|The Hand you Deal Yourself By
by Jacob Blue Fox
© Jacob Blue Fox -- all rights reserved
Dr. Johnson's lectures were boring but the man had qualities beyond his pitiful speeches. Even though he was always a black bear, he's the gentlest teacher I have ever met. Sure he was a pushover but still a person you would want to have on your side. Dr. Jo as we called him mastered in English but he had friends in the science department. This is where the story of a backfiring plan begins. I began my conversation of the material we covered that day. I would have rather be reading Sports Illustrated instead of Macbeth. Dr. Johnson on the other hand wouldn't let me give up. Dr. Jo was kind in that way, unlike most of the other professors in McLeod he actually valued time outside of class for his students.
''I believe he's got it!'' He roared out to the empty class.
''Yeah. I figured out Macbeth, now if I can only think of a prank to get back at those guys down at the Pig.''
Twitching his nose, he asked, ''What do you mean?''
''Didn't you find it odd that I came in today with blue hair?''
''Nah, I just thought it was the latest trend.''
''Well, after studying for midterms I thought I would loosen up at the Blind Pig, I fell asleep in the bar. The next thing I know I wake up on my couch with blue hair.'' I brushed my right hand through my now navy mop, ''I tried to wash it out but the color wouldn't come out. I went to my doctor and she said my hair was so dry it sucked up a lot of the color. I'm going to be stuck like this for a while.''
A devilish little smile came over the bear's face and I knew his creative imagination was going into overtime. The sparkle that came over his eyes told me he had a plan.
''You know I'm a very, very, powerful polymorph right?''
''Doc, I don't know much about that kinda stuff I just know you're a SCAB.''
''What that means is that I can change into anything I want to. It also means I can change some people into other things, just by touching them!''
I got the gist of his point. A wicked smirk came over my face. The new special of the day for the Pig was revenge served on a cold plate. That night I made a list of whom was going to change into what. My morbid curiosity and my over all sick mind became a machine. For inspiration I watched ''The Count of Monte Cristo'' seven times. I knew it was going to be a Tuesday when my plot was going to explode, special considerations were made. I didn't know who caused my turquoise trauma but it was going to be a bit of blanket vengeance. The setting was perfect. It was a raining but it wasn't a thunderstorm so most of the crowd was going to be there. Hiding in the alley, I waited for Dr. Johnson. A taxi pulled up and the brown bear stepped out wearing a yellow raincoat, and red rain boots.
''No comments about Paddington Bear.''
Confused, I asked, ''Who?''
''Never mind, do you have the list?''
''Would I be standing in an alleyway for nothing?''
''I can't believe I'm going to do this to Raven.''
''Don't worry. Besides I have always wondered what she looked like before the world saw fit to screw up her life.''
''I'll change into something else as I'm changing them so they won't know I was the one who did it.''
''Are you sure this is temporary! They got used to being one kind of SCAB I'd hate to see what they would have to do to try and get over this!''
''You made the list.''
''Yeah, but I was pissed off! Do you know some of the things that are going to happen to these guys?''
The bear to a look over the list, immediately he began laughing.
''You are a cold, cold, cold, norm. You know that?''
My evil little smirk grew as I said, ''Get to work Mr. Bear.''
He walked in. Hiding the best I could I looked through the window. Working his way around the room he managed to touch the others without becoming noticed. Dr. Jo sat back down and started to work his magic. The first to change was Donnie. I knew he wouldn't have anything to do with my hair but I just wanted to hear him talk. His fur grew thick and his lifted up one of his hooves as he watched it start to take the shape of a wing. Dr. Coe was next. His body started to shrink down in size and his slightly elderly face start to become young and canine. The Paddington Bear began his change to a bookwormish woman. I had to stop watching because I couldn't hide my laughter any more. With my back to the wall my body became my mouth and my arms and legs became my laughter. Flailing about, my smile finally revealed some teeth. The revenge wish list I spent all of last night was coming true. My large glasses nearly fell off my face as I heard the commotion of the changelings.
