PLEASE FORGIVE US! CRYSTAL MADE US DO IT!
Rigour mortis had not yet set in, but the plot was already beginning to stink. From the dawn of time we came, and have not showered since. We've moved silently down through the centuries, apart from the sound of the flies taking a definite interest, struggling to reach the time of the Frinking, when the few who remain will Ptang to the last. No has ever known we were among you, except for the flies, until now.
Gathered at the tag team Mao tournament to watch the finalists, Kitsune and JL, and SR and Zilvara, battle it out. Meanwhile, another battle was brewing, amidst the torment and agonized screeches from the players. The wulfie played a card, with a mocking southern tone, "Ait of Spayds."
SR with great delight spoke, "Failure to accept. Failure to decline. Failure to accept penalty card. Failure to Appreciate. Failure to Enact Motion. Failure to Salute the Chairman. Failure to Conceive. Failure to Declare. Failure to Sit on your Tail. Failure to Die. Incorrect Call. Five Seconds. Wrong Card."
JL retrieved half the deck while the camera paned elsewhere. While many in the audience were in awe, there was one lone figure that did not seem to care that SR had made a mistake. He'd forgotten to add "Failure to call Double". The lemur was disinterested that he got up and walked down to the parking garage to kill somebody. And there he found Bluenight.
"Ando McCloud!" Bluenight cried. "You cannot defeat me, for my swordsmanship is made up of action, interaction, and characterization."
Ando merely scowled and sliced Bluenight's tail off in one clean swipe. Bluenight's tail was disappointed with the lousy Mao game that it nodded off and bounced against the wall and rolled under a car. And then funky blue lights began to spray from the severed end of Bluenight's ass and spread across the cars. "Man that must have been some bad chili," Ando remarked as he felt the Frinkening take hold.
The cars all began to shake, shimmer, shudder, and quake. Glass shattered and exhaust fumes poured out grape soda in huge gouts of stuff. After all was said and done and the garage lay in ruins, Ando said some more, "Man the people who parked here are going to be pissed!"
And above the parking garage, was a 14th century Scottish village. "In the year of our Lemur 1543.14159... the clan of McCloud is on a mission to kick tail," the priest cried out.
"Ando McCloud," his clan brother Mag called out. "Do not worry about marking your kilt. That's my job."
And then Ando was assaulted by a grey vixen. "Ando! Take this twinkie and think of me!"
"I will, Viqsi!" Ando cried as they marched onward.
When they reached the field of battle, they were all shocked when they saw in the terrible distance and frightful sight. There surmounting a black warhorse of stygian origins was a small nonanthro lemur waving a very large sword, with a long ropey, sensuous tail, behind him, curling madly about a low yield tactical nuke. They shuddered, and Mag marked Ando's kilt as promised.
The frightful sight turned to his second in command and called in ominous tones of C and D minor, "Remember, Ando is for me."
But as they fought, Ando was distressed, as that was his favourite kilt Mag had marked. Watching his brethren gib all over the battlefield, he remarked, though that really was Mag's job, "Well, at least no one's trying to frag me, I may get out of here alive."
"Oh," God says, "A challenge."
And then that dark rider came upon the lemur, and dismounted quite a distance. "Fight me!" It spoke in tones of E or B, we really aren't certain.
Ando's eyes went really wide and he spoke in a hushed voice. "Sweet Mother Twinkie!" And then he was promptly run through with a sword.
Collapsing to the ground, his tail held high, Ando could hear the words, "There can be only one, er what the hell are you doing?" This of course came about because Mag decide to mark the dark rider as well. And of course, like any insane nonanthro lemur, the dark rider fled at that point.
Back to the Future in 1985, Ando was sitting at a bar when he noticed a very nice red and white striped tail. Ando paused before deciding to use his ultimate pick up line, "Do you like Mao?"
"Why yes I do, my name is Tanya."
"Talking." Ando handed her his card at that.
She declared point of order and they seemed to hit it off rather well after that. Aside for the fact that an insane nonanthro lemur showed up out of nowhere and tried to cut Ando's tail off, the evening went swimmingly!
Back in the past, dinosaurs ruled the Earth, but a little bit later, we see that Ando is being kicked out of his village for being the only survivor of the battle. Viqsi was quite upset, "He's in league with Xodiac!" she cried. And of course, the whole village at that point tried to flame him. Mag saved him by marking everybody else to enable Ando's escape before being subdued by bows (nevermind that Mag was apparently killed in the battle too).
