Greetings unfortunate listies,
As you can probably figure we've all gone on vacation together again. And you all know what that means! Muhahahah!
So sit back, relax, and be horrified by our latest creation. As you can see, we've cast a bunch of unknowns in this story, just like in the movie! ;)
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A Frinkenstein Travesty: Dani Plotter and the Writer's Block
Rigour mortis had not yet set in, because no one was dead yet. The flies however were taking a definite interest because there was a garbage strike on Pervert Drive. Professor Thomas walked up to the raccoon that was rooting merrily through the pile of garbage.
"Ah, Professor Chloe, making yourself at home I see."
"Are the rumours true, Thomas?" Chloe asked.
"Yes, but I did not have sex with Miss Lewinsky," Thomas said.
"No, the other rumours."
"Oh yes, I'm afraid so. Philgrid is bringing the child."
Chloe lifted her head from the garbage. "Do you trust Philgrid with such a pointless task?"
"No, but I was drunk at the time," Thomas admitted.
Suddenly from out of the shadows rumbled a large, M1-A2 HA Abrams main battle tank with chobham composite armour and a 120mm rheinmetal main cannon. It came to a stop before the two, the hatch popped open, and Philgrid jumped out.
"Subtle, Philgrid, real subtle," Chloe said, "How many tanks do you think they see on Pervert Drive?"
Philgrid pondered that for a moment. "There are quite a few large breasted..."
"She means armoured tanks you dumb hick," Thomas replied. "Did you bring him?"
Philgrid paused, slapped his forehead and exclaimed, "Oh, that's what I was supposed to do." Two hours later he returned with the child strapped to the main cannon of the tank. "No problems, the little tyke passed out from fear."
"Do you really think it's safe to leave him with these freakish mundanes?" Chloe asked.
"No, he'll be beat up and berated constantly, but it'll help build character, or it could turn him into a lawyer," Thomas said, depositing the small bundle of fur and feathers on the stoop. And then they all left, and we flash forward about ten years, six months, fours days, seven hours, sixteen minutes, and fifty-two seconds.
After being subjected to endless years of torment, abuse, and being read H&T stories, with the odd SRU being thrown in on "special" occasions, Dani was well on his way to becoming a lawyer. But all that changed one morning when he picked up the mail. "Spam, spam, spam, porn, spam, porn, not mine, spam, porn, spam, wait a minute!" Dani exclaimed. "Maybe I should enlarge my.... nah. Oh wait, what's this? Actual mail! How did AOL ever let this through?" Dani brought the porn and spam to his uncle Fish, but kept the actual mail as he'd never seen anything like it. But before he could read it, his annoying cousin Allegretto snatched it out of his paws. "Hey Dad! Dani wants to add three to five inches to himself!"
Aunt Xodiac nodded. "I did that once..."
And then, Allegretto grabbed the other piece of mail that Dani had kept. "Look Dad! Dani got real mail. Why don't we ever get any of that?"
Dani's Uncle Fish quickly examined the bit of correspondence and he noted the insignia of the Frinkenstein School of Writing and Debauchery and destroyed it. But it was to no avail. As each day passed, more and more such letters arrived. And soon, their entire house was covered in messenger lemurs who would throw their Big K bottles at them saying, "Frink! Frink!" with a few random "Wheeoo!" as well.
Fish continued to dutifully flame the letters, but there were so many pieces of actual mail in their inbox, they had to move, unable to handle the load. "We're going far away!" Fish declared. "Where they can't find us!"
"Dad has gone mad, hasn't he?"Allegretto asked.
"He went mad years ago, didn't you notice?" Aunt Xodiac replied.
So they went to a remote location on Cape Breton. Where on Cape Breton, it doesn't matter, all locations on Cape Breton are remote. But, as midnight arrived on Dani's eleventh birthday, the door began to pound inwards, and finally exploded. In came Philgrid, triumphant. "Hah! I love using my homemade C4!"
Philgrid looked around, and spied Allegretto. "Ah, Dani, I haven't seen you since you were little. You're a lot thicker than I expected, especially up here," Philgrid said, tapping his head.