''What's going on?'' squawked a parrot.
''Who let in the polymorph,'' said a voice, which was becoming feminine.
''I can't see over the pool table.'' Yelled a little girl.
''Oh God I've got tits!'' Hollered another altered voice.
I slapped myself in the face a couple of times to make my grand entrance. Laughing like a hyena would have ended my show. Straight faced, I walked in.
''Hi everybody . . .What the Hell happened?'' I said, acting surprised.
With flame red, yellow, and blue feathers stood Donnie the silent, now Donnie the parrot man. Towards the Lupine Boy's end of the room sat a couple of wolf pups, two lemurs (one of which wore a cape) and a very sexy bimbo who was crying in its drink. Raven was now a cute little girl standing nearly naked in a pile of her old clothes, the only protection from the world she had was her trenchcoat. Her black hair and her blue eyes were the models of innocence. Jack? Oh God I was mean to Jack, his breasts nearly busted open his shirt. Dr. Coe's hat covered over his eyes and he was grasping at his new coyote snout. Phil, since he was a little white rabbit, I had decided he should be the hunter and not the hunted. Little bunny foo foo was now the big bad wolf. It was Tuesday and I knew that the untouchable Lindy was going to be in attendance for my cold dish so I told the Dr. to change her into a species that could survive the poison arrow frog's venom. Even Splendor got caught up in the act. She was now a brown and white rabbit girl. Still she looked like a picture of male wet dreams. Jon Sleeper was looking more like Grace than her adult counterpart. My revenge was complete, now what was next.
Jack pointed to his new rack and yelled out, ''Whoever did this, Fix it!''
Another female's voice came over from the ex-lupine boy's section, affirming what Jack had just said. The center of the chaos was coming form the center of the room, so I tried to stay away from there. I sat next to a woman who I guessed was Pascal. I looked directly in the beak of Donnie.
''So what do you have to say for yourself?'' I asked straight-faced.
Donnie shook his winged arms around in the air and said nothing. He was too shocked to say a thing. Another new parrot squawked in his new beak. It wasn't Donnie's voice I heard, damn it. A lizard like figure walked out of the bathroom. I knew it was Lindy, he was no longer his old poison frog self and I walked up to him. He had just cleaned himself of all the poison from his body; my revenge wasn't in complete hate. This gift was the little bit of sweetness that usually comes out in me.
''Need a hug?'' I gently asked.
The fellow grabbed me with two arms and nearly crushed me. A smile filled his face. After my embrace Raven pulled at my slacks. I stooped down to her new lower level.
''You want to play pool now, Raven? I think this just evened out thee odds.''
''Very funny. Who did this to us?'' said the seven or eight year old girl.
''How would I know? I just walked in.''
It was at this time where Dr. Jo started to walk out. He almost escaped when the now very observant Doug Linger now ring-tailed Lemur noticed the woman walking out of the room.
Dr. Jo knew he was caught. Pascal and Jack had a good hold of him. I should have known better, I knew they wouldn't hurt anyone but still I knew Dr. Johnson wasn't the bad guy. To protect the doc, I put revenge to the side.
''Leave 'im alone. The person you want is me.''
With the center of attention pointed directly in between my eyes, I attracted a lot of dirty looks, I knew I had to reveal my sinister plan. I took off my hat a started to talk.
''I did this because I wanted to know who did this to me? Christ I didn't know who made my hair blue, so I got lazy and decided to take out my anger on all of you. So just tell me WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO ME?'' I yelled out.
I scanned the room looking for a guilty party, looking for my confession. It came out of nowhere and the criminal was someone who never would have come across my mind.
I was shocked, good old silent, dependable Donnie? This was the guy I thought was the perfect person in the world. A guy I sometimes wished I was. It didn't sink in until I saw Donnie nod his beaked head in agreement.
''Change 'im back doc.'' I asked the average looking woman.
