Today my owner said "You've been getting in the habit of being depressed lately." Getting the habit. As if I just "let" it happen, just kind of flopped back and cruised along until I was down in the doldrums. No. I have been dragged kicking and screaming down into this abhorred state of mind. I have fought with all of my heart to get out of this nightmare; I have looked for the answers I need, and found none. I have sought consolation and gotten none. I have been to therapists back when I still could afford health insurance. I constantly try to shake myself out of the gloom and seek help in any number of different places. I form online bonds even though I'd rather be alone, because I know I can't trust my own mind without someone else to keep me honest and not gloomy. I read self help books, psychology books. I try positive thinking, meditation, yoga, time management, brainstorming, ley lines, soul seeking, pragmatism, subjectivism. I pour out my emotions in writing, in drawings, in music. I seek solace in peaceful places. I try to exercise. I try to create, to somehow find the motivation to care about myself, about my work, my creation...
So great, at least she doesn't think I'm making myself depressed on purpose. If there was anything I could do, if there was anyone who could help me... if there was any magic out there wouldn't I have found it already? I don't feel fulfilled, and my emotions won't settle, rolling up and down every hour, and every cycle seeming to settle low for a little bit longer than before. My soul is so tired... if I could just... stop hurting and start caring again. But it hurts so much to care... this is why the Care Bears scare me, how am I supposed to do things that don't hurt myself? I feel... helpless. Cold alone and forgotten. No way out, no options left, no second chances. I can't live in this world; I just don't work right with stark reality. I'm going to die one day, and all the wonderful, beautiful thought-patterns that blossom in my head are going to be destroyed utterly. How can I care about myself, my mind, my inner beauty, without dying of grief and despair?
Comment
Index
Previous
(Nothing to Work For)
Next
(When Unscheduled I Can Do It)