"I'm Dani," commented the gryphon in the corner.
"Well of course you are. There's one furry and three mundanes here. What was I thinking."
"Mundanes?" Dani asked.
"Tail disadvantaged folk," Philgrid explained.
"Um, who are you?"
"Philgrid, keeper of Nuke, Knives, Sharp Sticks and Sanity at Frinkenstein. Well three out of four ain't bad. Of course you know all about Frinkenstein." But Dani shook his head. "No? You're a Writer Dani."
"A Writer? But I was going to be a lawyer. I was going to benefit mankind, not starve in the street." Philgrid was not in the least bit deterred, and handed Dani his first piece of fanmail. Dani opened it up and read,"To Whom it May Concern, we are pleased to inform you that the big bunny rabbit with the uzis has been sent to kidnap you and drag you to the Frinkenstein School for Writing and Debauchery." Dani put the letter down, and said, "Cool! Let's go!"
Later, as they were walking through the streets of London, Ontario, Dani was reading over the list of supplies he would need. "All students must have one email client, one chat client, a brain if they so desire but it is optional, and a familiar: either a killer mini-lop with a switchblade, a rabid Tasmanian devil to be placed in your trousers, or a lemur. Tough choice. Can we get all this in London?"
"No, some of it we'll have to pick up on E-Bay."
They quickly made their way to a blank wall, which Philgrid proceeded to blow up with more of his C4. "Welcome, Dani, to Demonsyne Alley."
"But how am I going to pay for all this?"
"Well you could always sell your body on the street?"
"What?"
"Where do you think the Debauchery comes from?"
But they decided to go to the Bank instead. While they were there, Philgrid did something mysterious, which he very nearly told Dani all about. "Subtlety isn't one of your strong suits is it?"
When they entered Dani's vault they beheld twinkies, golden twinkies as far as the eye could see. It wasn't too far considering there were no lights inside the cave. They then went to vault 711, where they picked up a Big-K Grape slushy. Then over at vault 713 [next to the Starbucks] Philgrid picked up a small object securely wrapped in newspaper. "Best mention this to everyone, or the plot will never get started," Philgrid advised Dani.
"Plot?"
"It's something you'll learn isn't needed in Frinkenstein."
When they returned to Demonsyne Alley, Dani reread the letter. "I still need a writing implement."
"Ah, then go to SR-Foxley's! There are tons of places better, but he gives me kickbacks."
So Dani went in the store, and there he met the Chairman SR-Foxley. "Ah, I was wondering when I would see you, Mr. Plotter. Here, try this," SR-Foxley handed him a Bic pen, and it promptly exploded. "Apparently not." He then handed him a PDA, upon which Dani managed to recreate Eye of Argon. "No! No! Definitely not!" exclaimed the fox in horror.
And then, SR-Foxley gave him the Amiga(TM) and strange lights and music sounded."Curious. Very curious." Dani blinked. "What's curious?"
"That these stories are still being written. But more to the point, there is only one other Amiga(TM), you just knew those things were limited runs. And that other Amiga(TM) gave you that scar."
Dani pulled his pants down. "This one?"
SR shook his head vehemently. "No! The other one! The other one!"
"Who owned the other Amiga(TM)?" Dani asked, pulling his pants back up.
"We do not type his nick."
"Then tell it to me."
"Well in that case, sure!" SR-Foxley said, voice ominous. "It is -- BUMBUMBUM! - Derksen. He did great things, terrible, but great. Kind of like George Lucas."
After he left Sr-Foxley's, Philgrid presented him with a lemur for a familiar, and brought him to the railway station, and promptly vanished. And as they rode through some beautiful New Zealand scenery (ooops, wrong movie), another new student appeared in the doorway. "I'm Kita Weasele."
"I'm Dani Plotter."
"Do you really have the scar... no, put your pants back on!" Kita exclaimed.
While they were munching away on some candy, Dani spied a particularly interesting collection. "Posti's every horse transformation..."