Quickly the shift took hold of the crowd and I stood there dumbfounded. I returned to my seat and sat there in utter disbelief. With my jaw slacked, Donnie handed me a note...
Some guy ordered a Blue Malibu and I accidentally spilled it on you while you were sleeping. Brian and Buck took you back to your house and I thought everything was fine. I guess it's not ok?
I turned the paper around and jotted down...
It's ok. I just got mad and I didn't think. It was just an accident. My hair absorbed most of the drink so my hair is going to be like this for a while.
I handed the note to the reformed Minotaur and looked back to Dr. Johnson. He had changed back to his usual black bear self.
''Sorry to get you in trouble, guy.'' I said.
He placed a paw on my shoulder and said, ''That's fine. Just that I'll see you in class tomorrow.''
He walked away and I thought that was the end of that. Seconds later my body started to feel like it was stretching. I looked down to my hands and saw that black fur was starting to grow on them. Colors became faded, and sounds were becoming clearer. Running my tongue along the ridges of my teeth, I found that they were becoming knifelike, my canines were becoming more canine. The profile of my face pushed away from the back of my head. My ears pointed and growing larger by the second. The only painful thing about my change was the growing tail coming from my backside. The growing vertebrae and spinal cord felt like someone was taking a bite out of my ass. Inside of me my intestine began to shuffle around my various cavities, I nearly threw up twice. I looked in the mirror behind the bar and the image of me was unfamiliar. As the change was coming to a close my hat plopped over my eyes. Sweat from pass uses made the thing smell like year old unwashed towels. I turned the cap backwards and got a good look at my new body. Irony was the main force behind my list, so I shouldn't have been surprised to see a fox looking back at me from the looking glass. Someone should have kick me in the jimis but to my surprise a gentle hand took a hold of my shoulder.
''Dr. told me about what you were planing on doing tonight. So how does it feel?'' Asked the fully-grown Raven.
''Well, I can't see color but I'm finally seeing things in black and white. I can hear all the bad things people are saying about me, but they are being drowned out by the good things. The place smells like a barn, but that's ok, it reminds me of New Hampshire. There are no perks, or disabilities. It's a middle ground like humanity. Other than the fur, tail, paws, muzzle, eyes, ears, fangs, and claws it feels normal.'' I said somewhat poetically.
Just then an unfamiliar werewolf walked up to me. He was pissed, I think he was hanging around the Lupine Boys when he started to produce estrogen.
''You jerk! Don't even think about doing that again!'' He said with still a touch of femininity.
I would have told him to go hump someone's leg but my mind was defeated and it was a long day, ''Ok.''
The creature stormed out and the crowd started to back to their unusual routines. I on the other hand placed my snout on my crossed hands and rested on the counter. Not even noticing, Phil hoped onto the stool next to me and tried to gain my attention, then he hoped onto the bar itself.
''A wolf?'' Said the perplexed rabbit.
''Irony was running the show, not sanity'' I said not even bothering to change my expression.
I was so mentally drained that I would have sat on that stool all day if I could. Wiggling the nubs of my feet I found that my giant size 13 shoes were on the ground. Donnie put a hoof to my head and ruffled my blue hair, a father figure to the end. A flash filled the room and there was Copernicus with an instant camera.
''You might want to see what you look like after you get your color vision back.''
Imagining the image pulled me out of my rut. Blue hair fading into an orange/red tint, then suddenly cutting into white and black. I grabbed the Polaroid and thanked the lizard for his kind gesture in the face of my cruelty.
''I always wanted to back to my childhood.'' He replied.
''Its been a long day, could someone take me home?'' I asked.
''Sure.'' Raven responded.
Balancing on unfamiliar paws, I wrapped my arms around Raven's shoulder and we walked out, hoping to catch a cab. As we trotted towards the door I saw one of the waitresses scratching away at imaginary fleas as she accidentally let go a hee-haw. Jack sat down by the piano rubbing an itch near a still sensitive nipple. I looked down towards my backside, my tail was wagging.
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