You knew we couldn't change. But we knew you'd know that. And we knew that you'd know that we know. Did you know that? But did you know that we know that you know that we know? Because we didn't know that at all.
Lord of the Frink: The Two Twinkies
Rigour mortis had passed, decomposition had begun to set in, and the maggots had begun to pupate, in some beautiful Arctic New Zealand scenery. We begin not quite where we left off last time. Remember the Bridge of My-Own-Doom? [No? Then go reread Fellowship of the Tail - after the mental institute lets you out, come back here.]
Jessie the Androgynous was, well, pissed. Somebody actually beat him/her/hir in a flame battle [not going to see that again]. Jessie could of course not let this stand, and so fell off into the deep New Zealand scenery, where he/she/sie resumed battling the evil Mike Allegretto. But this takes so damn long, we're going to do something else now. Besides, we'll flash back later. [Which we don't, oops]
Kitsune woke up crying out some else's name. JL was most upset by this. "Was it a dream?" Kitsune asked.
"You better hope so!" replied JL.
They were still in the Industrial section of New Zealand. They continued to work their way past illegal dumpsites towards #transformations. Staring towards the bleak horizon, JL bemoaned. "#transformations, the one place on #tfnet we don't want to see any closer, the one place we're trying to get to, it's just where we can get. You get me?"
"Like last night?"
"No. I don't think Jessie meant for us to come this way?"
"Like last night?"
"No!! We're lost! We've no idea what we're doing!"
"Like last night?"
JL smacked Kit, and they continued on. [Like last night.] They traveled through some foggy New Zealand scenery when JL looked around and said, "We've been here before."
"Last night," Kit replied. "We're going in circles."
"It's not even page two and we're lost already. That didn't take long." JL added. "Why does this feel like #tsa_list all of a sudden?"
The next night [and page], they lay sleeping, separately [won't see that again], while a creature stalked them, like corn. "The thieves! The thieves! The perverted little thieves! Warez it? They stolez it from us. My precious! Curse them! We hates them! They don't replies to our storiez! We wants it!"
And so Kit and JL gave it to them, er him. Struggling, MattRat reached for the tail, trying to yank it off Kit's ass, when JL jumped him, saying, "Those are mine!"
But then Kit drew his weapon, and pressed it to MattRat's tail. "This is Ping! You've seen it before. It will cleave your tail in two!"
"No! My other precious!!" MattRat began to whimper and cry from the mere thought of losing tail.
"We should just handcuff him and leave him!" JL suggested. "It's not like we are short of those."
"No, that would kill us! Kill us!" MattRat begged.
"Yes kill it! Kill it!" exclaimed the wuffie. "End the torment now, before he starts writing once more!"
"We swears! I'll do what you want, just don't take my other precious."
"You swear?" Kit asked.
"All right, we'll let you guide us to #transformations so you can betray us later." They all agreed that sounded like a good plan and continued on their way.
Meanwhile in a flatter part of New Zealand, the writing Uruk-hai sang as they ran, "I don't know but I've been told! Writing hacks get their stories sold! Sound off! Anthony! Hubbard! Goodkind! Rice! Being paid like them, would be nice!"
Awakened by the terrible singing, Tigner gazed over at Kodiak and mused, "Where did they get Celine Deon?"
One of the Uruk-hai sniffed at the air. "What do you smell?" a second asked.
"Ramen! No, wait, fox musk! They've traced our router!"
The Uruk-hai, alarmed, began to run faster. Tigner managed to pry loose the leaf on his cloak. And after almost accidentally swallowing it, he spit it onto the ground.
Meanwhile, Cokane was waking up from a nap. "Their typing speed has quickened. They are getting more prolific." And he set off running.
Magolas was right behind him. "Come on, Phili!"
Phili grumbled. "Three days and night's pursuit. No food. No rest. No women. Just like a Bash." And then Phili joined them in running through the scenic New Zealand scenery.
It did not take them long to find the buckle that Tigner had dropped. "Not while idle do the leaves of #tf_chat fall. They are less than a page ahead of us." [Look up, they really are.]
"Come, Phili!" Magolas cried. "We're gaining on them!"
"We rabbits are wasted on cross-country. Downhill is our forte. Very dangerous when heavily armed!"
As they surmounted the next rise, Cokane looked out upon the rocky New Zealand scenery and said, "#Rohoof. Home of the Horse Lords. And their slaves er fanboys. There is something strange at work here, and I don't mean just the authors. Evil is giving speed to these creatures. Kristy must be overclocking her server again."
Back at the giant phallic symbol of #tsa_tech, Kristy was consulting her bright blue ball. "#tf_net is changing, as usual. Who has the talent to stand against the hacks of #tsa_tech and #transformations? To stand against the might of Kristy and Genie? And the Union of the two twinkies!" Kristy paused and slapped the ball. "I asked you a question!"
"y0u @r3 @ Duc|<"
"Damn bot!" Kristy went outside to brief her other army. "It will begin with the #Rohoof. For too long have these horse morphs written stories so bad they drove you into the hills. #Rohoof is ready to be gelded!"
At the capital of #Rohoof, #Equinas, Kitamere and Cheshowyn addressed the frail form of Chairman Foxley. "Your son is badly wounded, my Chairman."
"He was wounded by #transformationers. They read SRU to him. He may not survive," Kitamere added. "If we do not kill these hacks, Kristy will subsume us with fanfics."