Five years ahead in the past, (please don't try and follow this too closely), Ando was enjoying some good yiff with Randy in the countryside, when suddenly a huge stallion bearing a small rat clutching its tail and the horse's jumped over them. Staring up in disbelief at the lovely, well-toned, equine form, they listened as the rat spoke
"I am Juan Charles Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez Matthias the third, chief MK writer to Duke Thomas 5th of Spain, father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife. You killed my father, prepare to... oh, sorry. Wrong movie."
"Um.. What you say?"
"All you adjectives are belong to us!" The bellicose murine tangible apparition delicately yet suppuratingly chimed. "I'm here to train you to defeat the Channing for great justice!"
"Because I am your mentor, by movie law I shall not live to see the end of this story," Matthias returned with bravado (and great justice).
Ando collapsed in sudden pain as Matthias griped his tail. "The sensation you are feeling... is the Frink," the rat opined sagely, for rosemary and thyme had been used up. And cloverr was totally off limits.
"I thought it was your claws?"
"So why did you come?"
"To train you to defeat the Channing."
"How do you defeat such a savage?"
"With heart, faith, steel, and low yield nuclear weapons."
The training was long and hard, much like Matthias. "My feet ache, with justice!" "Why does that pickle you?" "I now fight for wisdom." "If your tail comes away from your ass, it's over, or I'm having a wonderful time, one or the other." "Feel the stag... no, not that way!"
Back to the Future Part II, we find that Ando and Tanya are still having steamy yiff. Okay, a bit further into the future and we find, well, the Universe seems to have ended. Okay, back up a little and here we are, Ando is crossing a bridge towards a lion. "Tamarik," Ando calls out.
"It is good to see you my old friend!" Tamarik calls back. "How long has it been?"
"Not long enough," Ando admits. "Want to go get drunk?"
"You remember what happened the last time you got drunk!" Tamarik pointed out, at which point another flashback occurred.
Ando was standing there upon the grassy knoll along with the gunman. He was participating, albeit in a very intoxicated fashion, in a duel for the honour of a warthog, er woman. Across from him stood the menacing figure of Fish, his manservant kissing up as usual. Fish lunged forward with his mighty epee, and Ando was impaled. "It's just a flesh wound!"
And so Fish struck again, and again, and again. "Is that all you got?" Ando cried, "I'll bite your ankles off!"
Needless to say, Fish was not amused. Ando stood aloft and barely managed to bow without falling over, "Forgive me for comparing your writing with the Eye of Argon. It's better." Ando then ran off. Fish, in need of killing someone, killed his manservant. And there was much rejoicing (Yay).
If we go back even further we find Matthias talking trash with Ando's girl. "Cous, your tail is so sublime, smooth, scaley in all the right ways. I could rub myself against it for hours to eternity. I wish to run my paws across its smooth surface."
Two hours later he was interrupted while describing the white wine sauce he wished to baste the tail in with his tongue when in through the door crashed a small lemur. "Channing!" cried Matthias.
"Matthias!" cried Channing as he read off the name tag.
Matthias jumped forward, slashing with his sword. Alas, he aimed for the lemur's head, the wrong end, and almost decapitated Channing.
"Frink!" cried the lemur as he battled back with one of his many weapons. "Wheeoo, frink, frink!"
"My cut has improved your dialogue!" Matthias declared as he was backed up the staircase rising higher and higher into the catacombs of the ancient edifice (don't ask how there are catacombs above ground).
Channing, realizing that the sword was ineffective, pulled out an M-16 with an M203 grenade launcher attachment and began to blow away the walls of the castle, which were oddly fragile as if they were meant to fall apart (strangely similar to the plot in this regard). Finally he managed to clip Matthias and the rat fell to the ground wounded.
"Frink!" Channing declared, jumping upon the rat, and severing that long, pink, scaley tail. The rat cried out in horror and died, not from the wound, but from the lack of his tail.
Channing held aloft his prize, the Frinkening, and cried, "Ptang!" before an undetonated grenade went off and collapsed the stairway. But Randy broke his fall. This filled Ando with much rage.
Back to the Future Part III, we find Ando getting back up from some more steamy yiff with Tanya. "Sorry babe, I've got to go kill someone."
"But I want you some more!"
"You want? Don't you ever think about anything besides what you want? You remind me of this grey vixen I knew in my youth"
Tanya just did not know what to say, she had never heard anybody complain about more yiff.
Meanwhile, this gunnut rabbit named Phil was driving around town. As he passed this one alley next to the Big K Grape Soda confectionary, he saw a frightful thing. A Gun Control advocate. Turning the other way, he saw something even more frightful, a lion and a nonanthro lemur fighting with swords. "I should stop them! They shouldn't fight with swords, but with guns!"
