Today at 2:20 I shutdown the computer to prepare for work at 3:30pm. First I flipped through a meta comic book, and then one of my cats sat on my lap for a while. I told myself "You have to go and get ready," and eased her off, but even as I stood I knew what was happening. I couldn't leave the dishes undone, since I could have done them earlier in the day and didn't want to lose face. In reality I was just looking for another way to waste time. I made myself a nice lunch, and went over my voter ballot again. All throughout this time I was telling myself, "C'mon, you're running out of time, you can't waste time doing this," but I did it anyway, and I don't know why.
In the end I resorted to wandering around the house aimlessly, finally coming out of it long enough to get my shoes on. Then I kind of blanked out, but after that I got my stuff, got my uniform ready, and headed out the door. Of course I forgot 3 things I had to go back inside to retrieve; no matter how many times I wrack my brain to make sure I haven't forgotten anything, I won't remember vital things until the minute I walk out the door.
I got to work 15 minutes late.
Now, 15 minutes is not a great deal of time in the grand scheme of things. It's not even a large portion of my life. But 15 minutes late is enough to get me fired if I can't stop doing it. I find an employer who does that a sort of inhuman monster--one who truly does not care about their fellow being beyond what they earn for their paycheck, but every single employer does that. And really they can't understand what I'm going through, how hard it is to meet deadlines, how many unfathomable delay tactics I use to sabatoge myself. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself; and employers assume I'm doing it out of self interest or laziness, or the classic assumption: immaturity. People think once you are socially indocrinated, once you have "grown up" that your time management skills will improve. And though those people are ignorant and fools, they are the vast majority, and very much in control of power where I live.
Not saying I can't get better time management skills, but said skills are a combination of temperament and training--nothing to do with growing up or maturity. It's saddening to think, even this minimum wage, not too difficult job at a very wonderfully local coffee shop with nice people working there, and nice customers, will be lost forever once they discover I am stopping myself from getting to work on time. I have no excuse, and think how rare that is: I wasn't doing anything to benefit myself. I wasn't playing. I wasn't singing at church. I wasn't socializing. I was just getting ready for work, and when I do that, or try to meet any deadline really, then this virus in my head kicks in and I turn almost hysterical trying to find ways not to be able to finish it on time.
My life sucks... :sighs:
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