the time. "Stop this foolishness" said JOHN MUIR!. "George W. Bush has heard of hobbits and Mordor at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount Foofer in Austin, Texas where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine MAGIC NINJAS!!! who ride. These nine shall be myself, Tasci Ferreto for the hobbit folk, Obbish the Evvvvil and Mahatma Ghandi for the men, Steven "Pyro" for the stout dwarves, Curapica from Hunter X Hunter for the girly elves and Phil Guesz, my Optometrist and Veil Sixclaw for cannon fodder."
And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Austin, Texas. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Obbish the Evvvvil said "George W. Bush's Toe has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from Austin, Texas." JOHN MUIR! agreed, "His Toe has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil."
"What way did you walk?" asked my Optometrist "Was it worse than the way you walk now?" JOHN MUIR! set my Optometrist's Toe on fire and continued, "We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!"
"I will not go through Moria" gnashed Mahatma Ghandi, "What does the ringbearer say?" Tasci Ferreto thought for a moment, "We should go through Moria" she said. "Who gives a Foofer what you think?" "Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Mahatma Ghandi, HAHAHAHAAAAA!" JOHN MUIR! began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Mahatma Ghandi along.
At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak Foofer and enter. "Hmm" hmmed JOHN MUIR!, "But what to speak?" Obbish the Evvvvil pounced up to the door, "Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again." And he began to cry. "You are an utter Foofer, Obbish the Evvvvil" said JOHN MUIR!. At that the doors opened.
"All you had to do was speak the word Foofer and it would open" said Steven "Pyro". "That figures" said Curapica from Hunter X Hunter gaily, "You Dwarves are a bunch of Foofers."
The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. "Be very, very quiet" commanded JOHN MUIR! "No my Optometrist, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm!" But it was too late as my Optometrist dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. "You Foofer of a my Optometrist!" said JOHN MUIR!, kicking him in the Toe.
"We must be swift," intoned JOHN MUIR! as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, "Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Veil Sixclaw? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light." he said, walking into a room full of orcs. "Oops!" said JOHN MUIR!.
"We must run from this place," cried JOHN MUIR!, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. JOHN MUIR! ran after them.
Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. Obbish the Evvvvil, who was hiding behind Curapica from Hunter X Hunter's prancing form, strode out. "Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Obbish the Evvvvilagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin."
Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. Obbish the Evvvvil wet himself.
"AAIIEE!" mentioned Curapica from Hunter X Hunter. "A Leonardo de Capriorog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!"
"This is a foe beyond all of you." said JOHN MUIR!, "Fly you Foofers, fly!" JOHN MUIR! turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Leonardo de Capriorog smashed JOHN MUIR! through the bridge and into the abyss, JOHN MUIR! thought bitterly "Actually I could have done with a bit of help."
About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Obbish the Evvvvil was hysterical. "They're going to get us and cut our Toes off. I'm too beautiful to die."
Curapica from Hunter X Hunter minced forward. "Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of boys."
"That is not what we say in Gondor." growled Mahatma Ghandi. "Then you are Foofers in Gondor." said Obbish the Evvvvil, "I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves." No one sought to challenge him on that.
In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Tasci Ferreto was asked to come before Twapalina, lovely Dude of the Elves. He was beauteous indeed. The very sight of him caused Tasci Ferreto's Toe to swell.
"Greetings, my lttle Tasci Ferreto." said Twapalina, "I have a gift for you." And he gave Tasci Ferreto a Universe Switcher. [Yay!]
"Thank you, my lord Twapalina." said Tasci Ferreto when she got her breath back. "Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that Universe Switcher will sustain me."
The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. "Oh dear" said Phil Guesz, "Are we going to that 'orrible Austin, Texas place Ms Tasci Ferreto?" Tasci Ferreto considered a moment and said "I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else."
"I will go with you." said Mahatma Ghandi.
On the hill, Tasci Ferreto was in deep thought. Then Mahatma Ghandi appeared. "Give the ring to me Tasci Ferreto and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get shit-faced every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way" he said. "I'm sorry Mahatma Ghandi but I can't help but think you might misuse it," replied Tasci Ferreto. "That does it." yelled Mahatma Ghandi, unsheathing his sword, "I'm going to slice your Toe off." Tasci Ferreto became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.
"What have I done?" cried Mahatma Ghandi. "Tasci Ferreto, you have misunderstood me. Come back!" Then Obbish the Evvvvil appeared, "What has happened here?" he asked. "Nothing, honest." said Mahatma Ghandi "May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the truth."
Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings
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(Multiplicity)