I've been feeling it, and I've been feeling it bad. I could hardly smile at all today, the whole day it was just... I can almost handle it when I just feel like my body is wrong or strange, but occasionally there are times when I know what body I want to be in, how I want to move, look, react, feel... and that's so much worse because I know I can't have it. Sometimes I just feel so much like... being something else, it's hurting inside like I'm trapped in here and I need to come out.
I wish I could talk to someone right now... I just need like, sympathy, or something. Someone to tell all these feelings that are in me, and have them understand perhaps just a little what a terrible conundrum it is. But though I love my friends dearly, it's just... maybe it's me but... the one is too square and cheerful, the next likes roleplaying without any actual substance to it, the next gets all bubbleheaded and thinks he knows everything, the next is too grumpy, too short a fuse, the next one is even more pessimistic than me and has a horrible life, the next I've already talked with and don't want to bother him again, the next is insane and arrogant and OCDish, and... well that's pretty much the end of my friends list.
I wish I had more female friends sometimes. In a way though that's a Catch-22, because I have a harder time finding female friends, so they tend to be more remarkable people. Surprisingly I usually get along better with guys, something of a tomboyish personality, but the real reason is I'm anti-marriage, anti-hierarchy, and childfree. Most women won't associate with people like that, those whom offend her delicate sensibilities.
So pretty much I'm just a little too upset to talk with my friends right now about this... I'm sure they're perfectly easy to talk to but it just feels like I'd just waste their time. I really don't want to talk... I want to change. I need what's outside coming into me, my perceptions, to harmonize with what is inside coming out, how I feel. I really, really, really need to be a coosel right now.
Oooooh, confluence! Just now as I finished this pic (I am so fucked up) not just one but three raccoons came into our front yard! They were rooting around most likely looking for something to eat, and I got to go out and sit there and watch them and one growled at me but the others just periscoped curiously and continued their business and it was soooo cool and I got a picture eventhough I felt bad about using the flash bulb and my camera is horrible, but look!
I feel much... much better now. I haven't seen (live) raccoons ever before in this town, for the last 6 years I've been forced to live here. And tonight those beautiful stripe tailed devils would show up... it's almost enough to make me wonder if things might change for the better. Almost. Just a little more, my author, you're almost there...
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