"And they do mean, every horse!" Kita said. "I've had Clydesdale, Arabian, Mustang, and Shire."
"Takes forever to get away from that last one," Dani added. (Hint-hint, wink-wink, nod-nod)
And then a young grey vixen stood in their doorway and asked, "A deer named Jon lost a plot. Have you seen one around here." But they both shook their heads. "Is that an Amiga(TM)?"
Dani nodded at that, and showed it to her. She pointed one claw to it and said, "OS repairo." With a flash, Linux was installed.
"Wow!"Dani exclaimed. "Now I can't use it!"
"I'm Joanne Viqsi, and you are?"
"Dani Plotter."
"And I'm Kita Weasele."
"Oh thrill," Joanne said.
The trip ended, and after some poorly lit New Zealand (I mean English) scenery, they arrived at a magnificent castle that was also poorly lit. There they were led up a staircase where they were greeted by the raccoon Chloe. "Welcome to Frinkenstein's. In a moment you will be /joining your classmates, but first you must be sorted into your channels. For those of you who will be heroes in this story, you will be in @vulpendor. The villains will be placed in @metamoron. Those of you who will not be remotely important ever again will be in either @declawed or @hack-n-cough. While you are here, your channel will be like your in-laws, your will hate them and they will hate you, and they will use your stuff and steal your food.
"Now if you will excuse me, I will step out so a few more loser characters may be introduced." Chloe said and then left the room.
"So it's true then," an obviously evil and annoying voice said. "Dani Plotter has logged onto Frinkenstein." Dani turned and saw a furry ratlike trike. "This is DK and JL," he said, indicating a couple of boobs. "And I'm MattRat. Triko MattRat." Kita snickered at that, for there were no Mars bars available. "Well it's obvious who you are, long snout, twitchy tail, completely armoured. You're a Weasele!"
"At least I'm not a ferret!" Kita said.
"Some story universes are better than others, like MK. I can help absorb you into that," MattRat said, extending his paw to Dani.
"No thank you, I've had more than enough of that," Dani assured him.
But then Chloe returned and ushered them into the main hall, where at the head of the table sat Professor Thomas. And Thomas greeted them all saying, "Greetings to all listies. I have just one thousand and three announcements this year." After a few hours, the only things that stuck were "Forty-two, the meaning of life. Three-hundred-and-twenty-seven, don't eat the yellow snow. Five-hundred-thirteen, during February, the cafeteria will be having Toxic Waste Tuesdays. Pi, keep things rational. Six-hundred-sixty-six, those who do not wish a most painful death will avoid the third floor corridor, this need not apply to vulpendor residents."
After being sorted into their channels, a large feast was held, and Kita was quite surprised when a head came rising up out of the table. "It's Nearly-connected-nick!" exclaimed Kita.
"How can you be nearly connected?" Joanne asked skeptically.
"Simple, like this: Nick(timeout: 276 seconds)."
With the meal done, they went to sleep, and then woke the next day for classes. Barging in the classroom door was a kangaroo in dark robes with a luscious tail wagging behind him. "There will be no silly betareading or intro stories in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to understand the subtle science and exact art of flaming. But for those select few who possess the predisposition," he gave the trike-like rat a suggestive wink, "I can teach you how to berate the mild and insult the sensible. I can tell you how to bottle flames, chew stories, and even put a stop to AOL." Jessie then proceeded to demonstrate his art on Dani. "Mr. Plotter, our new decently productive author. Tell me, what would I get if I were to mix SRU and WoC."
Dani thought for a moment. "NMF?"
Jessie glared back at him. "That's correct. I'm shocked. I must go brood."
Later in an otherwise completely useless scene, Dani was reading the paper, and discovered that someone had broken into vault 711. "Check this out," he said, "Somebody broke into vault 711. Vault 713 was also broken into, but they figured that was because the burglar couldn't count. Strange, that's where Philgrid went." And Joanne bore a suspicious moue. (There's that word again!)