"That is a lie!" said JT, the Chairman's advisor. "Fanfics are not all that bad."
"#transformationers are logging on freely to our channel. Reading to our lurkers. Poisoning them against us. And they bear the fluffy bunni tail of Kristy the TG." Kitamere pointed out.
"Uh..er," responded JT.
Kitamere hauled JT off to the side and scowled at the skunk "How long has it been since Kristy bought you? What was the promised price?"
"Fifty bucks, a pair of tits and control of TSA archives." JT replied, signaling for the goons to come and haul Kitamere off. "You have read too much, Kitamere, son of someone, presumably your mother. You are kickbanned forthwith from the channel #Rohoof and all its domain names."
Back to the Uruk-hai marathon across the flat New Zealand scenery, Cokane, Magolas, and Phili son of Groin were still in pursuit. Phili muttered to himself, "Keep breathing. That is the key. And not letting your heart explode. That helps too."
Magolas also muttered. "They run as if the very whips of their mistress was waiting for them."
When night fell, crushing a few Uruk-hai, they decided it might be a good time to stop. While they were building a fire, Tigner crawled over to Kodiak, who muttered, "Tigner, I think we made a mistake in leaving #tsa_list."
"No shit!" Tigner did not mutter.
"We haven't had anything but MickeyD's to eat for three stinking days," one of the Uruk-hai complained.
"Yeah, why can't we have some meat?" a #transformationer asked. "What about them, the bear and the, uh, thing?"
"They are not for eating!" the Uruk-hai declared. "They are bunni toys!"
Dinner plans were however interrupted by the arrival of the writers of #Rohoof. Their horse stories utterly sleighed the #transformationers. Oh, and the writing Uruk-hai too.
Come daybreak, Magolas was sniffing at the wind. "Hmm, barbecue."
It was not much later that they came upon the writers of #Rohoof. Cokane called out, "Writers of #Rohoof, what news from CNN?" But they said nothing, merely surrounding them and threatening them with sharp pointy sticks.
Phili was not impressed. "What, you guys watch Fox News or something?"
"What business do a fox, another fox, and a wabbit have in #Rohoof?" Kitamere asked.
"I am Cokane, son of somebody, my mother it is believed, this is Magolas of the immoral canines, and this is Phili son of Groin," Cokane said by way of introduction. "We are friends of #Rohoof, and of Foxley, your Chairman."
"Chairman Foxley no longer recognizes good plots from bad. He even accused me of writing SRU. But I'm notta traitor!" Kitamere replied. "Kristy has claimed Ops over these domains."
"We are tracking the writing Uruk-hai. They have taken some unimportant friends of ours."
"Uh we already killed them, sorry."
"But the #tsa_listies. Did you see them?" Phili exclaimed.
"They would have the mental capacity of only small children to you," said Cokane.
"Sorry we already flamed the bodies. It was the only way to be sure. Couldn't nuke them from orbit." Presenting them with a pair of horses, Kitamere and companyR departed.
When they arrived at the smoldering pile of barbecue, er Uruk-hai, Cokane made use of his l337 traxoring skillz to quickly determine that the listies had not met a grizzly fate. Except for Kodiak, but that happened before. Cokane believed that they were in the much feared and not much understood #treeporn forest.
In fact, Tigner and Kodiak had indeed fled into #treeporn forest. And there, they had met a most gnarly person. "Dude, you're a tree!" Tigner exclaimed.
"I am not a tree! I'm a Grell."
"An Admin of the forest?" Kodiak asked.
"Yes, I have root level access," GrellOak acknowledged. "But I have never heard of a listie before. Sounds like #transformationer mischief to me! They come with their terrible plots, spamming, posting, hacking, flaming. Curse them. Curse them like MK!"
"We're not #transformationers! We're #tsa_listies, #tfers, fools, people of no intelligence!" Kodiak protested. "Why do you think we're on this quest?"
GrellOak rumbled thoughtfully. "I shall take you to the TG wizard. She will know what to do."
Meanwhile, MattRat had finally led Kitsune and JL out of the industrial section of New Zealand. "What the hell is this place?" JL asked. "It's filled with angst and ranting!"
"It is livejournal.com," replied MattRat. "Also known as. the blog. Come bastards, we will takes you through the drivel. I found it, I did, the way through the blog. #transformationers don't use it, #transformationers don't know it. Then again, they don't know anything."
And so they traveled through the murky New Zealand scenery. When darkness came upon them, JL fell asleep and Kitsune began to stroke the one tail. MattRat was singing to himself, "Beautiful, long and fluffy it is, my precious!"
"What did you say?" Kitsune asked, putting the tail away.
"Oh, er, uh, just remembering the last girl I was with. Yeah, that's it, yeah!"
Kitsune rose and crossed over to where MattRat crouched. "Who are you? What do you want?"
"Mustn't ask us, not his business. That is for the Vorlons and the Shadows."
"Jessie told me that you were of the writing folk. Not all that different from a listie once. He said your life was a sad story. Or a bad fanfic."
"Well, we did write The Perpetual."
"Isn't that right, MattTrike?" Kitsune asked, peering deep into the rat's eyes.
"What did you call me?"
"That was your nick once. A long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. Before MK corrupted you. Or the other way around."
Just then the Not-Good decided then to give them their wakeup call. "Black writers!" JL exclaimed in terror.
"No, it's African American writers," Kitsune corrected.
