Gods I hurt all over... especially inside... up! Down! Up! Down! My mood has been flopping over like wet sheets in the dryer. All this work it makes me so satisfied, then so sad and then so angry. And then I get scared, and finally just lapse into a sort of denial. And sometimes I'm thinking, "Wow this is great; I have a job that won't go away," and on the other hand I'm thinking, "Noooo, I have a job that won't go away, kill me now..." And I dunno, and now I've stayed up until midnight even though even my bones are sore. My life sucks so much, this isn't what I want to do... but my life is full of hope and this is exactly what I want to do, to get what I need. But I can never have what I need. What am I feeling? I can't stand the coffee place; why do I even bother to go there; I think I miss it already. They're so nice there, and I don't not enjoy the work, and it's the only place, and a good place for a wallflower like me to have reasons to socialize.
That paragraph didn't make any sense. I'm conflicted in my emotions--no, not conflicted. More than conflicted. Torn, ripped, shredded, laughing as I wail, fighting frantically to hurt myself before things can start going right. And I still can't cry; it's all bottled up inside me. People watching might see me slump a little, but they wouldn't know that I had suddenly become so depressed I could hardly move; and then a half hour later I'm calm and cheerful, and enjoying the unique environment. I'm such a wreck; I better get to sleep before my owner yells at me again for staying up too late and messing up my sleep schedule so that I do worse at work than my true potential.
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