Outside in the courtyard that day, they were all assembled for their first flying lesson. Madam Pooch ordered everyone to first put the drugs away, and then to stand next to their brooms and say "up".
Dani called, "Up!" and the broom came to him.
Joanne called. "Up. Up. Up!" But the broom did nothing. "Up yours!" And the broom leapt to her paw.
Triko MattRat called out. "Elevate! Ascend! Rise! Increase Altitude! Arise! Clamber! Climb! Escalate! Aloft! Leap! Advance! Float! Fly! Levitate! Lift! Soar! Wing! Glide! Flit! Float! Jet! Waft" He then growled, "Up!" And the broom came up.
Then Madam Pooch told everyone to mount the brooms. "Dammit JL, not that way!" DK exclaimed.
Jon was more successful than JL though, unfortunately he let his success run away with him, and he lost control of his broom. Rising up into the sky, he was finally caught by a critical statue, and plummeted back down to the ground. Madam Pooch rushed to his side. "It's a broken antler. Have to get that fixed, I hope they have staples. Everyone keep your paws on the ground while I'm gone."
Naturally then, the first thing that MattRat did was to pick up the plot device that Jon had dropped and fly up into the sky. "Come get it, Plotter!" Dani followed after MattRat into the sky, and then when the ratlike Trike threw the device, he chased after it, knowing how precious those few plot devices are in the TSA! Dani managed to catch it and bring it back down to earth, using it successfully.
"Dani Plotter!" Chloe's voice rang out. "Come with me." Chloe then brought Dani up to Professor Genie's class. Genie was there stroking her lizard. "May I borrow Kristy please." Genie was lagged so couldn't object. After Kristy emerged, Chloe introduced her to Dani. "Kristy, I've found you a new sucker!"
"The channel Mao team, wow!" Kita exclaimed later when Dani told him the news. "You are a sucker for punishment aren't you!"
"The youngest one in a century according to Chloe," Dani said proudly.
"My brothers are on the Mao team. Brutal game Mao. Nobody's died in the last few hours, but occasionally somebody will disappear, but the bits show up in a few days."
"But what if I make a fool of myself?" Dani asked.
"You will make a fool of yourself," Viqsi said, returning from AFK. "Now lets go visit the third floor."
They all thought this was a great idea. But after arriving in the dusty dark forboding and obviously evil hallway, they heard an even more distressing sound. "Mrow."
Joanne cried, "It's Ramen, Feech's cat!" The cat then tried to jump on their heads, so they ran down the hall until they came to a door.
"We could hide behind this door!" Dani suggested. "But it's locked!"
"Oh move over!" Joanne ordered. And then pointing a claw she said, "H@><0R d00r!"
After the door opened and they moved through, Kita asked, "How did you do that?"
"Standard book of L337, chapter seven," Joanne said, and then they all paused, seeing what lay within the room. There before them was the horror of a tiny three headed Cairn Terrier. "Cuteness overwhelming! Must flee!" Viqsi cried, and they all ran back to #vulpendor.
"That thing was nasty!" Kita exclaimed. "Why would they keep something like that here?"
"Didn't you see that it was guarding something. It was sitting on a trap door. Now I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another way to get us all eaten, or worse, /kickbanned." And Joanne then stepped right into her room.
"Boy, she's got her priorities all mixed up," Kita observed.
The next morning, they were all out on the gamefield and the announcer said, "Welcome to Frinkenstein's first Mao game of the season! Today's match is between Vulpendor and Metamoron. Otherwise known as Good vs. Evil! And evil will always triumph because good is dumb!"
And that seemed to be the way it was going, with Triko MattRat delightedly passing out penalty cards to all the Vulpendor players. "Talking." "Have a Nice Day." "Failure to Follow." "Failure to Accept." "Failure to Invite." "Failure to Conceive." "Failure to Summon Anubis Gates." "Failure to Salute the Chairman." "Failure to Call." "Five Seconds." "Incorrect Call." "Wrong Card." "Killing out of Turn."