"Whatever, hide!" MattRat cried out. JL grabbed Kitsune and dragged him by his tails to the conveniently placed tree [the only one for miles oddly enough]. Having heard the joke about itself, The Perpetual Not-Good, riding upon the back of JetFire, swooped down across the blog. But he took so damn long, that JetFire got tired and decided to go home.
"They are calling for it," MattRat explained as it flew off. "1-900-Precious." [forty-nine cents for the first minute, ten dollars for each one after on a direct call to India. Minimum one hour call.]
"Hurry, listies. The black dataport is very close," MattRat urged.
Changing plotlines again, yet again, Cokane, Magolas, and Phili entered #treeporn forest. Curiously, Magolas seemed to know the way. "This forest is old. And perverted. It should be in a home. Like my grandma." the immoral canine said. "It is full of memory. Unlike my grandma."
Then Magolas looked around, the fur on his tail bushing out around the bows. "The TG wizard approaches," he whispered.
"Do not let her speak, for she tends to skirt the issues," Cokane advised. They turned to strike at the wizard, but they failed miserably. Phili couldn't even use one of his sharp, pointy sticks.
"You are traxoring the logs of two young listies. They passed this way. You'd have found them if your plot wasn't so lagged." This was something Cokane had noticed before [see previous story]. And then, the TG wizard stepped out of the light, and they beheld Jessie the TG.
"Forgive me," Magolas cried. "I mistook you for Kristy."
"I am Kristy. Or rather Kristy as she should be. Nice tail. Larger Dalek Bumps."
"I thought those were Etheric Beam detectors," said Cokane. "But aren't you kind of dead?"
"Well I got better. They said my mission was not done, so they slapped a pair of tits on me and sent me back."
"Who are they?" Phili asked.
Jessie leaned forward and gave a dismissive wave. "I'll explain later. One stage of your journey is over, and another begins."
"Damnit, not again!" Cokane complained. "There's one thing that hasn't changed about you, Jessie. You're still full of crap."
But Jessie the TG led them out of #treeporn and back onto the flat New Zealand scenery. There, Jessie gave out a call and suddenly right on cue, a horse appeared. "JeanHorse, drag queen of all horses." Mounting, [no, not that way] they then began to ride across that flat New Zealand scenery.
Back in #treeporn forest, GrellOak carried Tigner and Kodiak while babbling randomly, reciting Grell poetry - which is only slightly worse than Vogon poetry, but without the metre. "I told Jessie I would keep you safe," GrellOak assured them. "And in a safe I shall keep you. Now get in there." Once they had done so, he slammed the door, locked them in, and threw away the key.
"I have business in the forest," GrellOak said to himself. He then unzipped and did said business. That done he went to \invite the other Grells.
The next day [and page] saw the two canines and one rat arrive at the black dataports of #transformations. "That's it?" JL asked. "That's not that impressive. Phili has a larger arsenal."
"What about that army marching below?" Kit pointed out.
"Armies, fanboys, pah, what's the difference?"
"Master says to show them the way into #transformations, so good MattTrike did," the rat said, trembling and fondling his own tail.
"Yeah I did," Kit agreed. "Boy that was stupid."
"Look, they have a JoVix manning the dataport." JL pointed with quavering paw.
"Manning? Isn't that a contradiction?" Kit asked.
But JL ignored that. "There's more than one!" MattRat squeeked.
"Oh, well we're certainly not going that way then!"
"There's another way in. A secret way. A dark way. A way that'll add twenty more pages to the story. I like those ways." MattRat said. "Besides, it'll be better for the betrayal if we take that one."
JL and Kit looked at all the JoVixes, and then decided that it was a good idea to foolishly trust MattRat some more. After all, it's not like it was the first foolish thing they did in these stories [that was agreeing to appear in them].
Returning to the metal cube in the arboreal New Zealand scenery, GrellOak finally let Kodiak and Tigner out of the safe. He then picked both of them and continued to carry them around. "There are too few treemorphs on #tsa_list. I was trying to get a date. Couldn't find anything. There have been no Grellings for a very long time."
"Grelling, is that like yiffing?" Tigner asked, tail wagging.
"It's what happens after yiffing. Not that I got any of that either." Kodiak's head nodded sadly. GrellOak continued. "Out all night and not a Grellwoman to be seen."
"What do the Grellwomen look like?" Kodiak asked.
"Like us, only with large er,um. bush."
"Ever try Grellmatch.com?" Tigner suggested.
Back in #Rohoof, Cokane, Magolas, Phili, and Jessie the TG had finally made their way to #Equinas. "#Equinas, there dwells Foxley, whose mind is a limp noodle. And whose lunch was thrown up. Kristy's hold over Foxley is very strong."
"She's got him by the short and curlies," pronounced Phili.
They rode up to the entrance, where they were met by several guards. "You must give up your weapons, by order of JT Skunktongue. Especially you," he looked to Phili. Phili then begrudgingly created a nine foot pile of sharp sticks, machine guns, and tactical nukes. "And your staff, Jessie."
Jessie lifted up her robes. "What staff? I already gave that up."
The officer nodded sadly. They were then ushered in.
"This place is a dump, SR," Jessie lamented.
JT, reclining against the Chairman, whispered, "Jessie the Androgynous approaches. He/She/Sie is not welcome here, there, anywhere."
"Why should I clean up for you, Jessie, you ungrateful bitch," Foxley mumbled.
