Well it's the 13th actually, not the 9th. I've been nothing for the last :thinks: 4 days. Did a few errands, but didn't really exist very much. It's strange how you can partially exist, drifting in a sort of haze. I was 10 minutes late for work, that I remember. Because 90% of the time I am exactly that late. Beyond that... I went to the bank... did some programming... some bland sex scenes, and then I look at the clock and 4 days have passed. It was raining recently, I've been dancing in it and listening with wonder at the sound of the raindrops hitting the earth. There no sound more peaceful and calming I think, more reassuring that yes, there is some good in life. I only wish it had time to help; it will probably be gone by December, perhaps return for a week in February or so, and the rest of the year is dead, banal, squinting sunlight. But for now I'm safe; there are beautiful volumnuous clouds in the sky and green grass is growing everywhere.
I should take advantage of this great weather, to work on the prospects of getting out of here, and getting somewhere with better overall weather, and someone to support me. I should. But I'm waiting until the weather worsens so that I can cry out in agony as my best efforts meet with stubborn denial. I don't know why I want that, but it's really the same thing as all my other problems. If I did something good for myself now, I would start valuing my life, and then would fall back into that crushing grief as I remain unable to deny that my life, my imaginations, and everything I strive for, will be dead to me as I, if there is no life after death, will be utterly destroyed. How do you oppose that? How do you live and care, with that burden on your soul? It just hurts too much...
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