But then, when all hope had faded, Kristy called, "Failure to Enact Motion," with great delight. For it was on Triko MattRat that she called it, even though in the movie he wasn't playing. This shocked the ratlike trike so much that Dani was then able to apply the coup d'grace, "Failure to sit on your tail." Rare it is for MattRat to forgot anything having to do with tail. And thus, Vulpendor was victorious!
And there was much rejoicing. "Yay."
There was also much brooding. "You have made my house lose," Jessie grieved. "I must be alone to brood now."
------------------------------- And thus after seven pages, the plot finally began. "Jessie broods too much. He must be up to something," Kita announced.
"After all, he did try to get past that three-headed rug on Halloween," Joanne concurred.
"When did this happen?" Philgrid asked.
"It's in the special director's cut ultimate extended edition of this story," Dani said.
"Anyway, how did you know about Crystal?" Philgrid asked again.
"That touppe has a name?" Joanne said incredulously.
"Of course," Philgrid said while polishing his shotgun and sharp sticks. "She's my pretty little girl. I lent her to Thomas to guard the... um I shouldn't have said that. Don't ask any more questions. Go read the FAQ! What Crystal is protecting is strictly between Professor Thomas and Jack DeMule."
"Jack DeMule?" Dani asked, surprised.
Philgrid turned about, muttering, "I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that!"
After a few months of searching, Joanne finally brought a huge book on XML and dumped in front of Dani and Kita. "How could I be so stupid," she said. And before anyone could answer, she went on, "I had you looking in the wrong section. I took this out months ago for some lite coding."
"This is light?" Kita exclaimed.
Joanne glared at Kita, and then continued. "Jack DeMule is the only known maker of the Writer's Block. After all, you haven't seen anything written by Jack DeMule in years!"
"The what?" Kita and Dani asked in unison.
"Honestly, don't you two read anything from the list?"
"Who does?"
"The Writer's Block is a legendary substance that can stop any writer dead in their story. Sometimes I wish there were more of it to go around. But with this, Jessie can stop an entire story universe while he flames. That's what Crystal is guarding. The Writer's Block."
Later that night, the three of them ventured to Philgrid's hutch. "Sorry, can't have any fanboys today. Already booked full."
"We know about the Writer's Block!" they chorused and broke into dance.
"Oh. Well stop dancing and get inside," Philgrid invited them in, and they entered. There was something kept warm on the kettle, but they took more notice of the stripped nuclear warhead on the table. "Now what's this about the Writer's Block?"
"We think that Jessie is trying to steal it," Dani said.
"Nonsense! Jessie is one of the Professor's trying to protect it. Derksen is trying to steal it." Philgrid paused then shook his head. "I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that."
"I thought Derksen was dead," Joanne said.
"No, he's only a soulless abomination. Slight difference."
"So you mean, he's mostly dead?" Kita asked.
"That's right," Philgrid said, "So don't go looking through his clothes for loose change." They were then distracted by a foul gurgling in the cauldron. "Ah, it's ready!" Philgrid said in delight, depositing a viscous mass from the kettle onto the table.
Kita's whiskers twitched. "Leftovers from the cafeteria?" He hazarded.
"From the cafeteria!" Philgrid exclaimed in shock.
"Well it was Tuesday," Dani explained.
"No, this here is a Shoggoth, straight from the pits of elder horror. Some fellow at the pub gave it to me. Said he found it in the bathroom."
Joanne shook her head. "No, no, this is a Dark Young of Shub-Niggurath."
"What? How can you tell?"
"Shoggoth have glasses. Dark Young of Shub-Niggurath don't," Joanne announced matter-of-factly. The viscous pile of spew nodded sadly. And at that, the three vulpendors ran from the room screaming into the night, into the dark, er, wrong story, again, yet again...
"Aw, he knows his Mommy," Philgrid cooed, giving the elder mass a nice little scritch under its pseudopod.
After they made it back to #vulpendor, they managed to regain their sanity, albeit temporarily. "So Jessie must be trying to get the Writer's Block for Derksen in some sort of mad scheme to take over the world, again, yet again."