"A stupid question my liege," JT agreed. Turning towards the others, JT rose and began to pontificate, putting on his pointy hat. "3:04 GMT is the hour at which this flamer appears. N00b I name thee."
"Just shut the fuck up, JT. I've beaten egg whites more threatening than you. Now out of my way." And with that, Jessie dropped her cloak.
"Her staff. What happened to her staff?" JT asked in alarm.
While Cokane, Magolas, and Phili began beating people up randomly, Jessie approached the Chairman, calling out, "Foxley, son of somebody, but definitely not your mother, too long have you lurked on the list. I release you from your bondage." And she tossed Foxley the key to the handcuffs.
Foxley undid the handcuffs, dropping them and twenty years with them. "Jessie. You have tits. When did that happen?"
"Your paws would remember their old strength better, if they grasped your deck of cards." Jessie offered.
Foxley took his deck, and then stared at the quivering form of JT Skunktongue. "I only ever served you. fish. my Chairman. I salute you!"
"Your stories would have had me crawling on all fours. Wait, on second thought leave those, or I shall play Mao with you." Foxley declared.
"No, that is too great a suffering for one such as him," Cokane admonished. They all agreed, and Foxley \kickbanned JT from #Rohoof. "All Hail Chairman Foxley!" And the peasants rejoiced, "Yay." [Don't we all?]
Later, in the chatrooms of #equinas, Cheshowyn addressed the chairman. "The hacks are moving through #Rohoof, reading to all. They've already converted ten percent of our people to Scientology. This madness must stop."
"This is but a taste of the terror Kristy will unleash," Jessie the Canadian White Kangaroo said. "Soon she will have people voting for Nader. Or worse, appearing on American Idol. You must fight."
"Kitamere's notta traitor," Cokane added. "If you \invite them, they will come."
"They're so lagged they're back on Undernet by now!" Foxley declared. "No, Kitamere cannot help us. Not that he ever did before."
"Then what is the Chairman's decision?" Jessie asked.
"We're headed for #deep_shit," Foxley pronounced.
Later in the stables, "Deep shit," muttered Jessie as she scraped off her boots. Turning to JeanHorse she said, "You are a naughty horse."
"#deep_shit has saved them in the past," Cokane pointed out.
"There is no way out of that latrine," Jessie replied. "I am now going to leave you at your hour of need, and get the fuck out. oh, er, um, and go get Kitamere, yeah that's it. Look for my coming, er, when you see me."
"I see you now," Cokane pointed out.
"Then close your eyes and count to twenty!" Jessie ordered. And while Cokane did that, Jessie mounted the drag queen of horses and rode off.
Cokane found Cheshowyn in the armoury later that day preparing for the journey to #deep_shit. After nearly cleaving Cokane in two, Cheshowyn said, "The mares of #Rohoof learned long ago that those without a sword can still get shafted."
"Oh yes, that's where I've seen you before! You were the star of Shield Maidens Gone Wild."
Cheshowyn nodded. "Parts 2, 4, and 8." And after getting her to autograph his "sword", Cokane walked off stiffly.
Arriving at the phallic symbol of #tsa_tech, JT briefly briefed Kristy in briefs. "They will not stay at #equinas. Foxley knows it's too safe. They will make for the latrine of #deep_shit. It is a scenic route to take through the beautiful New Zealand scenery."
Kristy smirked with smug serendipitous satisfaction. "Send out the Cairn Terrier Riders."
Meanwhile, MattRat was floundering in the stream and JL called out, "Hey gibrat! Don't go plotting too far ahead!"
"Why do you do that?" Kitsune asked. "Run him down all the time. You can't even drive."
"Because he writes MK," JL replied. "What more reason do I need?"
"You act as if that's a bad thing."
"The tail has begun to corrupt your mind!" JL exclaimed.
"I'd rather have you do it, if you don't mind." Kitsune offered.
And while JL was taking him up on the offer, MattRat skulked off and snarled, "Stupid little canines! We wants it! We needs it! In a white wine sauce! Must have tail! They stolez it from us!"
"No," MattTrike objected. "Not Master!"
"They will cheat you, read NMF to you. Praise TBP to you." MattRat said.
"Not Master! He likes Metamor Keep! Master's my fan!"
"You don't have any fans! After all, how many replies did your last story get?" MattRat sneered. "Nobody reads you."
MattTrike covered his, um, what do trikes use to hear with? "Not reading! Not reading!"
"You're a hack."
"Plagiarist!" MattTrike cringed at that, but MattRat wasn't finished. "You steal from Tim Powers."
"Log off!" MattTrike whimpered. "I hate you!"
"Where would you be without me?" MattRat asked. "We subscribed because of me! Because of me! Because of me we ownz MK!"
"Not anymore," MattTrike whispered.
"What did you type? Resend."
"Master betareads our stories now. We don't need you. Log off, and never come online again."
MattRat snarled and squeeked! And left.
MattTrike looked around in surprise. "We told him to log off and he went! MattTrike is free!"
The next morning, Kitsune and JL woke up to discover that MattTrike was a little horny. In fact, Kitsune woke up with breakfast in his lap. "They're hot dogs. Really," MattTrike said with glee.
"There's only one way to have hot dogs," JL said. He then got out the condiments.
"What are you doing! You're ruining it!" MattTrike wailed. "You're putting mustard on them!"
"What's to ruin, there's hardly any meat in them," JL pointed out, and continued applying the mustard. "What's we need is a good bucket of poutine."
