I feel bad... not sick, not physically exhausted. Maybe a little sleepy. But jsut... bad. Bad in the head. I want to talk to someone so bad... horribly lonely feeling, but I can't stand to go jumping out and finding someone. I just wish they'd come... I have no strength to go to them, my mental state collapsing like a crumpling piec of paper.
I say I'm lonely, but I just... I just want to get help. I don't like talking to people just on account of nothing--people on IRC just irritate me, even though they're being perfectly banally humanely human, just chatting and making ape noises and being social. I don't want that... I can't take that it just... batters on me.
I wish I had someone to talk to though. I wish one of my friends was online, one of the people who don't expect and posture, strut and blather, people who really open up their soul to me, and whom I can in turn open up my soul to them. Nobody is online though, and people like this I know are few and far between. I'm so full of despair right now, I know if I had someone to talk to I could get out of this. But I don't, it's hopeless, and... I can't even trust myself right now. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to keep me honest, on the up and front, aware...
I hate my life... I have a great job and I want to destroy it. I'll be working along just fine and humming, and this black wave comes over me, this banal, dead feeling, the utter despair when my mind tries to force me to realize how everything I do is pointless, without end, completion or success until I die. And then I get better, but then it comes back... my emotions roll around so disconcertingly, and I don't know why I feel this way. I want to enjoy my job; I want to want to work, to want to succeed. But I can't make myself want these things.
I want to fail, to lose my opportunity for no good reason. I want to live a miserable life, never achieving anything, always stopped just short of the expression I crave. I want to hurt, and to cry out and echo in these empty halls of my soul, and have things not work out, have things fail miserably, and leave me with a little less life, a little slower mind, and fewer friends less than the ones I have betrayed.
Why do I want this? I'm a good person--I don't deserve to fail... but it just won't go away. My work called me today and asked why I hadn't come in, and the real reason was that I couldn't remember to look at my scheduler because I wanted to be late. I told them I had just got a little mixed up. Half hour late though... I'm so doomed there. Not that you care; it's not your life or your business after all. You just read this page in transit, possibly in horror, and move on without sending along a comment. You don't have the solution any more than I do, and I wish... I just wish someone did, I wish someone had magic, had purpose, had salvation. And at any rate I really wish I had someone to talk to. It hurts so bad...
Maybe sleep will help... it will I'm sure, though only like a band-aid. This raw, ragged, gaunt soul with eyes full of torment is the part of me that realizes nothing is ever going to get completely better, but that everything eventually gets worse, until you die. I try to be cheerful and optimistic--said doomsayer might be wrong after all--but it's so hard sometimes, without even a smidgen of feedback to shake the claims of an apathetic universe. I wish I could cry... tears would feel so good right now...
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