Why I Hate My Life

• First, there is a 100% chance that I am going to die. Finito. End-o-rama! Utter destruction of the self. There's no measurable miracles in my life. There's no reversible processes. There's not even a hint of magic I have been able to find. Nothing but dry banality as far as the eye can see. I don't have /nightmares/ anymore, not because my dreams changed, but because the waking world is more terrifying and senseless than any dream I have.
• Second, I probably should add hypochondria to my list of debilitating mental diseases. Dare I say abnormal brain? Between having Aspergers, and sourceless anxiety, and self sabatoge, and depression, and species dysphoria, and hyposomnia, and not to mention the fact that I have been too empty, disoriented and numb to produce any worthwhile creative works for the last 3 years :cries: Oh and I can't cry; I don't know why. I can work very hard, but I can't compete without feeling so ugly I wish I had never played. I cannot keep to a schedule; everything I do seems to somehow end up being done too late. Between all that, I can't even enjoy what little, pitiful, doomed life that I have.
• Third, I got a job yesterday. And I feel horrible! Every hour I work there, I can't stop thinking that this... thing, this job is something I am going to have to have for years before I can even start to reap the benefit--years! Years and after 2 days I'm already wishing there were a way out, trapped in an endless doomed quest to find magic, when there is no more magic anymore. (Maybe...)
• Fourth, I live in a nasty awful place where even the air is hard to breathe. My allergies are out of control. Cars fill the streets everywhere I go. Summers are long, dry, harsh and uncaring. I've grown to hate blue skies even more than my natural inclination. All I ask is a little rain... and what do I get, 3cm a year? I have to live here because there is only one person in the world who will take me in indefinitely. The above job that I have had for 2 whole days pays minimum wage, which by the way isn't enough to pay for room and board, so I can't move out somewhere with better weather. I couldn't bear to burden other people living in nice places with my decrepit sack of flesh, since I can't promise them that I am even mentally capable enough to keep a steady job.
• Fifth, I miss school. I miss school! I miss school so much... I was dropped out of it once Herr Bush's tax policies resulted in cutting all school's funding. I haven't been back since. Even if I did go back, my twisted knot of self loathing would prevent me from completing any assignments on time; my uncompetitive nature enables me to enter tests relaxed, calm, and completely unprepared. And I don't even know what I want to do! I want to find magic; and instead I have to choose something mundane, and practical. School exists it seems only to get you shut up into your job. But nevertheless, I miss it. I'm gnawing at my own leg like a rat in a cage; my life is so unstimulating and berefit of mental challenge I could scream. I just want to have regular lessons where I learn new aspects and ways to think, and then spend time talking with other competent, intelligent people about what we've learned. In a school by the ocean, as a... magic furry thing. Is that too much to ask?

  ;.;

Nothing ever seems to work out right for me. The reason for this is all processes lead toward a more chaotic state; Entropy always increases, and therefore without constant, concerted effort from either myself or some power source, the best laid plans o' mice and men gang aft agly. How to fix this? Just find a way to reverse a process; to spontaneously increase Entropy. In other words, summon up magical energies, and construct a perpetual energy producing machine.

-.-