"What's poutine precious?" MattTrike asked in alarm. Kitsune however, not caring about the consistency of poutine, decided to walk off again by himself so they could get captured to make sure they didn't accidentally get to #transformations too quickly.
Kitsune found a startling sight before him though. When JL and MattTrike joined him, he pointed at the large, thick-headed, lumbering beasts. "What are they?"
"Wicked men." Replied MattTrike. "Servants of Genie. Neo-Cons."
"And look, they're riding elephants too!" JL noted. "I guess Genie really is gathering all evil to her."
As with all large-scale political gatherings, a flame war soon erupted. After almost being crushed by a falling body, they decided it would be a good idea to leave. Fleeing, they foolishly ran right smack into Equestrian Horsewrangler and some of his lackeys.
"We're bound to an errand of secrecy," Kitsune said.
"That would explain the handcuffs," Equestrian replied. "Take them. No not that way!"
[Insert Disc 2]
"Rabbit women are so alike in appearance to rabbit men, that it has given rise to the belief that there are no rabbit women. That rabbits just spring out of holes in the ground," Phili expounded to Cheshowyn's amusement.
"But you do spring out of holes in the ground," Cokane pointed out.
"Oh, right," Phili realized. Cheshowyn laughed loudly then.
"It has been a long time since I have seen her smile so, of course I've been out of it for a long time," Foxley told Cokane. "Her mother died at a young age. Her father succumbed to syphilis. Her bird was eaten by the cat. Her cat choked on the bird. She's had a hard life."
But Cokane was not thinking of Cheshowyn. His thoughts dwelled upon Raven. His eyes opened, and he beheld her before him. "This is a dream," he whispered.
"Then it is a wet dream," Raven replied as she came down atop him. The theme to Shaft began to play in the background.
"You told me once this day would come."
"Yes, you must go with Kitsune."
"I did that last story," Cokane moaned.
"Well, I meant for you to stay with him! Get back there!"
Cokane woke then most unpleasantly, seeing several riders go out ahead. And to his shock, they were set upon by a vicious, rabid, snarling, generally unpleasant Cairn Terrier.
"All writers to the slaughter!" Foxley shouted. "Cheshowyn, you must lead the people to #deep_shit."
"I can fight!" Cheshowyn objected.
"No! You must survive to fulfill your contract for Shield Maidens Gone Wild 9. Now go!" And so reluctantly, Cheshowyn lead almost all the unimportant people to their untimely demise. oh wait, that's later.
Magolas was busying bowing the Cairn Terriers. "They're so cutesy!" He was soon joined by the writers of #Rohoof, who began tossing balls to distract them.
Phili stabbed one of the Cairn Terriers with a sharp pointy stick. But it fell atop him and pinned the rabbit to the ground. Many other dead Cairn Terriers thought this was a good idea and fell atop him as well. "Damn! Can't reach my guns!" Phili whimpered.
Cokane was demonstrating how not to run down a Cairn Terrier, and managed to run right off the edge of the plot. "Bad doggiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
"Whoops," Magolas said, "Guess we wont' be seeing him for a while."
And so they continued on their way. "We will be in #deep_shit by nightfall," said Foxley. They arrived while Cheshowyn was surveying their supplies of twinkies and Big K grape soda. "So few?" she asked.
"The Cairn Terriers killed many," Foxley replied.
"No I meant the twinkies," Cheshowyn glanced amongst the writers who had returned. "Where is Cokane, for I very much want to play up our love triangle."
Like any good politician, Foxley dodged the issue. "We are safe. After all, we are in #deep_shit."
"But Cokane?" she persisted.
Phili shook his head sadly. "He tried cordless bungee jumping. Cordless is all the rage now after all. It was not. successful."
Back at #tsa_tech, JT said, "#deep_shit has but one weakness. Its firewall is solid porcelain, but for a small drain in its base. Stupid water conservation regulations. How are we to haxor such a defense?"
"We shall use this smart bomb," Kristy said. "Guarenteed to completely blow the shit out of them."
"Why is it called a smart bomb?" JT asked.
"Because somebody is smart enough to actually use something like this in one of these stories. And of course we will use it because good is dumb."
She then turned to her conveniently placed army. "March to #deep_shit! Leave none who can read! To flame war!"
[Insert huge CGI of writing Uruk-hai marching across beautiful New Zealand scenery]
Back in #treeporn, Kodiak noticed an unpleasant smell in the air. "Tigner, you need a shower!"
They also noticed smoke rising from #tsa_tech. "Man I wish I had some of that," Tigner said.
GrellOak looked to the smoke and said, "There's always smoke rising from #tsa_tech. Kristy got her hands on some good weed. There was a time when LoveBear would go and do what bears do in my woods. But Kristy has no desire to do such things, only in changing genders."
"So why don't you get Kristy's help to find some Grellwomen?" Kodiak suggested.
GrellOak shrugged off the suggestion, and Kodiak too, when Tigner saw something else. "Look, it's an army of hacks!"
"There are a lot of those at #tsa_tech too," Grelloak opined sagely. Well, oakly actually.
Somewhere out of the plot, [this story has a plot?] Cokane was lost in a dream of Raven. Awaking from this wet dream, he could swear he still felt her face touching his, and said, "Raven, you breath stinks this morning." Then he opened his eyes, and saw that it was a horse nudging him. Pleased with the improvement, he mounted the horse, got up onto it, and rode off back to the plot and to #deep_shit.