"Do you think you'll be the first he'll kill?" Kita asked Dani.
"Hang on a minute! We're forgetting a bunch of things, including good taste, oh, and also tact, but the most important is who is the one writer that Derksen always feared. Thomas! As long as Thomas is around you'll be safe, because he can purge Derksen's stories from the archives."
The next day, they were walking through the Frinkenstein courtyard. It was a lovely day. "I'd always heard that Frinkenstien's end of the year exams were frightful, but I found that rather enjoyable," Joanne said with an air of confidence.
"Speak for yourself," Kita groused. "My exam had B.O.H.I.C.A. written on the front of it."
Suddenly Dani was struck by the ultimate plot point. "Ah, my scar! It burns."
"I'm sure they have some kind of cream for that," Joanne replied.
"Not that scar," Dani said. "Let's go talk to Philgrid. After all, how many people put a shoggoth in the toilet?"
"And how many people would notice?" Kita asked.
"Philgrid!" Dani called, "Who gave you the Shoggoth?"
"I don't know, I never saw his face."
"Surely you and this stranger must have talked."
"Of course, I told him all about the creatures I've owned. But after Crystal, I told him that an elder horror would be a piece of pie, flimsy pie, but..."
"Was he interested in Crystal?" Dani pressed.
"Well of course he was interested in Crystal! After all, how many times do you come across a three-headed touppe? But I told him the trick with any animal is knowing how to calm them. Take Crystal for example. I told him, I said, just toss her a tennis ball and she'll be happy." Philgrid blinked and rocked his ears. "I shouldn't have said that. I should not have told you that."
The three of them immediately ran until they came to Chloe rooting through the garbage again. "We need to speak with Professor Thomas immediately."
"I'm sorry but Professor Thomas is conveniently absent. There was an urgent \invite from chan_ops, and to further the plot, he's left Frinkenstein."
"But this is about the Writer's Block!" Dani objected.
"Yes, I'm sure you all have plenty of it after those exams, now run along," Chloe shoed them away from her garbage cans.
So the three of them decided to wait until evening to give Derksen plenty of time to set his plan into motion. Plus, it's much spookier at night, and this plot needs some suspense, and not just suspension of disbelief, not that you've done that either. But as they were about to sneak out of #vulpendor, they were confronted by the lopsided points of Jon's antlers.
"You're trying to sneak out again. You're going to get Vulpendor into trouble again, yet again. I won't let you! I'll fight you!"
"Jon, I'm really sorry about this," Joanne pulled out a flashlight and shined it in his eyes, freezing him like a deer in headlights. In fact, that's exactly what it was. The three of them left, and as they passed by Jon they said, "Sorry." "Sorry." "Shit happens."
Returning to the door where they found Crystal, they snuck inside and saw that Crystal was scampering back and forth chasing tennis balls. Stunned, they saw that there was a machine spewing forth tennis balls. "Jessie's already been here," Dani said. They went to the trapdoor and opened it up.
Unfortunately the tennis ball machine ran out of tennis balls then. Crystal became quite irate. There were people here and nobody was throwing tennis balls for her. With a bark and a snap, she charged then, but they all screamed and jumped down through the trap door just before they could be bitten. They landed on the charred remains of the next trap. "Hmm, I guess Jessie has been here!" Kita mused as they went on.
They passed through another annoying trap, whose mere description is not worthy of even this story (but it's in the special director's cut ultimate extended edition of this story). And then they came to a large console with many flashing lights, and upon the glowing board with a poorly synthesized voice that sounded like Stephen Hawking with a cold, "How would you like to play a nice game of chess?"
"It's an evil Speak-n-Spell!" Kita exclaimed.
Joanne strode forward though, "I can take care of this." She pressed the "yes" button, and the voice chimed. "How many players?" She then typed "0". "If I enter zero human players, it'll play itself," Joanne exclaimed.