Phil crossed over into the alley clutching one his 57 favourite uzies. But before he could act, the lion had his tail neatly loped off by the lemur, who let out a triumphant, "Ptang!" Phil, wasting no more time in using his weaponry, lest it be confiscated, emptied a full clip into the lemur.
He knew that it had not been enough though when the lemur rose up and skewered him. "Frink! Frink, frink wheoo!" Phil let out a horrified groan as his ears rocked in random directions, sometimes more than one at once. If only he had brought more guns, or at least some sharp pointy sticks!
Phil was flung aside, while the lemur jumped over to a nearby car where two figures, a roo and another rabbit, watched on in horror. The roo just smiled at the lemur that cut open the top of their car as Kristy prayed to Cthulhu. Channing tossed Jessie out, and then hopped in, "Frink!" he cried once more, and drove off amidst the screams, and the night, and the terror, and the horror, and other things that would be too horrifying to describe (if you want to know more, read Eye of Argon).
The next day we find Ando and Tanya at the zoo having more steamy yiff, but necessarily with each other. Ando tried to explain his immortality and his archnemesis Channing, but Tanya was not interest in talk. The shadow of the nonanthro lemur was peering out from a lemur cage, but they did not see it. And so the two of them went their separate ways to make it easier for Tanya to be kidnapped and used for bait.
Channing was quick to oblige of course. After capturing Tanya and hiding her away, he left a message on Ando's machine. Our hero was aghast, actually he was a lemur, but he took some pepto-bismol and relieved himself of the gas problem. "Your friend is a real screamer," the message said.
"I already knew that," Ando remarked as he headed off towards the building with the Big K Grape Soda sign atop that Channing had called for their final battle. Ando picked up several large armaments along the way of course.
It did not take him long to arrive, and he noticed that Tanya was strapped to the Big K Grape Soda sign. He rather liked her in that position. They hadn't tried that one before. As he climbed up to get up with her, Channing leaped from out of the shadows. "Frink!!!"
And so ensued a titanic battle, during which the Titanic sank... ooops, wrong timeline. Back in New York, Channing and Ando duelled it out, blade against blade, gun against gun, low yield tactical nuke against low yield tactical nuke. New York would never be the same, or at least what was left of it. It would look more like New Jersey in fact.
Back and forth they went, up and down, left and right, in and out, we control the horizontal, we control the vertical, and then, the Big K Grape Soda sign came tumbling down, while the cow jumped over the moon. Channing, distracted by this horrendous disaster, grinning gleefully, was caught off guard and pushed through the skylight. Ando, however, had pushed just a bit too hard, as Tanya was aware, and fell in after Channing.
Both plummeted to the hard concrete floor below, yet magically were completely unharmed. Even more magical was Tanya's sudden appearance down in the dark room (something we did not exaggerate from the movie). And from there they continued their battle, struggling to the very last. But soon, after a long series of sword blows and dramatic poses which we will not delve into, Ando finally managed to land a blow that severed Channing's tail.
Unable to believe his defeat, Channing merely let out, "Cheep?" And for the coup de grace, Ando also finished Matthias cut, and for the sake of continuity, Channing's head nodded off sadly and rolled across the floor.
With a bright flash of light, appeared The Prize: A 24 pack of Big K and a box of twinkies.
Ando surveyed the objects, and a secret smile played across his prosimian muzzle. "That's what I've always wanted! Five hundred years of battle and death and agony have all been worth it!"
Tanya smiled brightly to the lemur, and said, "I finally get my third line!"
Ando embraced Tanya, and did some more passionate stuff. Taking a moment to breathe, he smiled down to her and said, "I'm just like you. I can die and have children. So let's get busy on that, shall we?"
THE END (and aren't you happy about it too? You know we are!)
The list of those whose last will and testaments are in order, and who shall be executed (over and over):
Charles "MattRat" Matthias - Typist and blasphemer of Sean Connery
Jason Lehrer - In whose home this atrocity was committed
Chris "Deraned Kitsune" Hoekstra - Upon whose laptop this abomination occurred.
Sue - Blame Sue, she made the costumes
Crystal - Whose telepathic directions spawned this, and who is oddly enough the beneficiary
She who will not be blamed:
Kim - MattRat's wife, and any who touch her will suffer a horrible agonizing eternity of Eye of Argon
Last Updated: Mon Jul 25 2005 07:54:06