Raven was also dreaming. Mut saw her and said, "Mrs. Anderson, you have been dreaming about Mr. Anderson again I see. It's the smell. I feel saturated by it. I have to get out, we must leave this channel, and go to #Zion."
"You've been into the blue pills, haven't you Dad?" Raven asked. "It doesn't matter, I have made my choice."
"The red pill? There is no hope, this is a Frinkenstein after all."
"There is always a new hope," Raven replied. "Because everything that has a beginning has an end."
"Mrs. Anderson do you really think the authors are going to live long enough for there to be a sequel? Best get out while you still have a chance."
This convinced Raven, and she decided to go to #Zion after all.
In #gender, Equestrian was studying a routing table. "#tsa_tech attacks #Rohoof. Foxley's people are in #deep_shit. Genie is \inviting an army. Some thousands \join #transformations every day. If the channel #Oh-dammit is attacked, it won't be able to maintain ops. #gender is weak. Just like the rest of this story."
Kitsune and JL found themselves tied up and surrounded by men. JL was most pleased by this development. "My men tell me you are #transformation fanboys."
"Do we look like complete idiots to you?" Kitsune asked. "Oh wait, don't answer that."
"Who are you?"
"I am Kitsune Baggins of #tsa_list, and this is JL Gamgee."
"Your bodyguard?" Equestrian ventured. After his journey he came back.
"In a manner of speaking," JL replied.
"And where is your horny friend? The scaly creature. He had an excessively long story."
"Ditched him. We set out from #mk_guild with seven other losers. We ditched them too. They were dicks." Equestrian wanted to know where they were, so Kitsune continued, "One was flamed in the TSA Archives. Two others were of my kind."
"Well, one of them might have been. We don't really know. There was a rabbit, Phili so of Groin, the bowfox Magolas, and then Cokane, son of somebody, possibly his aunt, and Greyflank of #gender."
Equestrian was curious. "Were you friends of Greyflank?"
"No, he was an asshole."
"Would it grieve you then to know that he is dead?"
"Only because he owes me money," Kitsune admitted. "How do you know he is dead?"
"His hoof washed up on shore, it was cloven," Equestrian said. "Like garlic. But come with me, I wish to show you something." They had to pry JL off Kitsune's tails, but they managed.
"Look down there." Equestrian said. Kitsune stared down and saw MattTrike getting himself into hot water. "To enter my hot tub is certain death. Shall I order him \kickbanned?"
"God yes!" JL called from where he was held back.
MattTrike, unaware of what transpired above, was busy beating his hot dog against a rock. "The scales and tail, are nice and hot, so juicy sweet! Our only wish, to stroke this dish, so juicy sweet!"
"Wait!" Kitsune said. "Though this creature cannot sing, it is bound to me. And I to him."
"Kinky. I thought that was the wuff."
"Oh, him too."
And so Kitsune went down to MattTrike and called, "MattRike! Your master is here. Come with master. You have fans inside!"
"Both of them?" MattTrike asked.
"Yes, both of them! Come on now. Trust Master. Fall into the trap. Come on." Kitsune coaxed, and soon MattTrike followed after him. Quickly, Equestrian and his horses bound and gagged MattTrike, for they had read The Perpetual, and wished to prevent a sequel [Ah if only they'd prevent the sequel to this].
After their brutal interrogation of MattTrike at Guantanamo, Equestrian returned and confronted Kitsune. "So this is the answer to pointless yammering of the 47 pages so far in this Frink. Two listies, a deranged rat/triceratops, a flock of horses, and the tail of power within my grasp." For Equestrian, unlike pretty much everyone else, could tell that the long and stripey tail just didn't blend with the four red ones on Kitsune's ass.
[Insert excessively drawn out images of the one tail.]
"No!" Kitsune shouted before cowering in a corner and stroking the tail.
"Don't you understand? Oh wait, silly question. Because I'm stupid, I'll tell you what we're doing. We're going in #transformations to Derksen Industries to destroy the tail. And there will be much rejoicing, because that means the damn story will be over."
Equestrian shook his head. "No, this story must go on longer than that. The one tail shall go to #gender where it will corrupt my people and inflame my father. But first, to draw things out even more, we'll go to #Oh-dammit for no apparent reason."
"Oh dammit!" JL replied.
And it was at that time upon the flat New Zealand scenery that Cokane finally got his act together and came upon Kristy's army of hacks heading for #deep_shit. He was shocked. He had never seen so many hacks outside of an AOL chat room.
When he arrived in #deep_shit, he immediately sought out the chairman. "All of #tsa_tech is empty-headed. And most of it is heading this way. It is an army logged on for one purpose. To write enough fanfics to overwhelm even a Star Trek convention."
Chairman Foxley was horrified, for he had actually been to Star Trek conventions. He grimaced and laid his ears back. "Then let them write! I want every poor sap and general doofus ready to be slaughtered by nightfall. No army has ever breached the porcelain wall or ever set foot in the Tankberg."
"This is no regular army. They don't drink Metamucil." Phili cautioned. "Their armour is thick, their shields are broad, and their heads are empty. These are writing Uruk-hai!"
"Then tonight," Foxley declared, in a moment full of dramatic poise and foreboding, "#deep_shit shall live up to its name!"
Finally getting back to Tigner and Kodiak [remember them?]. "The Grells have not troubled about the writing of furries and TGers for quite some time. Just look at what's been posted lately, can you blame us? But now something is about to happen that has not happened for a geological age!"
