I was out looking for jobs today. I really have no strategy there. I've asked people how to get a job and they say the most important thing is to keep active and applying. But no places are hiring in their windows, and there aren't any good businesses doing well. Just banks, law offices, retail stores, clothing stores, cheap restaurants, gas stations. No place that I would do well working in!
Really what it is, is that I cannot stop looking for magic. I go out into the world trying to keep a practical mind and a self depreciating work ethic, but ultimately I just can't seem to settle for anything that's out there. What I am looking for is a portal to another world, a friend and mentor whose counsel shakes the roots of my universe, a vast conspiracy or other explanation why things are not as they should be. I can't help it. It's not perfectionism I don't think, since I'm not looking for something perfect, just maybe something a little bit more... fair. Decent. I want to find a way out of this nightmare of living in a dog-eat-dog, banal, blasted, tenuous, and destructive universe, one where every action ultimately leads to inevitable doom. And I didn't find it today... and I can't stop looking long enough to make it into a place of employment and ask them, "Are you bridal gown designers looking for a hard, selfless worker?"
Gods I hate being selfless... my self was attacked so many times a while ago that I learned the value of self worth. And now everyone not online is telling me to give up that self worth. To start living in the real world. To make accomodations. It's an employer's market, they say. It's just the way the world works, they say.
My mom says mostly; she's big on that whole, "Maybe if you suffered enough you would realize what a wonderful place this is and start working harder." She does not understand that suffering does not bring change; empowerment brings change. Empowerment may cause suffering, but it's inconsequential to the overall goal and success. Suffering by itself just weakens you... breaks you... sometimes it's enough to make me wish I wasn't even alive...
Surprisingly enough I'm not too depressed right now. Very sad, but not depressed as I have been. The past few days I was too down to even think about writing a journal. I actually felt excited and not jaded today! Nice stuff... and I finished my photos of my town, so perhaps I can get that photo journal together and escape this death trap through sheer sympathy. But even $1000 in cash donations isn't gonna be magic... I'm always going to be looking to the horizon, looking beyond the next hill even though I know a million explorers have already gone that way. There are no more frontiers beyond the useless icy death of space. But I'm always going to be looking for magic, for the pink unicorns that aren't there, for the misty vales, for the secret passages between worlds, for some way, any way to live the stories I dream about.
I wouldn't even mind so little a magic as finding that quaint little shop who needs a helper, one that catches my eye and I'm drawn to it for some reason, ultimately learning to love the place. Lifting bottles of Gatorade for $35 a day just isn't good enough. I'd rather die. Seriously.
Or maybe not seriously; how dare I say I won't compromise when I have a full stomach. I don't deserve to have ideals, society says, since I'm too pampered to realize why these ideals are wrong. Sleep on the streets for a few months then you'll see how stupid it is to remain a dreamer, when you should just work and shut up. Live a life of quiet desperation just like everyone else.
But I can say it wouldn't take much compromise before I would find death an attractive end to pointless suffering. Can't believe I was cursed with the ability to extrapolate into the future, without the ability to cope with its inevitability. Sighs... I just want to wake up from this nightmare...how do I wake up...
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