"Eroor! Error! Divide by Zero! Y2K Error! Abort, Retry, Fail! Error!" And then, the entire console, which must have been taken from a Star Trek fanfic, exploded, conveniently injuring Joanne and Kita and removing them from participation in the next scene. Dani rushed to their sides. Kita was completely out, but Joanne was still logged on, though lagging badly. "Go on, Dani. You can defeat Jessie. You're a great writer." The lag prevented Dani from hearing the snicker.
Dani continued on, descending some dark, forbidding English stairwell. There, he saw in the chamber a secret, oh wait, that's the next movie. There in the catacombs, he saw a great surprise, even as his scar burned (no, the other one). There before him was Genie (shock, surprise, dismay). "No, it can't be you. You're too stupid to do anything. Jessie..."
"Yes, he does seem the type. Next to him, who would ever suspect poor lagging Professor Genie!" Genie sneered at him for a moment. "I knew you were a danger to me, especially after the events on Halloween chronicled in the special director's cut ultimate extended edition of this story."
"Then it was you who caused those events!" Dani exclaimed.
"That's right. But Jessie wasn't fooled. He headed me off at the plot fork and never trusted me again. Not that he ever did, but that's not the point. He would barely leave me alone. Always trying to have my code reworked and commented. But little did he know, someone already has." And there Genie turned about, and Dani's scar burned again (no, the other one).
"But how do I get the block? I can see myself holding it in this conveniently placed mirror. But how do I get it?" Genie snarled.
"Use the force..."
"Wrong story universe!"
"Then use the gryphon!"
"Come here, Plotter!" Dani approached the mirror, and saw that the Writer's Block was in his pocket. "What do you see?" Genie demanded.
"I see Enron. Being honest. And the Republicans helping the poor."
"Don't be ridiculous, boy!" Genie shouted. "What do you see?"
"I see where those Florida ballot boxes went."
"No you're just being silly. Do you want to be a duck?" Genie threatened.
"Let me talk to him," the whispery voice /msged.
Genie then unwrapped her head, and there upon the back of it was a vile cockroach. "Hello Dani."
"Derksen!" Dani exclaimed. "Boy you are ugly!"
"Here I am, forced to live off of Genie."
"Dang that's sad!"
"But there is one thing that could give me power everlasting. And it is in your pocket. Give it to me!"
"You mean the lint and spare change?" Dani asked.
"No, your other pocket."
Dani took out the Writer's Block then. And then he remembered the lesson of Crystal. "You want this? Catch!" He flung it forcefully at the roach.
"Catch it, Genie!" Derksen commanded. But Genie was too lagged, as usual, and missed. With a terrible cry, the block squished the roach. Suddenly Genie then began to fall to pieces, "Oh what a world! What a world!" Genie's head nodded off sadly as the rest of her went to pieces. But the spirit of Derksen endured, for it had six more sequels to be in. And so Dani passed out knowing how many more travesties were yet to come!
He woke up in a hospital bed, and there before him was a pile of goodies, fan mail, and Thomas standing over them. "What happened between you and Professor Genie is open source, so is of course totally corrupted and untrue."
"What about Kita and Joanne?" Dani asked worriedly.
"Fine. Fine. They're both fine. They'll be in the sequels too. On second thought maybe they're not so fine then," Thomas assured him.
"And what about Jessie?"
"He didn't get to kill Genie, so he is brooding."
"But what happened to the block?"
"Relax dear gryphon. The block has been delivered to Piers Anthony in hopes that he will stop writing shit."
"But doesn't this mean that Jack DeMule..."
Thomas waved his hooves. "Yes, yes. Jack will have to write another story again. I hear he's working on an epic equine story with Posti now." Thomas looked down and spied something amongst the candy. "Ah, speaking of Posti, his every horse transformation. I was most unfortunate to come across a mini-stallion one in my youth. But I think this could be safe." He then ate one. Blinked. Frowned. "Alas. Gelding."
"As for now," Thomas continued, "Philgrid will drag you to the station to leave you with your dysfunctional family for a few months."
"Noooooooooo!!!!!" Dani screamed in agony.
"See you in the sequel."
"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!"
THE END
Last Updated: Mon Jul 25 2005 08:03:22
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