"A good story is going to be posted?" Tigner asked.
"No, don't be ridiculous!" GrellOak replied. "A GrellChat." And so GrellOak \joined #Grellchat. In the nick list there were, GrellBeach, GrellOak, GrellChestnut, GrellPine, GrellElm, GrellBonsai, GrellWillow, GrellMadMartigan, GrellMaple, GrellCherry, GrellApple, GrellPear, GrellPeach, GrellBanana, GrellStrawberry, GrellPalm, GrellChristmas, GrellFern, and Grell W. Bush. "Now we must decide if the Grells will go to flamewar!"
Back in #deep_shit, Cokane, Magolas, and Phili son of Groin were preparing their own armaments, when a strange tune filled the air. "That is no #transformationer tune!" Magolas cried. They raced up to the edge of the porcelain wall, and there beheld a great sight. Magolas smiled and leaned over, naming each of the immoral cervines as they passed by, "Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Mushroom. Mushroom. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Badger. Oh it's a Snake!"
The leader of the immoral cervines approached Chairman Foxley. "There was once an alliance between whatever we are and whatever you are. Long ago we fought and wrote together, mostly fought. But now we come to honour that alliance and get slaughtered. We are proud to fight alongside whatever you are once more, despite the fact that we never liked you."
"Good, you can be canon fodder." Foxley declared. And just in time too, because the army of hacks started to march into #deep_shit.
"I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter u," Magolas said.
"Uruk-hai!" Phili replied. "I spy with my rabbit eye something that begins with the letter m."
"More Uruk-hai! I spy with my foxie eye something that begins with the letter e."
Phili thought for a moment and then replied, "Even more Uruk-hai. Alas, ten thousand monkeys with ten thousand typewriters stand before our walls. They will assault us with Shakespeare. We cannot withstand the quality!"
The writing Uruk-hai began to stamp their typewriters in fact. But one of those defending #deep_shit could not hold his shaft in, accidentally shooting one of the hacks. "It's premature!" Cokane ejaculated in alarm.
And so they began typing, assailing #Rohoofers with stories such as "Eye of Argon", SRU, scripts for Ellen DeGeneres's new sitcom, and Xanth novels. The #Rohoofers countered with intro stories and previous versions of Frinkenstein [they were fighting dirty].
"Come face the wrath of Transmutation Now!" Phili cried out, daring the writing Uruk-hai to assault. Which they did. Oops.
The battle was bloody and stuff [we're so good at description, aren't we?]. As the Uruk-hai climbed over the stained porcelain walls, Phili turned to Magolas and cried out, "I got two already!"
"I've bowed seventeen!" Magolas announced. He tied a bow around another Uruk-hai's neck then, and it whaled in agony at the cuteness. "Eighteen!"
"That's it! I'm breaking out the uzis!"
Deciding to tempt fate, Chairman Foxley asked, "Is this all you've got Kristy? I thought you had balls."
And so it was at that time that Kristy sent in the smart bomb. It blowed up real good. And took a good portion of the porcelain wall with it.
"Someone set us up the bomb!" screamed Foxley.
The Uruk-hai then flowed into #deep_shit.
Back in #treeporn, GrellOak turned once more from #Grellchat and \msged to Tigner and Kodiak. "After much talk, we have decided that we simply don't care. Except for Grell W. Bush who claims that the CIA have told him that Kristy has Weapons of Mass Tree Destruction. And since he controls ninety percent of our funding, we've decided to go die in his war."
"Who are the CIA?" Tigner asked.
"Oh, they're the Completely Irresponsible Authors." And so they got underway.
Coming south out of #treeporn forest, they beheld the sight of what #tsa_tech had become. A land of desolation, the earth scorched creamy white, with a caramel center, and in the middle was the phallic symbol where Kristy resided.
"My god," Tigner exclaimed. "She really did have weapons of mass tree destruction. G.W. Bush was right!" [How the fuck did that happen? - MattRat]
GrellOak then spoke, "There is no curse in cervish, Grellish, or l337 for this kind of treachery. But English comes close with, 'Dammit Kristy, you are a fucking twat!'"
And then the Grell began to march towards #tsa_tech. Kodiak was so elated he shouted, "Yes! Run Forest! Run!"
With GrellOak in the lead, the Grell hurried down the hillside, apart from Grell W. Bush who suddenly went AWOL from the war. They began to hurl huge writer's blocks at the tower, destroying all that Kristy had wrought.
Kristy, from her tower, ordered JT, "Unleash my army of deadly death-woodchucks. Of doom."
JT was stunned. "But sir, er ma'am, they're no good against trees!"
"Blast it!" Kristy stamped her big bunni feet and rocked her ears. "Then unleash my army of deadly death-woodpeckers. Of even greater doom!"
"But we don't have any peckers, remember?"
And so it was that #tsa_tech fell to the Grell. All for a lack of peckers.
"Fall back to the Tankberg!" Foxley cried out as the swarms of writing Uruk-hai filled #deep_shit. Cokane passed the message along, and soon they were all fleeing for their lives, er, making a strategic withdrawal. It seemed to be a good idea since the Uruk-hai were breaking out the heavy weapons. Phili was beginning to get jealous.
Speaking of jealousy, Equestrian was still eyeing the one tail even as he brought Kitsune, JL, and MattTrike with him. "Oh dammit! #oh-dammit it burns! And the city is under attack!"
"The tail will not fluff #gender," Kitsune warned. "It only has the power to destroy. Look what it's done to this story."
"Hell, no. This is my first Frinkenstein," Equestrian pointed out. "I want it to last. Hurry!"
They raced down to #oh-dammit. One of the horses approached Equestrian and said, "The #transformationers have taken the lagged side. We cannot wait for them to ping out."
Kitsune, a wild look in his eyes, turned to JL. "JL, help me! I'm about to do something incredibly stupid!"
"You're going to appear in the sequel?"
"Not quite that stupid, but close."
Equestrian gestured to the two listies. "Take these two to my Father. Tell that idiot I send him a fluffy present that will get us all killed that much quicker."
Sensing a dramatic moment, JL shouted, "Do you want to know what happened to Greyflank? He tried to take the tail from Kitsune, and so I kicked his ass. The tail drove your brother insane, even more insane, and yet even more insane!"
Meanwhile, Kitsune was beginning to look at people funny. "This is the part where I do something really stupid," he muttered. "I think it'll involve SRU."
"Say it ain't so, Kitsune!"
And then one of the horses neighed, "Black writer!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, it's African American writer. Do you want to be sued by the NAACP?" Kitsune asked.
While every one was thus conveniently distracted, Kitsune climbed up into plane sight, where the Not-Goods would easily find him. He began waving the one tail around and shouted, "Down here! You want it, come get it! I'm sick of this stupid thing!"
But JL, wisely [for once] grabbed Kitsune and yanked him back down into hiding. Kitsune drew his sword on the wuffie, and the wuffie murred. He then pulled out Ping and the wuffie eeped. Such conflicting messages.
"It's me!" JL protested. "Your wuff. Don't you know your wuff?"
Kitsune then put away Ping, to the wuffie's relief, and his sword, much to the wuffie's dismay. "I can't write any more of this shit, JL."
"You have no choice," JL replied. "We still have one more of these things to go." He then gave Kitsune a nice sloppy canine kiss, lotsa tongue.
"Okay, if you two are going to do that, then get the hell out of here," Equestrian said. And so they did. They took MattTrike with them too. After all, he still needed to screw them over in the next story.
Things were not going so well in #deep_shit however. It turns out the Uruk-hai had brought a plunger, and were flushing them out. "It's over," Foxley despaired.
"You said #deep_shit would never fall while your men defended it!" Cokane cried out.
"I never said that!" Foxley objected. "Where did I say that? Scroll up and look!"
In the guardtower, Phili lamented, "Out of pointy sticks. Out of uzi ammo. Out of handgun ammo. That's never happened to me before. Out of knives. And out of grenades. All I've got left is this." He hefted his thirty megaton tactical nuke then. "I wonder if this will work?"
Magolas joined him then, "How did you make out? I've got 695.2!"
Phili grimaced, "How did you get .2?"
"He's mostly dead."
"Damnit! I've only a hundred, I cannot let this stand!" And so he threw the nuke amidst the Uruk-hai. And they went boom. Big bada-boom.
And in that bright light, there appeared Jessie the TG. Oh Kitamere was there too. And all the people shouted, "She saved us! Jessie the TG has saved us!"
And Magolas turned to Phili then. "That only counts as one!"
Phili scowled, but was secretly satisfied, for he had finally been able to use that weapon that he'd brandished in the previous five Frinkensteins [or so].
In the forests beyond #oh-dammit, MattTrike murmured to himself. "Master looks after us. Reads our stories."
"Master broke his promise!" MattRat snarled. "Master betrayed us! Wicked! Trixy! Secret SRU fan! Kill him! Kill him! Or at least maim him and soak his tails in a white wine sauce. And then take the precious!"
"But the dumb wuffie, he guards the tails!" MattTrike pointed out. "He guards them jealously! He's always logging the Kitsune rump!"
"We could let him do it," MattRat suggested.
"Whose he?" MattTrike asked.
"He!" MattRat said with feral glee.
"Oh yes, he could do it!" MattTrike agreed. "Do what?"
"Just shut up and let me be in charge again," MattRat ordered it. "Once he's done with them we can takes the tail again."
"Yes, yes, I like tail!" MattTrike agreed. He then turned back around and said to JL and Kitsune who'd been standing there the whole time. "Come on, listies! I know the way! It will only take us another year to get there."
And there was much rejoicing.
THE END [And there was even more rejoicing]
The List of Those Who Shall Be Blamed
MattRat/Trike - typist and schizophrenic
Deranger Kitsune - Whose laptop is a festering cesspool of evil for housing
JLehrer - Stalker of Kitsune's tails, like corn
JRR Tolkien, who is once more undergoing his annual subterrain rotational
Sue. Blame Sue, she made the costumes.
Crystal, who actually appeared in this.
Dr. Who: The Curse of Fatal Death - We'll explain later.
Piers Anthony - For the idea of including Piers Anthony
G.W. Bush - Who can only get it right in Frinkenstein
Those newly tortured:
Cheshowyn - Eowyn
Kitamere - Eomer
Chairman Foxley - King Theoden
JT Skunktongue - Grima Wormtongue
Jessie the TG - Gandalf the White
JeanHorse - ShadowFax
Equestrian Horsewrangler - Faramir
Grell - Any and all non Bush Ents
MattRat/MattTrike - Gollum/Smeagol
Last Updated: Mon Jul 25 2005 08:06:15